How to Handle Parents Playing Favorites As an Adult
Debate carefully whether to address the favoritism., Avoid blaming your siblings for your parents’ behavior., Don’t compete., Work around your own favoritism., Go to family therapy., Discuss the possibility of bringing in a third party.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Debate carefully whether to address the favoritism.
Telling your family members about your feelings might just stir up negativity.
On the other hand, it could lead to a productive conversation and a positive resolution.
Take your individual family situation into account as you consider whether to speak up.If you think your parents aren’t intentionally making you or your siblings feel left out, a tactful conversation might be appropriate.
On the other hand, if your parents typically get defensive when approached with critical views and tend to hold grudges against people who expressed displeasure with them, bringing up this issue may further strain the relationship.
Consider whether you are prepared for that additional stress. -
Step 2: Avoid blaming your siblings for your parents’ behavior.
While it’s natural to resent the siblings your parents favor, try to put these feelings aside.
Remember that your siblings didn’t choose to be the favored ones.Even “golden children” are sometimes negatively affected by their parents’ expectations.
Your favored sibling may be suffering, too, just in a different way.
If your sibling is in agreement regarding your parent's behavior toward you, it may actually help to have them next to you as a voice of support. , Resist the urge to compare yourself to your siblings or try to win a bigger share of your parents’ affection.
This will only drive a wedge between you.
Instead, focus on the fact that you’re all adults leading separate lives, and try to be happy for their successes.If one sibling likes to talk about how your parents spend extra time or money on them, change the subject, or limit the amount of time you spend around them.
Remember that your parent's approval or lack thereof does not define your success.
Take time to define success for yourself and evaluate whether you are holding yourself to your own standards. , In some cases, your parents may show favoritism towards you while diminishing your siblings' accomplishments.
If you are the favored child and feel it’s not fair, consider gently asking your parents to include your siblings more often.
For instance, you could say something like, “Dad, I love it that you always come to visit during the summer, but Mary misses you too.
I was thinking that maybe we could all go to see her this year instead.” Try to support your sibling and reinforce their efforts to get your parents to balance their time and attention more equitably. , If you and your family members are having a hard time solving your problems, family therapy might be a helpful option.
Talking out your problems in a neutral environment may help you keep your discussion productive and civil, and a trained therapist may be able to help you get to the bottom of old hurts and move forward., Certain issues, like splitting up inheritance money or maintaining a vacation home, can breed resentment among siblings.
Talk to your parents about whether they would be willing to hire a neutral third party to take care of any touchy financial issues laid out in their will. -
Step 3: Don’t compete.
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Step 4: Work around your own favoritism.
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Step 5: Go to family therapy.
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Step 6: Discuss the possibility of bringing in a third party.
Detailed Guide
Telling your family members about your feelings might just stir up negativity.
On the other hand, it could lead to a productive conversation and a positive resolution.
Take your individual family situation into account as you consider whether to speak up.If you think your parents aren’t intentionally making you or your siblings feel left out, a tactful conversation might be appropriate.
On the other hand, if your parents typically get defensive when approached with critical views and tend to hold grudges against people who expressed displeasure with them, bringing up this issue may further strain the relationship.
Consider whether you are prepared for that additional stress.
While it’s natural to resent the siblings your parents favor, try to put these feelings aside.
Remember that your siblings didn’t choose to be the favored ones.Even “golden children” are sometimes negatively affected by their parents’ expectations.
Your favored sibling may be suffering, too, just in a different way.
If your sibling is in agreement regarding your parent's behavior toward you, it may actually help to have them next to you as a voice of support. , Resist the urge to compare yourself to your siblings or try to win a bigger share of your parents’ affection.
This will only drive a wedge between you.
Instead, focus on the fact that you’re all adults leading separate lives, and try to be happy for their successes.If one sibling likes to talk about how your parents spend extra time or money on them, change the subject, or limit the amount of time you spend around them.
Remember that your parent's approval or lack thereof does not define your success.
Take time to define success for yourself and evaluate whether you are holding yourself to your own standards. , In some cases, your parents may show favoritism towards you while diminishing your siblings' accomplishments.
If you are the favored child and feel it’s not fair, consider gently asking your parents to include your siblings more often.
For instance, you could say something like, “Dad, I love it that you always come to visit during the summer, but Mary misses you too.
I was thinking that maybe we could all go to see her this year instead.” Try to support your sibling and reinforce their efforts to get your parents to balance their time and attention more equitably. , If you and your family members are having a hard time solving your problems, family therapy might be a helpful option.
Talking out your problems in a neutral environment may help you keep your discussion productive and civil, and a trained therapist may be able to help you get to the bottom of old hurts and move forward., Certain issues, like splitting up inheritance money or maintaining a vacation home, can breed resentment among siblings.
Talk to your parents about whether they would be willing to hire a neutral third party to take care of any touchy financial issues laid out in their will.
About the Author
John Stevens
Enthusiastic about teaching crafts techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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