How to Calm a Teenager
Show empathy to your teenager., Listen with an open mind., Offer an alternative solution., Avoid name-calling or swearing., Apologize if necessary., Acknowledge adolescence isn’t easy., Encourage them to express their feelings., Remember your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Show empathy to your teenager.
Listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from.
Put yourself in their shoes.
Use active listening techniques to help further your understanding and help your teenager better communicate their feelings.Reflect your teenager’s feelings.
Echo back to them what you hear them saying and feeling.
For example, if your teen is complaining about the amount of homework they have, you could say, “You sound really stressed out and overwhelmed by your responsibilities.” If that is not how they feel, they will usually correct you with their true feeling: “No, I just feel like I never have enough free time.” Either way, it helps build further understanding for you both.Ask open-ended questions.
Generate more conversation with your teenager by asking questions that don’t require a yes or no answer.
You could ask questions like, “How do you think you could solve that problem?” or “How did that make you feel?” -
Step 2: Listen with an open mind.
You probably want your teenager to talk more about their lives with you.
If that’s the case, you need to listen to them with an open mind.
Foster open communication by allowing space for their perspective, ideas, and feelings.Keep your cool even if they are telling you about something you disapprove of.
For example, if your teenager reveals to you they got a body piercing, don’t say something like, “How on earth could you do something like that?” or “That was a stupid decision!” You’ll probably shut your child down and make them less likely to communicate with you in the future.
Instead, you could say, “If you want to do something like that again in the future, please come talk to me first.” , If your teenager is telling you about a poor decision they made, help them understand why it was wrong.
Help them think of what they could do if faced with a similar situation again.
You could make some suggestions.
For example, “If you feel that angry again, you could try excusing yourself for a few minutes and calming down, instead of hitting your sister.” Ask your teenager to come up with a few ideas as to how they could deal with this problem next time.
Have them think of two or three ways to handle it, and have them share their solutions with you., Role model the behavior you want to see your teen adopt.
You may be angry at your teenager, do your best to remain calm and keep your behavior in check.
Even if their language is inappropriate, do not respond in kind.
Be the bigger person.
Do not allow them to be verbally abusive to you.
Tell them you will talk to them again when they have calmed down.
You could say, “I know you are angry at me right now.
You are allowed to express your anger, but I will not allow you to swear at me and call me names.
We’ll continue this conversation once I know I will not be attacked.” , Your teenager may feel like they can trust you more if they know you will admit when you are wrong.
Teens know that adults make mistakes, and they hate it when the adult won't acknowledge this.It does not make you lose authority if you apologize to your teenager.
Rather, it can help foster a more respectful relationship.
If your teenager understands that you will actually treat them respectfully and as an “equal,” they will be more likely to give you respect.
Apologizing also serves as a role modeling behavior and models accountability for your teenager.You could say, “I’m sorry that I lost my temper with you yesterday over you not mowing the lawn.
I was disappointed that you broke your promise to me, but I shouldn’t have overreacted like that.
I hope you can accept my apology.” , Think about your own adolescence and remember that it probably wasn’t easy for you.
Realize that it is the same for your teenager.
Teens have many stresses.
Your kid is maturing into an adult and is dealing with pressures from school, homework, friends, popularity, dating, after-school activities, individuality, and hormones.
It's a heavy load for him or her to carry.Even though you may think their complaints are silly, especially in comparison to adult concerns, they are very real for your child.
Remember that your teenager may be encountering these situations for the first time, and needs non-judgmental help to navigate them successfully.
If your teen seems receptive, you could talk about some of your own, similar experiences as a teenager.
It may help your teenager understand that they are not alone in their feelings.
For example, if your daughter is distraught after the breakup of a relationship that lasted less than a month, resist the urge to dismiss her sadness with, “Well, you weren’t together very long, so get over it.” Instead, you could tell her, “I remember how hard it was the first time I got dumped, too.
I cried for days.
Breakups are always hard, but when you’re younger and don’t have much experience with them, they’re horrible.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.” , Talk to them about the benefit of expressing their emotions instead of keeping them in.
Otherwise, they may feel resentful.
They may also have more emotional outbursts or aggressive, acting-out behavior.
Let them know they can always come to you with a concern, but if they are not comfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk to a trustworthy friend or another valued adult in their lives.You could say, “I would hope that you always feel comfortable coming to me with any important problems, but I know you may not always want to.
I know you are close with your soccer coach.
If there’s ever anything you don’t want me to know, but perhaps need an adult’s help, I hope you can talk to her or someone else like her.” Encourage your teen to take up a hobby that allows them to express themselves creatively, such as music, art, or creative writing. , While it may not seem that way, your teenager does want you to be involved in their life, and they do want you to support them.
Keep in mind that they will likely never show gratitude, and in many cases, may complain about your presence, but know that being there for them will make a positive impact.
Understand that teenagers are naturally emotional, and try not to take their outbursts personally.
Try to attend your child’s athletic events or music performances at school.
While they may not acknowledge it, it will matter to them that you showed up.
Commend your teenager for their grades, part-time job, kindness, or whatever trait they have that makes you proud of them. -
Step 3: Offer an alternative solution.
-
Step 4: Avoid name-calling or swearing.
-
Step 5: Apologize if necessary.
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Step 6: Acknowledge adolescence isn’t easy.
-
Step 7: Encourage them to express their feelings.
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Step 8: Remember your teenager still loves you and wants your approval.
Detailed Guide
Listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from.
Put yourself in their shoes.
Use active listening techniques to help further your understanding and help your teenager better communicate their feelings.Reflect your teenager’s feelings.
Echo back to them what you hear them saying and feeling.
For example, if your teen is complaining about the amount of homework they have, you could say, “You sound really stressed out and overwhelmed by your responsibilities.” If that is not how they feel, they will usually correct you with their true feeling: “No, I just feel like I never have enough free time.” Either way, it helps build further understanding for you both.Ask open-ended questions.
Generate more conversation with your teenager by asking questions that don’t require a yes or no answer.
You could ask questions like, “How do you think you could solve that problem?” or “How did that make you feel?”
You probably want your teenager to talk more about their lives with you.
If that’s the case, you need to listen to them with an open mind.
Foster open communication by allowing space for their perspective, ideas, and feelings.Keep your cool even if they are telling you about something you disapprove of.
For example, if your teenager reveals to you they got a body piercing, don’t say something like, “How on earth could you do something like that?” or “That was a stupid decision!” You’ll probably shut your child down and make them less likely to communicate with you in the future.
Instead, you could say, “If you want to do something like that again in the future, please come talk to me first.” , If your teenager is telling you about a poor decision they made, help them understand why it was wrong.
Help them think of what they could do if faced with a similar situation again.
You could make some suggestions.
For example, “If you feel that angry again, you could try excusing yourself for a few minutes and calming down, instead of hitting your sister.” Ask your teenager to come up with a few ideas as to how they could deal with this problem next time.
Have them think of two or three ways to handle it, and have them share their solutions with you., Role model the behavior you want to see your teen adopt.
You may be angry at your teenager, do your best to remain calm and keep your behavior in check.
Even if their language is inappropriate, do not respond in kind.
Be the bigger person.
Do not allow them to be verbally abusive to you.
Tell them you will talk to them again when they have calmed down.
You could say, “I know you are angry at me right now.
You are allowed to express your anger, but I will not allow you to swear at me and call me names.
We’ll continue this conversation once I know I will not be attacked.” , Your teenager may feel like they can trust you more if they know you will admit when you are wrong.
Teens know that adults make mistakes, and they hate it when the adult won't acknowledge this.It does not make you lose authority if you apologize to your teenager.
Rather, it can help foster a more respectful relationship.
If your teenager understands that you will actually treat them respectfully and as an “equal,” they will be more likely to give you respect.
Apologizing also serves as a role modeling behavior and models accountability for your teenager.You could say, “I’m sorry that I lost my temper with you yesterday over you not mowing the lawn.
I was disappointed that you broke your promise to me, but I shouldn’t have overreacted like that.
I hope you can accept my apology.” , Think about your own adolescence and remember that it probably wasn’t easy for you.
Realize that it is the same for your teenager.
Teens have many stresses.
Your kid is maturing into an adult and is dealing with pressures from school, homework, friends, popularity, dating, after-school activities, individuality, and hormones.
It's a heavy load for him or her to carry.Even though you may think their complaints are silly, especially in comparison to adult concerns, they are very real for your child.
Remember that your teenager may be encountering these situations for the first time, and needs non-judgmental help to navigate them successfully.
If your teen seems receptive, you could talk about some of your own, similar experiences as a teenager.
It may help your teenager understand that they are not alone in their feelings.
For example, if your daughter is distraught after the breakup of a relationship that lasted less than a month, resist the urge to dismiss her sadness with, “Well, you weren’t together very long, so get over it.” Instead, you could tell her, “I remember how hard it was the first time I got dumped, too.
I cried for days.
Breakups are always hard, but when you’re younger and don’t have much experience with them, they’re horrible.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.” , Talk to them about the benefit of expressing their emotions instead of keeping them in.
Otherwise, they may feel resentful.
They may also have more emotional outbursts or aggressive, acting-out behavior.
Let them know they can always come to you with a concern, but if they are not comfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk to a trustworthy friend or another valued adult in their lives.You could say, “I would hope that you always feel comfortable coming to me with any important problems, but I know you may not always want to.
I know you are close with your soccer coach.
If there’s ever anything you don’t want me to know, but perhaps need an adult’s help, I hope you can talk to her or someone else like her.” Encourage your teen to take up a hobby that allows them to express themselves creatively, such as music, art, or creative writing. , While it may not seem that way, your teenager does want you to be involved in their life, and they do want you to support them.
Keep in mind that they will likely never show gratitude, and in many cases, may complain about your presence, but know that being there for them will make a positive impact.
Understand that teenagers are naturally emotional, and try not to take their outbursts personally.
Try to attend your child’s athletic events or music performances at school.
While they may not acknowledge it, it will matter to them that you showed up.
Commend your teenager for their grades, part-time job, kindness, or whatever trait they have that makes you proud of them.
About the Author
Larry Taylor
Committed to making organization accessible and understandable for everyone.
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