How to Change Someone Else's Behavior
Identify the behavior., Determine if the person is open to changing that behavior., Tell the person that the behavior bothers you.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Identify the behavior.
Pinpoint the exact behavior that you want to change about the person.
If you want the person to just “be less annoying” or “text me more often,” you will not get the results you want.
Pinpoint the exact behavior you want to change and mark exactly how you want it to change.
For example, rather than saying that you want your friend to “be less annoying,” plan to say that you want your friend to “stop interrupting conversations she’s not a part of.” Or, instead of wanting your partner to “text you more often,” you could want your partner to “text you good morning and goodnight every day.” -
Step 2: Determine if the person is open to changing that behavior.
Ultimately, you cannot force anyone to change.
You can only change things about yourself.
This idea applies both to you and to the person you’re trying to change.
See if the person wants to change and believes that he has the capacity to change.Don’t actively ask the person if he is open to change; instead, try to figure out if there’s a possibility that the person wants to change.
In some situations, it might be appropriate to ask that person’s friends and loved ones what they know about this behavior and what the person has done to change it.
If the person has tried to quit smoking several times before, he might be open to trying again with a different approach.
If the person has tried, he at least at one point believed he was open to change.
You can also pay attention to what the person says about the topic and life in general.
If the person says fixed statements like “I’ll be fat forever,” or, “I guess I’m just not a smart person,” the person may not think that he can change.
If the person does want to change or is at least open to the possibility of change, you might be able to help him change his behavior.
However, if the person does not want to change, you might not be able to do anything about the problem at this point. , The person may not realize the extent to which her behavior upsets you.
Choose a time to talk when you are calm, have enough time to have a long conversation, and have thought about what you want to say.
Do not raise your voice or yell at the person.
Make your feelings about the behavior very clear to the person.
For example, say: “When you are late, I feel like I am not a priority to you, and that hurts my feelings.” Give specific examples. “When you were late meeting me last week, you made us both late to the Bon Jovi concert and we missed the first song.
I was really mad about that because I love Bon Jovi and those tickets were expensive.” Ask for what you do want instead.
For example, say: “Next time you’re going to be late, could you please call me and let me know?” Once you've made your wishes clear, back off and do not belabor the point.
Nagging her if she already knows what's wrong is unlikely to have a positive outcome. -
Step 3: Tell the person that the behavior bothers you.
Detailed Guide
Pinpoint the exact behavior that you want to change about the person.
If you want the person to just “be less annoying” or “text me more often,” you will not get the results you want.
Pinpoint the exact behavior you want to change and mark exactly how you want it to change.
For example, rather than saying that you want your friend to “be less annoying,” plan to say that you want your friend to “stop interrupting conversations she’s not a part of.” Or, instead of wanting your partner to “text you more often,” you could want your partner to “text you good morning and goodnight every day.”
Ultimately, you cannot force anyone to change.
You can only change things about yourself.
This idea applies both to you and to the person you’re trying to change.
See if the person wants to change and believes that he has the capacity to change.Don’t actively ask the person if he is open to change; instead, try to figure out if there’s a possibility that the person wants to change.
In some situations, it might be appropriate to ask that person’s friends and loved ones what they know about this behavior and what the person has done to change it.
If the person has tried to quit smoking several times before, he might be open to trying again with a different approach.
If the person has tried, he at least at one point believed he was open to change.
You can also pay attention to what the person says about the topic and life in general.
If the person says fixed statements like “I’ll be fat forever,” or, “I guess I’m just not a smart person,” the person may not think that he can change.
If the person does want to change or is at least open to the possibility of change, you might be able to help him change his behavior.
However, if the person does not want to change, you might not be able to do anything about the problem at this point. , The person may not realize the extent to which her behavior upsets you.
Choose a time to talk when you are calm, have enough time to have a long conversation, and have thought about what you want to say.
Do not raise your voice or yell at the person.
Make your feelings about the behavior very clear to the person.
For example, say: “When you are late, I feel like I am not a priority to you, and that hurts my feelings.” Give specific examples. “When you were late meeting me last week, you made us both late to the Bon Jovi concert and we missed the first song.
I was really mad about that because I love Bon Jovi and those tickets were expensive.” Ask for what you do want instead.
For example, say: “Next time you’re going to be late, could you please call me and let me know?” Once you've made your wishes clear, back off and do not belabor the point.
Nagging her if she already knows what's wrong is unlikely to have a positive outcome.
About the Author
Paul Armstrong
Committed to making home improvement accessible and understandable for everyone.
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