How to Cope With Annoying Grandparents
Figure out what you mean by “annoying”., Consider your grandparents' perspective., Learn more about your grandparents., Find common ground with your grandparents., Assess your own role in the conflict., Decide what you can put up with and what you...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Figure out what you mean by “annoying”.
Before tackling any problem, we need to be able to identify the real source of our frustration.
It's easy enough to huff that our grandparents are so annoying, but what is it really about their behavior that bothers us so much? Complaining to your grandparents (or to anyone who will listen) that they are annoying won't fix anything.
Try to be specific as you identify the problem to yourself: “It bothers me when Grandma treats me like I'm five when I visit and won't let me watch “The Walking Dead,” even though I'm twenty-five”.
Before deciding how you'll deal with the situation and potentially confront your grandparents, spend some time reflecting and writing down your issues for yourself. -
Step 2: Consider your grandparents' perspective.
When dealing with any sort of interpersonal conflict, it's important to try to sympathetically identify with the other person.
This means that you need to try to put yourself in their shoes and attempt to understand their perspective.
Try to figure out why your grandparents are acting as they do.
You may eventually need to have a direct conversation with your grandparents in which you air your grievances, but you'll be better prepared for this if you first make some educated guesses on your own.
Grandma may not let you watch your favorite program when you're staying with her over winter break, but do you think that may be because she herself finds the program too gruesome? Is it possible that your grandparents are trying to monitor what you watch because they still think of you as their innocent five-year-old and are merely nostalgic? You may be annoyed that Grandma and Grandpa call you every other day, but is it possible that they just miss being able to see and talk to you more regularly? , You have your own unique relationship with your grandparents, but you may not know much about them outside of this context.
Assuming that your grandparents are willing to share, learning as much about them as possible will help you begin to understand them as individuals and may help you identify ways to begin to improve your relationship.
Before you begin to deal with your specific problem (your frustration with your grandparents' over-involvement or absence in your life, for example), talk to your grandparents about their own lives and relationships with their grandparents.
Ask your grandparents very specific questions: “How often did you see your grandparents?” “Were your grandparents strict with you or indulgent?” “What do you wish you had been able to do with them while you had time together?” It may also help to learn more about the differences between generations.
If your grandparents grew up during the Great Depression or the Civil Rights Movement, for example, learning this will give you important insight into their outlook on life. , As you move forward with improving your relationship, it will help to be able to keep in mind your shared traits and values.
Do you share your grandfather's wacky sense of humor? Keeping this in mind will help you as you decide when and how to confront your grandfather about the particular thing that is bothering you.
If grandpa responds well to humor, then approaching the topic with a joke could work well.
Think as well about what you are thankful for in your relationship with your grandparents: have they always been there for you? Are you able to call them at midnight when you have a flat tire? If loyalty is deeply important to them (and you), recognizing this may help you understand the source of some of their more annoying habits or may help you look past them. , It's pretty rare for a problem to be only one-sided, so it's important for you to honestly reflect upon yourself to identify any ways in which you may have been contributing to the situation.
For example, is it possible that while you are currently annoyed with your grandparents for not treating you like an adult and allowing you to come in late at night, you are at other times letting them wait on you hand-and-foot as they did when you were younger? If so, be aware of the mixed message you are sending them.
Is it possible that you are transferring—responding negatively to your own traits that you don't like as you see them exhibited in your grandparents? If so, it's hardly fair to criticize them for never returning phone calls, for example, when you yourself have a spotty track record at this.
Are you impatient or hostile when dealing with your grandparents? You may think that you are successfully hiding your annoyance, but keep in mind that our body language, facial expressions, and tone can speak volumes.
Your grandparents also quite likely know you very well and are thus probably already aware of your frustration.
This could very well be contributing to the tension. , Remember that not every battle needs to be fought, and indeed, picking every battle will only increase overall tension and frustration.
Especially if you don't see your grandparents all that regularly, adapting your schedule and habits to keep the peace most likely shouldn't require too much effort.
You may have been waiting all week to get caught up on your favorite program, but is it really worth fighting over if you can DVR it or watch it later on your phone or laptop? On the other hand, while you may decide that you can live with your grandparents' obvious distaste for your fashion style, you may not be able to (or want to) put up with their insults or hostility to your romantic partner.
The main point here is to decide what's important to you, both in terms of your own life and in terms of preserving your relationship with your grandparents. , Once you've done your best to try to understand where your grandparents are coming from, find common ground, and figure out your own role in the situation, it's time for you to talk to them.
Make sure that you choose an appropriate time and place to talk to your grandparents.
If they turn in early, then deciding to talk to them about what you take to be their condescending attitude towards your career choice right before their bedtime will most likely not go well.
Try not to be accusatory in your language.
Even though you find them annoying, don't start off by saying, “Grandma, you are so annoying when you constantly push more food at me.” Instead, try framing your grievance with “I” language: “Grandma, I love that you cook me such tasty meals when I visit, but I sometimes feel pressured to overeat, which I find frustrating”.
Notice as well that when you talk with your grandparents it will help to frame the discussion in terms of what you appreciate about them, in spite of your need to address a problem.
You may also want to try reflecting your grandparents' questions or comments back to them.
If you are bothered by their constant queries about your dating life, the next time they ask, try responding, “Why do you ask?”.
Their answer may surprise you, or they may realize that that they've been over-asking. , While it's probably best that you try to handle your problems yourself, depending upon the severity of the problem or your comfort level with your grandparents, you may decide to enlist the help of your parents.
Whether your parents have a close or strained relationship with their parents, they should be in a position to give you good insight.
They can either provide you with advice about how to approach your grandparents or if necessary, discuss things over with them on your behalf.
If you do decide to vent to your parents or have them talk things over with your grandparents, be careful not to place them in too awkward of a position.
If your only issue is that your grandparents are annoying (and not malicious or abusive), then this is something that a mature individual should be able to handle independently.
One of your parents' most important roles is to protect you, but not necessarily from life's everyday annoyances.
Of course, if your grandparents are abusive, things change entirely.
There is no rule that we must retain contact with people who are toxic or harmful, even if they are family. -
Step 3: Learn more about your grandparents.
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Step 4: Find common ground with your grandparents.
-
Step 5: Assess your own role in the conflict.
-
Step 6: Decide what you can put up with and what you can't.
-
Step 7: Talk things over your grandparents.
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Step 8: Consult your parents.
Detailed Guide
Before tackling any problem, we need to be able to identify the real source of our frustration.
It's easy enough to huff that our grandparents are so annoying, but what is it really about their behavior that bothers us so much? Complaining to your grandparents (or to anyone who will listen) that they are annoying won't fix anything.
Try to be specific as you identify the problem to yourself: “It bothers me when Grandma treats me like I'm five when I visit and won't let me watch “The Walking Dead,” even though I'm twenty-five”.
Before deciding how you'll deal with the situation and potentially confront your grandparents, spend some time reflecting and writing down your issues for yourself.
When dealing with any sort of interpersonal conflict, it's important to try to sympathetically identify with the other person.
This means that you need to try to put yourself in their shoes and attempt to understand their perspective.
Try to figure out why your grandparents are acting as they do.
You may eventually need to have a direct conversation with your grandparents in which you air your grievances, but you'll be better prepared for this if you first make some educated guesses on your own.
Grandma may not let you watch your favorite program when you're staying with her over winter break, but do you think that may be because she herself finds the program too gruesome? Is it possible that your grandparents are trying to monitor what you watch because they still think of you as their innocent five-year-old and are merely nostalgic? You may be annoyed that Grandma and Grandpa call you every other day, but is it possible that they just miss being able to see and talk to you more regularly? , You have your own unique relationship with your grandparents, but you may not know much about them outside of this context.
Assuming that your grandparents are willing to share, learning as much about them as possible will help you begin to understand them as individuals and may help you identify ways to begin to improve your relationship.
Before you begin to deal with your specific problem (your frustration with your grandparents' over-involvement or absence in your life, for example), talk to your grandparents about their own lives and relationships with their grandparents.
Ask your grandparents very specific questions: “How often did you see your grandparents?” “Were your grandparents strict with you or indulgent?” “What do you wish you had been able to do with them while you had time together?” It may also help to learn more about the differences between generations.
If your grandparents grew up during the Great Depression or the Civil Rights Movement, for example, learning this will give you important insight into their outlook on life. , As you move forward with improving your relationship, it will help to be able to keep in mind your shared traits and values.
Do you share your grandfather's wacky sense of humor? Keeping this in mind will help you as you decide when and how to confront your grandfather about the particular thing that is bothering you.
If grandpa responds well to humor, then approaching the topic with a joke could work well.
Think as well about what you are thankful for in your relationship with your grandparents: have they always been there for you? Are you able to call them at midnight when you have a flat tire? If loyalty is deeply important to them (and you), recognizing this may help you understand the source of some of their more annoying habits or may help you look past them. , It's pretty rare for a problem to be only one-sided, so it's important for you to honestly reflect upon yourself to identify any ways in which you may have been contributing to the situation.
For example, is it possible that while you are currently annoyed with your grandparents for not treating you like an adult and allowing you to come in late at night, you are at other times letting them wait on you hand-and-foot as they did when you were younger? If so, be aware of the mixed message you are sending them.
Is it possible that you are transferring—responding negatively to your own traits that you don't like as you see them exhibited in your grandparents? If so, it's hardly fair to criticize them for never returning phone calls, for example, when you yourself have a spotty track record at this.
Are you impatient or hostile when dealing with your grandparents? You may think that you are successfully hiding your annoyance, but keep in mind that our body language, facial expressions, and tone can speak volumes.
Your grandparents also quite likely know you very well and are thus probably already aware of your frustration.
This could very well be contributing to the tension. , Remember that not every battle needs to be fought, and indeed, picking every battle will only increase overall tension and frustration.
Especially if you don't see your grandparents all that regularly, adapting your schedule and habits to keep the peace most likely shouldn't require too much effort.
You may have been waiting all week to get caught up on your favorite program, but is it really worth fighting over if you can DVR it or watch it later on your phone or laptop? On the other hand, while you may decide that you can live with your grandparents' obvious distaste for your fashion style, you may not be able to (or want to) put up with their insults or hostility to your romantic partner.
The main point here is to decide what's important to you, both in terms of your own life and in terms of preserving your relationship with your grandparents. , Once you've done your best to try to understand where your grandparents are coming from, find common ground, and figure out your own role in the situation, it's time for you to talk to them.
Make sure that you choose an appropriate time and place to talk to your grandparents.
If they turn in early, then deciding to talk to them about what you take to be their condescending attitude towards your career choice right before their bedtime will most likely not go well.
Try not to be accusatory in your language.
Even though you find them annoying, don't start off by saying, “Grandma, you are so annoying when you constantly push more food at me.” Instead, try framing your grievance with “I” language: “Grandma, I love that you cook me such tasty meals when I visit, but I sometimes feel pressured to overeat, which I find frustrating”.
Notice as well that when you talk with your grandparents it will help to frame the discussion in terms of what you appreciate about them, in spite of your need to address a problem.
You may also want to try reflecting your grandparents' questions or comments back to them.
If you are bothered by their constant queries about your dating life, the next time they ask, try responding, “Why do you ask?”.
Their answer may surprise you, or they may realize that that they've been over-asking. , While it's probably best that you try to handle your problems yourself, depending upon the severity of the problem or your comfort level with your grandparents, you may decide to enlist the help of your parents.
Whether your parents have a close or strained relationship with their parents, they should be in a position to give you good insight.
They can either provide you with advice about how to approach your grandparents or if necessary, discuss things over with them on your behalf.
If you do decide to vent to your parents or have them talk things over with your grandparents, be careful not to place them in too awkward of a position.
If your only issue is that your grandparents are annoying (and not malicious or abusive), then this is something that a mature individual should be able to handle independently.
One of your parents' most important roles is to protect you, but not necessarily from life's everyday annoyances.
Of course, if your grandparents are abusive, things change entirely.
There is no rule that we must retain contact with people who are toxic or harmful, even if they are family.
About the Author
Andrew Harris
Andrew Harris specializes in lifestyle and practical guides and has been creating helpful content for over 7 years. Andrew is committed to helping readers learn new skills and improve their lives.
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