How to Deal with a Controlling Mother As a Teen Mom
Establish your boundaries., Explain why you cannot do something., Negotiate more reasonable expectations., Empathize with her.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Establish your boundaries.
Write down a list of everything that your mother expects of you that you find unreasonable.
Once you have determined what types of freedoms you want, you can carve out boundaries.
Express these boundaries clearly to your mother.
Let her know that you are still willing to communicate and work with her but that you cannot blindly submit to all of her expectations.
For example, inform her how much notice you need to do something.
Say, “I’m happy to help out around the house, but please give me at least an hour’s notice to do something so that I can finish my other work as well.” You should consistently reinforce these boundaries.For example, if she tells you that you should not let the child watch TV, you can say, “Thanks for your advice, but as their mother, I think that it should be ok for them to watch a few cartoons.” -
Step 2: Explain why you cannot do something.
If your mother demands that you do something that you are unable or are unwilling to do, give her a good reason up front or see if you can provide her with a reasonable alternative.
She may just be frustrated about something that needs to get done, and not actually mad at you.
This will establish that you are not rebelling but rather you have legitimate reasons why you can't obey.
Do not simply answer “no” or “I can’t.”For example, if your mom is trying to restrict your movement outside of the house, instead of responding, "That's unfair," you can state, “I know you are looking out for me, but I don’t think it’s healthy for my child and I to be cooped up in the house all day.
I’m going to take them to the park.” , Asserting your independence means that you may have to continuously renegotiate boundaries, expectations, and rules based on your present situation.
When your mother expresses a new rule or demand, gently reply with a counter-offer.
This should take her demands into account while giving you more freedom and room.
For example, if your mother expects you to report everywhere you go, you can say, “I will call you at three o’clock to update you, but I don’t think I can check in more often than that.” If you are still in school, it can be extremely difficult to finish your schoolwork while caring for a child of your own.
If your mother is nagging you about your grades, tell her that you are working as hard as you can.
You can say, “My education is important to me, but so is my kid.
Whatever grade I get, I’ll know I tried my hardest.” , Your mother probably wants the best for you.
While this may manifest as controlling behavior, try to step back and see things from her perspective.
Not only will this help you appreciate the good things that she does but it may help you find a way to get around her more overbearing characteristics.If you are living with your mother or depending on her for financial support, understand that she might be stressed too.
She may not have expected to help raise another baby.
Perhaps she was planning on saving money for retirement that is now using to help care for your child.
Maybe she has to take extra shifts at work.
Although she may be controlling, her attempts to guide you may be a sincere expression of her love.
Be sure to express your gratitude for her help and look for opportunities to do things to show her how much you appreciate her help.
No one likes to make great sacrifices and feel unappreciated for them. -
Step 3: Negotiate more reasonable expectations.
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Step 4: Empathize with her.
Detailed Guide
Write down a list of everything that your mother expects of you that you find unreasonable.
Once you have determined what types of freedoms you want, you can carve out boundaries.
Express these boundaries clearly to your mother.
Let her know that you are still willing to communicate and work with her but that you cannot blindly submit to all of her expectations.
For example, inform her how much notice you need to do something.
Say, “I’m happy to help out around the house, but please give me at least an hour’s notice to do something so that I can finish my other work as well.” You should consistently reinforce these boundaries.For example, if she tells you that you should not let the child watch TV, you can say, “Thanks for your advice, but as their mother, I think that it should be ok for them to watch a few cartoons.”
If your mother demands that you do something that you are unable or are unwilling to do, give her a good reason up front or see if you can provide her with a reasonable alternative.
She may just be frustrated about something that needs to get done, and not actually mad at you.
This will establish that you are not rebelling but rather you have legitimate reasons why you can't obey.
Do not simply answer “no” or “I can’t.”For example, if your mom is trying to restrict your movement outside of the house, instead of responding, "That's unfair," you can state, “I know you are looking out for me, but I don’t think it’s healthy for my child and I to be cooped up in the house all day.
I’m going to take them to the park.” , Asserting your independence means that you may have to continuously renegotiate boundaries, expectations, and rules based on your present situation.
When your mother expresses a new rule or demand, gently reply with a counter-offer.
This should take her demands into account while giving you more freedom and room.
For example, if your mother expects you to report everywhere you go, you can say, “I will call you at three o’clock to update you, but I don’t think I can check in more often than that.” If you are still in school, it can be extremely difficult to finish your schoolwork while caring for a child of your own.
If your mother is nagging you about your grades, tell her that you are working as hard as you can.
You can say, “My education is important to me, but so is my kid.
Whatever grade I get, I’ll know I tried my hardest.” , Your mother probably wants the best for you.
While this may manifest as controlling behavior, try to step back and see things from her perspective.
Not only will this help you appreciate the good things that she does but it may help you find a way to get around her more overbearing characteristics.If you are living with your mother or depending on her for financial support, understand that she might be stressed too.
She may not have expected to help raise another baby.
Perhaps she was planning on saving money for retirement that is now using to help care for your child.
Maybe she has to take extra shifts at work.
Although she may be controlling, her attempts to guide you may be a sincere expression of her love.
Be sure to express your gratitude for her help and look for opportunities to do things to show her how much you appreciate her help.
No one likes to make great sacrifices and feel unappreciated for them.
About the Author
Jose Thomas
Experienced content creator specializing in hobbies guides and tutorials.
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