How to Deal with a Destructive Parent As an Adult
Seek therapy., Be aware of therapy ethics., Keep a journal., Practice self-care., Avoid numbing behaviors., Find trustworthy people., Find a support group.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Seek therapy.
Seek a qualified therapist to help you unpack your feelings from childhood that carry into your adult life and relationships.
Your therapist will help you work through emotions, deal with unhealthy thought patterns, and help you strategize in dealing with your parent.
While not everyone needs to see a therapist to manage problems with their parents, it can be helpful, particularly if you feel as though you are struggling.
Signs you may benefit from therapy include: feelings of helplessness and sadness, your problems not improving, excessive worrying or constantly being on edge, or struggling with addiction issues (like alcohol or drug use). -
Step 2: Be aware of therapy ethics.
Therapists are bound by a strong code of ethics by their association or state governing board.
This is for your own protection, so that you feel safe in self-disclosing your feelings to your therapist for the most beneficial treatment.
In dealing with the trauma from a parent, however, some regulations may be important to remember:
Your therapist cannot diagnose your parent in absentia.
They may give you strategies for dealing with someone who has an alcohol problem, for example, but they cannot say, “Yes, your mother is an alcoholic,” without independently evaluating her.Your therapist is bound by confidentiality, but they are mandated reporters.
If you have a minor sibling in the home who is experiencing abuse, or another parent who is abused or neglected, they are required by law to report these incidents., You may find it helpful to write down some of your emotions and examine your childhood memories privately.
Journaling helps you clarify your emotions and get to know yourself better.Journaling allows you to keep a record of your thoughts.
Looking back on your old writing helps you see thought patterns and remember incidents (and your reactions to them) you may have forgotten.
This can lead to greater self-awareness and personal growth.
If you are in therapy, you can bring your journal to your therapist and read some of your self-reflections. , Self-care refers to behaviors and techniques a person can use to reduce stress and increase a feeling of well-being.
Self-care practices help you bring more balance to your life.
They also help you recognize your limits: you begin to feel a need for self-care in your body, or in a fatigued mental state.
Self-care techniques vary for different people.Think about what activities you enjoy that feel restorative to you.
You may feel better after dinner with a close friend, extra sleep, attending a religious service, or exercising.
Try to incorporate these activities into your everyday life.
You can often tell if you are in need of self-care by the signals in your body.
You may feel irritable, anxious, exhausted, or forgetful.Practicing self-care can help you feel more “normal” again after a draining encounter with your parent. , Numbing behaviors are usually addictive in nature and keep you from dealing with your emotions.
These behaviors, like alcohol and drug use, binge-eating, or zoning out in front of the TV are not tools for self-care.
If you struggle with addictive behaviors, consider attending a recovery meeting like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Overeaters Anonymous. , In instances where you are estranged from your parents and/or extended family, you will want to find people in your life who can help you feel emotionally supported.
Be a supportive person for these people, too.
Find an older adult who can help you in a mentor capacity.
Is there someone older in your life who can provide you the perspective that age brings? Think about people who’ve “got your back.” These people might be your close friends, your roommate, extended family, members of your religious institution, or coworkers.
Build your own support network.
Keep in mind that different people will serve different roles for you: the friend who you can always count on for a fun time, the coworker who mentors you professionally, and so on., Look for a support group for people who cope with difficult parents.
Support groups help you connect with others who have similar experiences, helping you to feel less isolated.
Together, you can talk about your problems, communicate your successes, and find strategies for managing your situation.Search online for support groups.
For example, try searching for “support groups for adult children of narcissists” if you believe your parent may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
There may be in-person support groups you can attend, or you may find support in online forums.
If you are a child of an alcoholic, you may find support at Al-Anon.
Teenagers of alcoholic parents may find help at Alateen. -
Step 3: Keep a journal.
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Step 4: Practice self-care.
-
Step 5: Avoid numbing behaviors.
-
Step 6: Find trustworthy people.
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Step 7: Find a support group.
Detailed Guide
Seek a qualified therapist to help you unpack your feelings from childhood that carry into your adult life and relationships.
Your therapist will help you work through emotions, deal with unhealthy thought patterns, and help you strategize in dealing with your parent.
While not everyone needs to see a therapist to manage problems with their parents, it can be helpful, particularly if you feel as though you are struggling.
Signs you may benefit from therapy include: feelings of helplessness and sadness, your problems not improving, excessive worrying or constantly being on edge, or struggling with addiction issues (like alcohol or drug use).
Therapists are bound by a strong code of ethics by their association or state governing board.
This is for your own protection, so that you feel safe in self-disclosing your feelings to your therapist for the most beneficial treatment.
In dealing with the trauma from a parent, however, some regulations may be important to remember:
Your therapist cannot diagnose your parent in absentia.
They may give you strategies for dealing with someone who has an alcohol problem, for example, but they cannot say, “Yes, your mother is an alcoholic,” without independently evaluating her.Your therapist is bound by confidentiality, but they are mandated reporters.
If you have a minor sibling in the home who is experiencing abuse, or another parent who is abused or neglected, they are required by law to report these incidents., You may find it helpful to write down some of your emotions and examine your childhood memories privately.
Journaling helps you clarify your emotions and get to know yourself better.Journaling allows you to keep a record of your thoughts.
Looking back on your old writing helps you see thought patterns and remember incidents (and your reactions to them) you may have forgotten.
This can lead to greater self-awareness and personal growth.
If you are in therapy, you can bring your journal to your therapist and read some of your self-reflections. , Self-care refers to behaviors and techniques a person can use to reduce stress and increase a feeling of well-being.
Self-care practices help you bring more balance to your life.
They also help you recognize your limits: you begin to feel a need for self-care in your body, or in a fatigued mental state.
Self-care techniques vary for different people.Think about what activities you enjoy that feel restorative to you.
You may feel better after dinner with a close friend, extra sleep, attending a religious service, or exercising.
Try to incorporate these activities into your everyday life.
You can often tell if you are in need of self-care by the signals in your body.
You may feel irritable, anxious, exhausted, or forgetful.Practicing self-care can help you feel more “normal” again after a draining encounter with your parent. , Numbing behaviors are usually addictive in nature and keep you from dealing with your emotions.
These behaviors, like alcohol and drug use, binge-eating, or zoning out in front of the TV are not tools for self-care.
If you struggle with addictive behaviors, consider attending a recovery meeting like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Overeaters Anonymous. , In instances where you are estranged from your parents and/or extended family, you will want to find people in your life who can help you feel emotionally supported.
Be a supportive person for these people, too.
Find an older adult who can help you in a mentor capacity.
Is there someone older in your life who can provide you the perspective that age brings? Think about people who’ve “got your back.” These people might be your close friends, your roommate, extended family, members of your religious institution, or coworkers.
Build your own support network.
Keep in mind that different people will serve different roles for you: the friend who you can always count on for a fun time, the coworker who mentors you professionally, and so on., Look for a support group for people who cope with difficult parents.
Support groups help you connect with others who have similar experiences, helping you to feel less isolated.
Together, you can talk about your problems, communicate your successes, and find strategies for managing your situation.Search online for support groups.
For example, try searching for “support groups for adult children of narcissists” if you believe your parent may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
There may be in-person support groups you can attend, or you may find support in online forums.
If you are a child of an alcoholic, you may find support at Al-Anon.
Teenagers of alcoholic parents may find help at Alateen.
About the Author
Hannah Jones
Hannah Jones is an experienced writer with over 2 years of expertise in finance and banking. Passionate about sharing practical knowledge, Hannah creates easy-to-follow guides that help readers achieve their goals.
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