How to Deal With an Alcoholic Parent
Understand the causes of alcoholism., Try talking to your parent when they are sober., Avoid arguing with a drunk parent., Stay consistent., Realize that your parent's alcoholism is Not your fault., Let your feelings out., Don't depend on your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Understand the causes of alcoholism.
The most common cause is depression.
It doesn't happen very often that a person becomes an alcoholic without being depressed; moreover, drinking does nothing but make one even more depressed.
The only difference between being depressed when sober and being depressed when drunk is that people forget about themselves and can lose control of their actions when intoxicated.
It's important to know that despite the fact that some actions are blamed on loss of control, the overall responsibility of their control is up to the person who is drinking.
They are the ones who make the choice to drink, and so the person who drinks somehow eases a burden by pushing that responsibility off onto someone, or something else.
It's more difficult to deal with your problems when sober; when you are drunk you can refuse responsibility for everything. -
Step 2: Try talking to your parent when they are sober.
Find a time when both of you are calm and your parent has not been drinking.
Sit your parent down and discuss how their alcoholism makes you feel.
Explain the problems that have arisen because of the drinking.
You will probably not be able to convince your parent to stop drinking completely but you can at least encourage more responsible drinking and try to inject some realism into their understanding of the impacts.
Make it clear what behavior you will and won't tolerate.
This is not about telling a parent what to do–about ensuring your own safety and well-being.
Say that if they keep getting drunk, you will take action (such as getting in help, leaving to stay with someone else, etc.).
Encourage your parent to talk about possible reasons for the depression that fuels it.
Showing compassion is not the same thing as tolerating or enabling your parent.
You can encourage seeking therapy for the depression but don't be discouraged or surprised if your parent refuses to entertain this idea–it's fairly confronting as it requires taking responsibility.
Ask your parent to take a gradual approach to reducing their reliance on alcohol.
It won't work asking them to stop drinking all at once but you can tell them to at least decrease the amount of drinking day by day or week by week. , A heated argument with a drunk parent is one you will rarely win and it will make the drinker clam up in any future talks.
There is a risk of you getting physically hurt, too.
In addition, your parent may not even remember the argument the next day, though she or he might remember that they were mad at you.
Avoid sounding as if you're accusing or nagging.
Remember that as your parent, they will feel disrespected if you try to tell them what to do.
Instead, phrase it as a request coming from their loving and concerned child. , If you tell your alcoholic parent that you will do certain things as a consequence of their drinking, stick to it.
Inconsistency will only make your parent realize that you don't mean what you say and lets them continue to pull the emotional triggers that keep you stuck in enabling their behavior.
Do not facilitate your parent's alcoholism by purchasing or obtaining alcohol for them.
Equally, don't provide money for your parent to get alcohol with.
If you've already gotten into a pattern like this, realize that while it will be hard to stop doing so, it is important to be consistent with your desire to see them sober again. , Many alcoholic parents blame their children for their alcoholism.
Even without having the finger pointed at you, it may feel like the fault is yours.
It isn't.
Your parent is the one who chooses to drink, not you.
Part of the allure of alcohol is that it does allow a person to become a bit more "Teflon-coated"–in other words, rather than taking responsibility for their life and actions, alcohol lubricates the ability to level blame at others.
You may feel resentment, especially if you've had to take over household chores. , Get a journal and write down everything you feel.
Or, if you're afraid your parent will find it, get an online journal and make it private.
Clearing your history will help minimize the chances of getting caught.
Keeping a journal may help you put your feelings into words.
Finding ways to express your feelings will help you process and deal with them, whereas bottling them up inside will simply create a pressure-cooker type situation–and when you blow, it may be spectacular.
That's not desirable.
Instead, try to deal with things in smaller, daily bits.
Looking after your feelings and yourself should be the biggest priority.
Worrying all of the time about a parent's alcoholism is ultimately draining and can leave you feeling upset, confused and embarrassed.
Exploring your feelings is an important part of acknowledging them. , For example, if you're going out somewhere, make sure you have a backup plan in case your parent gets drunk and can't (or forgets to) pick you up.
Always have backup plans, options and other people to help you out of tight spots if needed.
Being resourceful will stand you in good stead both now and in the future. , Go out with your friends often and have fun.
Joining a sports team, reading and drawing are also good activities that will help you escape when you need a break.
There is not much you can do to control your own situation at home, so staying when you can with reliable family and friends who care about you will help you feel more stable and in control of your own life. , Children of alcoholics are three to four times more likely to become alcoholics themselves.
Remember everything about your parent when drunk that you do not like and keep that in mind if you're tempted. , Never tolerate abuse or violence.
You need to get out before things escalate or continue the way they are if the abuse has been happening for a while.
Have emergency numbers ready to fast dial on your phone.
Know who to contact and where to go if you need a safe haven.
Make sure you have enough money to get you to safety, well hidden.
Do not hesitate–nobody deserves to be harmed, no matter what the relationship.
You are not being disloyal when you seek to protect yourself. , A best friend, school counselor, trusted teacher, or family member are all good choices.
They won't judge you, and they'll try to help.
And knowing there is someone who knows or understands what you're going through can be very comforting if things get rough.
It is a very good idea to tell a trusted person about your home's situation, as not only will you feel better for it, you'll also have someone "on your side".
If talking with a friend, approach them (or their parents) and tell them of the severity of your parent's drinking; bring up the topic when the time is right.
Ask if you can rely on them if you need a place to spend a night or two, should your parent get out of hand. -
Step 3: Avoid arguing with a drunk parent.
-
Step 4: Stay consistent.
-
Step 5: Realize that your parent's alcoholism is Not your fault.
-
Step 6: Let your feelings out.
-
Step 7: Don't depend on your parent or trust what they say they will do unless your parent has proven that you can depend on them.
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Step 8: Do things that will take your mind off of the situation at home.
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Step 9: Do not start drinking yourself.
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Step 10: Get out if your parent becomes abusive.
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Step 11: Do not be afraid to tell someone.
Detailed Guide
The most common cause is depression.
It doesn't happen very often that a person becomes an alcoholic without being depressed; moreover, drinking does nothing but make one even more depressed.
The only difference between being depressed when sober and being depressed when drunk is that people forget about themselves and can lose control of their actions when intoxicated.
It's important to know that despite the fact that some actions are blamed on loss of control, the overall responsibility of their control is up to the person who is drinking.
They are the ones who make the choice to drink, and so the person who drinks somehow eases a burden by pushing that responsibility off onto someone, or something else.
It's more difficult to deal with your problems when sober; when you are drunk you can refuse responsibility for everything.
Find a time when both of you are calm and your parent has not been drinking.
Sit your parent down and discuss how their alcoholism makes you feel.
Explain the problems that have arisen because of the drinking.
You will probably not be able to convince your parent to stop drinking completely but you can at least encourage more responsible drinking and try to inject some realism into their understanding of the impacts.
Make it clear what behavior you will and won't tolerate.
This is not about telling a parent what to do–about ensuring your own safety and well-being.
Say that if they keep getting drunk, you will take action (such as getting in help, leaving to stay with someone else, etc.).
Encourage your parent to talk about possible reasons for the depression that fuels it.
Showing compassion is not the same thing as tolerating or enabling your parent.
You can encourage seeking therapy for the depression but don't be discouraged or surprised if your parent refuses to entertain this idea–it's fairly confronting as it requires taking responsibility.
Ask your parent to take a gradual approach to reducing their reliance on alcohol.
It won't work asking them to stop drinking all at once but you can tell them to at least decrease the amount of drinking day by day or week by week. , A heated argument with a drunk parent is one you will rarely win and it will make the drinker clam up in any future talks.
There is a risk of you getting physically hurt, too.
In addition, your parent may not even remember the argument the next day, though she or he might remember that they were mad at you.
Avoid sounding as if you're accusing or nagging.
Remember that as your parent, they will feel disrespected if you try to tell them what to do.
Instead, phrase it as a request coming from their loving and concerned child. , If you tell your alcoholic parent that you will do certain things as a consequence of their drinking, stick to it.
Inconsistency will only make your parent realize that you don't mean what you say and lets them continue to pull the emotional triggers that keep you stuck in enabling their behavior.
Do not facilitate your parent's alcoholism by purchasing or obtaining alcohol for them.
Equally, don't provide money for your parent to get alcohol with.
If you've already gotten into a pattern like this, realize that while it will be hard to stop doing so, it is important to be consistent with your desire to see them sober again. , Many alcoholic parents blame their children for their alcoholism.
Even without having the finger pointed at you, it may feel like the fault is yours.
It isn't.
Your parent is the one who chooses to drink, not you.
Part of the allure of alcohol is that it does allow a person to become a bit more "Teflon-coated"–in other words, rather than taking responsibility for their life and actions, alcohol lubricates the ability to level blame at others.
You may feel resentment, especially if you've had to take over household chores. , Get a journal and write down everything you feel.
Or, if you're afraid your parent will find it, get an online journal and make it private.
Clearing your history will help minimize the chances of getting caught.
Keeping a journal may help you put your feelings into words.
Finding ways to express your feelings will help you process and deal with them, whereas bottling them up inside will simply create a pressure-cooker type situation–and when you blow, it may be spectacular.
That's not desirable.
Instead, try to deal with things in smaller, daily bits.
Looking after your feelings and yourself should be the biggest priority.
Worrying all of the time about a parent's alcoholism is ultimately draining and can leave you feeling upset, confused and embarrassed.
Exploring your feelings is an important part of acknowledging them. , For example, if you're going out somewhere, make sure you have a backup plan in case your parent gets drunk and can't (or forgets to) pick you up.
Always have backup plans, options and other people to help you out of tight spots if needed.
Being resourceful will stand you in good stead both now and in the future. , Go out with your friends often and have fun.
Joining a sports team, reading and drawing are also good activities that will help you escape when you need a break.
There is not much you can do to control your own situation at home, so staying when you can with reliable family and friends who care about you will help you feel more stable and in control of your own life. , Children of alcoholics are three to four times more likely to become alcoholics themselves.
Remember everything about your parent when drunk that you do not like and keep that in mind if you're tempted. , Never tolerate abuse or violence.
You need to get out before things escalate or continue the way they are if the abuse has been happening for a while.
Have emergency numbers ready to fast dial on your phone.
Know who to contact and where to go if you need a safe haven.
Make sure you have enough money to get you to safety, well hidden.
Do not hesitate–nobody deserves to be harmed, no matter what the relationship.
You are not being disloyal when you seek to protect yourself. , A best friend, school counselor, trusted teacher, or family member are all good choices.
They won't judge you, and they'll try to help.
And knowing there is someone who knows or understands what you're going through can be very comforting if things get rough.
It is a very good idea to tell a trusted person about your home's situation, as not only will you feel better for it, you'll also have someone "on your side".
If talking with a friend, approach them (or their parents) and tell them of the severity of your parent's drinking; bring up the topic when the time is right.
Ask if you can rely on them if you need a place to spend a night or two, should your parent get out of hand.
About the Author
Robert Sanders
Robert Sanders is an experienced writer with over 2 years of expertise in non profit. Passionate about sharing practical knowledge, Robert creates easy-to-follow guides that help readers achieve their goals.
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