How to Deal With Racist Parents
Catch the behavior in the moment., Address specific behaviors., Prepare for defensiveness., Use "I" statements., Model positive behavior.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Catch the behavior in the moment.
In any difficult confrontation, people may feel attacked if you bring up incidents from the past.
If your parents say something that comes off as racist or insensitive, talk to them about as soon as you can.
It's best to address such things in the moment but this isn't always possible.
If you're in public, for example, it might be hard to catch.
If you can't address the issue immediately, bring it up later in the day or the next day.
Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions.
If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address it immediately.
Ask them to clarify what they meant.
Focus on your parents' words and behavior rather than their character as a whole.
Never make it personal.
Saying "You're racist" will only lead to defensiveness and resentment.
Instead, try saying "that statement makes a lot of assumptions"
or "saying that lumps every person of one color together".
You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand.Let's say your parents said some racist things about your friend.
Start off by saying, "Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?" Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive.
For instance, you could say, "I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside." Then listen to your parents' viewpoint.
They most likely don't realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don't know a lot about a different culture.
This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they're coming from.
You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures.
Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements.
For instance, they could ask, "Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?" -
Step 2: Address specific behaviors.
When talking to someone about their racism, it's best to focus on specific behaviors.
While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.
Remember the difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a "What You Are" conversation.
In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you.
A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents' fundamental character based on their actions.
Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this.
Your parents will resent that you're speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand.Remember, just telling your parents they're racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy.
They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character.
Even if you're right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions., Even when talking about specific behavior, and focusing on actions over character, people in general do not take well to such conversations.
People tend to deeply personalize accusations that their words or actions were racist.If your parents do get defensive at the word "racist," then you can avoid the label and still get your point across.
Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word "racist" to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents.
Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation.Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, "I'm not racist." If your parents say this, respond by focusing on the effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person.
You might say something like, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype." There is no easy way to talk about racism.
Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable.
Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you're not surprised when you're met with resistance., In any difficult conversation, using "I" statements can be helpful.
These are statements that place focus on your emotional reaction to a situation.
This avoids coming off as if you're making an objective judgment call.
Even if you're in the right in the situation, passing judgments rarely results in resolving issues.
Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings.
It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you're speaking in terms of your own worldview.Sentences should begin with "I feel..." and go from there.
Do not use statements like, "You make me feel..." or "It makes me feel..." as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion.
You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways.
Instead of saying, "The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me" say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner.
I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset."Your parents may be more receptive to this approach.
Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings.
This is a start when it comes to addressing racism.
If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."
Oftentimes, the best way to deal with racist parents is to model good behavior for them.
Be very conscientious about how you talk about different cultures and people of different races.
Try to show your parents, rather than telling them, why embracing diversity is important.
Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective.
Avoid stereotyping. -
Step 3: Prepare for defensiveness.
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Step 4: Use "I" statements.
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Step 5: Model positive behavior.
Detailed Guide
In any difficult confrontation, people may feel attacked if you bring up incidents from the past.
If your parents say something that comes off as racist or insensitive, talk to them about as soon as you can.
It's best to address such things in the moment but this isn't always possible.
If you're in public, for example, it might be hard to catch.
If you can't address the issue immediately, bring it up later in the day or the next day.
Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions.
If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address it immediately.
Ask them to clarify what they meant.
Focus on your parents' words and behavior rather than their character as a whole.
Never make it personal.
Saying "You're racist" will only lead to defensiveness and resentment.
Instead, try saying "that statement makes a lot of assumptions"
or "saying that lumps every person of one color together".
You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand.Let's say your parents said some racist things about your friend.
Start off by saying, "Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?" Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive.
For instance, you could say, "I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside." Then listen to your parents' viewpoint.
They most likely don't realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don't know a lot about a different culture.
This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they're coming from.
You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures.
Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements.
For instance, they could ask, "Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?"
When talking to someone about their racism, it's best to focus on specific behaviors.
While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.
Remember the difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a "What You Are" conversation.
In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you.
A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents' fundamental character based on their actions.
Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this.
Your parents will resent that you're speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand.Remember, just telling your parents they're racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy.
They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character.
Even if you're right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions., Even when talking about specific behavior, and focusing on actions over character, people in general do not take well to such conversations.
People tend to deeply personalize accusations that their words or actions were racist.If your parents do get defensive at the word "racist," then you can avoid the label and still get your point across.
Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word "racist" to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents.
Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation.Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, "I'm not racist." If your parents say this, respond by focusing on the effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person.
You might say something like, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype." There is no easy way to talk about racism.
Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable.
Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you're not surprised when you're met with resistance., In any difficult conversation, using "I" statements can be helpful.
These are statements that place focus on your emotional reaction to a situation.
This avoids coming off as if you're making an objective judgment call.
Even if you're in the right in the situation, passing judgments rarely results in resolving issues.
Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings.
It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you're speaking in terms of your own worldview.Sentences should begin with "I feel..." and go from there.
Do not use statements like, "You make me feel..." or "It makes me feel..." as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion.
You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways.
Instead of saying, "The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me" say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner.
I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset."Your parents may be more receptive to this approach.
Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings.
This is a start when it comes to addressing racism.
If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."
Oftentimes, the best way to deal with racist parents is to model good behavior for them.
Be very conscientious about how you talk about different cultures and people of different races.
Try to show your parents, rather than telling them, why embracing diversity is important.
Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective.
Avoid stereotyping.
About the Author
Samantha Taylor
Creates helpful guides on hobbies to inspire and educate readers.
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