How to Help Your Children Grieve
Be honest and direct., Listen to your child’s response., Include your child in any funeral arrangements.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be honest and direct.
Tell your child as soon as you get the chance to do so.
Do not delay the news.
Sit with your child in a quiet, familiar environment.
Speak simply and directly.
Specific details are unnecessary when breaking the news, and may distract your child from the reality of the situation.Be direct.
Be explicit with the fact that someone has died.
Do not use a euphemism for death, as children often take things literally and you may confuse or frighten them.
Take care not to use words that might be misinterpreted by young children in particular.
With younger children, it may be tempting to say something along the lines of, “They went to sleep and didn’t wake up.” A euphemism such as this will diminish the child’s ability to confront and cope with the reality of traumatic experiences.Say something like, “Grandpa’s sickness got worse and he died last night.
I know we had been hoping he would recover, and we had fun visiting him in the hospital these last few days, but he’s not alive anymore.” Reassure them emotionally by telling them you love them and that you’re there for them.
Give them a hug, hold their hand, or stroke their hair.
With children who are young, make sure to dispel any worries that they had anything to do with the death.
Know that these assumptions are actually quite common, as children tend to assume they cause the things that occur around them. -
Step 2: Listen to your child’s response.
Allow a few minutes of silence if they do not immediately respond.
Your child is likely thinking about what to say and may be very confused.
They will likely struggle to come up with words.Ask your child if they have any questions.
Sometimes a child will accept what you’ve told them and not need or want to know any specific details.
Other times, children will have endless questions as they try to come to terms with what has occurred.Answer any questions honestly.
Be straightforward with the words you use and the way you frame things.
That said, Don’t include any information that might frighten or traumatize your child.
For instance, if a loved one died in a motorcycle accident, say something like, “______ crashed on their motorcycle and died from the injuries.” Do not say anything too specific about injuries or accidents.
The older the child, the greater their ability to understand the permanence of death.
Default to clarity and honesty in all your conversations about death and loss that you have with a grieving child.Though older children may have more specific questions, and wonder more intensely about how, specifically, a death occurred, you need to balance honesty with a sensitivity towards the further trauma that specific details might induce.
Let them know they can ask you questions or talk to you about what has happened whenever they want to. , This is vital to helping your child accept the loss of a loved one more fully.
It is also an important way to make your child feel included in a series of events that will significantly affect their family.
Aside from infants, this applies to children of all ages.Never prevent a child from participating in a funeral if they want to do so.
This may directly lead to feelings of confusion and rejection. .
Explain that funerals help people say goodbye to people who have died.
Tell them that there will likely be people crying at the funeral, and that it’s entirely okay if they cry as well.
Plan a specific roll for the child. (You can also ask the child what they would like to do.) Rehearse whatever roll the child will fulfill.
For example, have the child place something of their choosing in the casket.
If you are not able to do so, have a friend or family member stay with a small child during the service.
They may want to leave or need to be held at some point.
On the other hand, don’t force a child to participate or attend.
Some children may simply not be ready for the emotional intensity of a funeral service.
If a young child is uncomfortable with the idea of attending a funeral, offer some alternatives to help them achieve closure.
Mention planting a tree or releasing balloons in memory of the lost loved one, or ask if they have any ideas. -
Step 3: Include your child in any funeral arrangements.
Detailed Guide
Tell your child as soon as you get the chance to do so.
Do not delay the news.
Sit with your child in a quiet, familiar environment.
Speak simply and directly.
Specific details are unnecessary when breaking the news, and may distract your child from the reality of the situation.Be direct.
Be explicit with the fact that someone has died.
Do not use a euphemism for death, as children often take things literally and you may confuse or frighten them.
Take care not to use words that might be misinterpreted by young children in particular.
With younger children, it may be tempting to say something along the lines of, “They went to sleep and didn’t wake up.” A euphemism such as this will diminish the child’s ability to confront and cope with the reality of traumatic experiences.Say something like, “Grandpa’s sickness got worse and he died last night.
I know we had been hoping he would recover, and we had fun visiting him in the hospital these last few days, but he’s not alive anymore.” Reassure them emotionally by telling them you love them and that you’re there for them.
Give them a hug, hold their hand, or stroke their hair.
With children who are young, make sure to dispel any worries that they had anything to do with the death.
Know that these assumptions are actually quite common, as children tend to assume they cause the things that occur around them.
Allow a few minutes of silence if they do not immediately respond.
Your child is likely thinking about what to say and may be very confused.
They will likely struggle to come up with words.Ask your child if they have any questions.
Sometimes a child will accept what you’ve told them and not need or want to know any specific details.
Other times, children will have endless questions as they try to come to terms with what has occurred.Answer any questions honestly.
Be straightforward with the words you use and the way you frame things.
That said, Don’t include any information that might frighten or traumatize your child.
For instance, if a loved one died in a motorcycle accident, say something like, “______ crashed on their motorcycle and died from the injuries.” Do not say anything too specific about injuries or accidents.
The older the child, the greater their ability to understand the permanence of death.
Default to clarity and honesty in all your conversations about death and loss that you have with a grieving child.Though older children may have more specific questions, and wonder more intensely about how, specifically, a death occurred, you need to balance honesty with a sensitivity towards the further trauma that specific details might induce.
Let them know they can ask you questions or talk to you about what has happened whenever they want to. , This is vital to helping your child accept the loss of a loved one more fully.
It is also an important way to make your child feel included in a series of events that will significantly affect their family.
Aside from infants, this applies to children of all ages.Never prevent a child from participating in a funeral if they want to do so.
This may directly lead to feelings of confusion and rejection. .
Explain that funerals help people say goodbye to people who have died.
Tell them that there will likely be people crying at the funeral, and that it’s entirely okay if they cry as well.
Plan a specific roll for the child. (You can also ask the child what they would like to do.) Rehearse whatever roll the child will fulfill.
For example, have the child place something of their choosing in the casket.
If you are not able to do so, have a friend or family member stay with a small child during the service.
They may want to leave or need to be held at some point.
On the other hand, don’t force a child to participate or attend.
Some children may simply not be ready for the emotional intensity of a funeral service.
If a young child is uncomfortable with the idea of attending a funeral, offer some alternatives to help them achieve closure.
Mention planting a tree or releasing balloons in memory of the lost loved one, or ask if they have any ideas.
About the Author
Evelyn Walker
Brings years of experience writing about pet care and related subjects.
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