How to Live in Harmony in a Blended Family (as a Step Parent)
Be prepared to step into an existing family unit., Don't try to change the established rules from the start., Don't be invasive., Avoid criticizing the "ex.", Always ask your partner if you have something to do with the children., Start to make your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be prepared to step into an existing family unit.
As the stepfather (or mother), you're jumping in a "already made" entity.
The parent and one or more kids.
They have their habits, their opinions, their defaults.
The temptation is big to arrive the arms full of presents for the children.
But this is an error:
They won't love you more; they will just take advantage of you.
That is a bad start.
You are the stranger trying to buy them and take them away from the absent parent. -
Step 2: Don't try to change the established rules from the start.
You can have your opinion, but don't judge and don't criticize.
Note mentally your thoughts, but keep them locked. , The stepparent chose you, but the kids will always come first.
Be understanding.
No one ever told you it would be easy.
If you live together, be prepared to do things by yourself pretty often.
The habits will change and include you, but it could take time. , If the kids come to you and ask embarrassing questions, be prepared to never say a bad word about the absent parent.
Even if daddy is a real jerk who left wife and kids for a young and big-breasted woman, you are not allowed to criticize.
Not yet.
For any questions about your personal life, be true as much as you can be.
Kids feel and appreciate honesty.
Good points for you! , "Can I ask your son to help clear the table ?" or "May I take the kids out for an ice cream?".
Yeah, sounds overly cautious, but another point for you. They are not your kids.
Not yet.
In the same context, never decide to bring the little daddy's girl to the beauty institute or the hairdresser without the parent's approval.
Keep safe! No need to argue in a war you're sure to lose. , Being part of the tribe doesn't mean you are 100% integrated, but you can share your point of view (at your own risk and peril).
You are authorized to propose a TV program or a recreational occupation.
If you can speak to kids' stomach, you have made a big part of the way , Now you are allowed to tell the kids to clean up their rooms, but be careful with the words you use.
Don't be aggressive.
You can also, if you're asked to, help with the homework.
Once again, use caution! , As any other couple, you will fight with your partner.
This one is pretty hard, but please try never to criticize the way your companion parents.
At this point in your relationship, you have probably seen things you don't approve.
But a conflict is not the perfect timing for that.
If you disapprove something about the kids' education, try to speak quietly with your partner.
But choose the right time and place. , Don't be the bad step-parent.
Always keep the best role. , As a stepparent, never forget that you will never be 100% independent "parent" (unless you received the approval, but always be careful).
The final decision has to be made by the parent. , It sounds hard? But the life you chose isn't easy. , If you and your partner decide to add another family member, the dynamics will change yet again.
Be honest with your partner and their children about your concerns, and try to all grow together as a family unit.
Make sure you include your partner's children in any family planning you do
- sure, they can't be the ones to decide whether you have more children or not, but they can be involved.
Giving them some insight and input into the decision will help them feel more like part of the family, and will ease any concerns that you're "replacing" them with a new child.
Being in a blended family can be a joy
- it just takes some extra care and an awareness of boundaries. -
Step 3: Don't be invasive.
-
Step 4: Avoid criticizing the "ex."
-
Step 5: Always ask your partner if you have something to do with the children.
-
Step 6: Start to make your mark
-
Step 7: with care.
-
Step 8: Gradually take on a more parental role
-
Step 9: with care.
-
Step 10: Keep fights about you as a couple
-
Step 11: not the family.
-
Step 12: Always show respect and speak nicely to your partner in front of his / her children.
-
Step 13: Defer to your partner in parenting.
-
Step 14: Never cross the line of authority.
-
Step 15: Consider all sides in preparing to grow the family.
Detailed Guide
As the stepfather (or mother), you're jumping in a "already made" entity.
The parent and one or more kids.
They have their habits, their opinions, their defaults.
The temptation is big to arrive the arms full of presents for the children.
But this is an error:
They won't love you more; they will just take advantage of you.
That is a bad start.
You are the stranger trying to buy them and take them away from the absent parent.
You can have your opinion, but don't judge and don't criticize.
Note mentally your thoughts, but keep them locked. , The stepparent chose you, but the kids will always come first.
Be understanding.
No one ever told you it would be easy.
If you live together, be prepared to do things by yourself pretty often.
The habits will change and include you, but it could take time. , If the kids come to you and ask embarrassing questions, be prepared to never say a bad word about the absent parent.
Even if daddy is a real jerk who left wife and kids for a young and big-breasted woman, you are not allowed to criticize.
Not yet.
For any questions about your personal life, be true as much as you can be.
Kids feel and appreciate honesty.
Good points for you! , "Can I ask your son to help clear the table ?" or "May I take the kids out for an ice cream?".
Yeah, sounds overly cautious, but another point for you. They are not your kids.
Not yet.
In the same context, never decide to bring the little daddy's girl to the beauty institute or the hairdresser without the parent's approval.
Keep safe! No need to argue in a war you're sure to lose. , Being part of the tribe doesn't mean you are 100% integrated, but you can share your point of view (at your own risk and peril).
You are authorized to propose a TV program or a recreational occupation.
If you can speak to kids' stomach, you have made a big part of the way , Now you are allowed to tell the kids to clean up their rooms, but be careful with the words you use.
Don't be aggressive.
You can also, if you're asked to, help with the homework.
Once again, use caution! , As any other couple, you will fight with your partner.
This one is pretty hard, but please try never to criticize the way your companion parents.
At this point in your relationship, you have probably seen things you don't approve.
But a conflict is not the perfect timing for that.
If you disapprove something about the kids' education, try to speak quietly with your partner.
But choose the right time and place. , Don't be the bad step-parent.
Always keep the best role. , As a stepparent, never forget that you will never be 100% independent "parent" (unless you received the approval, but always be careful).
The final decision has to be made by the parent. , It sounds hard? But the life you chose isn't easy. , If you and your partner decide to add another family member, the dynamics will change yet again.
Be honest with your partner and their children about your concerns, and try to all grow together as a family unit.
Make sure you include your partner's children in any family planning you do
- sure, they can't be the ones to decide whether you have more children or not, but they can be involved.
Giving them some insight and input into the decision will help them feel more like part of the family, and will ease any concerns that you're "replacing" them with a new child.
Being in a blended family can be a joy
- it just takes some extra care and an awareness of boundaries.
About the Author
Douglas Simmons
Enthusiastic about teaching home improvement techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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