How to React when Your Child Comes Out As Nonbinary
React calmly and with compassion., Respect your child and their self identification., Don't interrupt your child., Give your child a hug and tell them you love them., Consider asking for time to think about this., Let them know that they don't have...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: React calmly and with compassion.
It's very likely your child is scared and stressed right now.
Try not to add to this.
If you have already reacted poorly, apologize as soon as possible; yes, that means now.
Depending on your child, it may be best to do that in person or through email.
Be sincere, and express interest and willingness to support them and learn more about their identity. -
Step 2: Respect your child and their self identification.
You may think (or even hope) that this is a phase.
Thinking this won’t make it any less real or any less deserving of respect in the present moment.
Your child will have done a lot of research and thinking prior to the decision to tell you.
Don't belittle it. , It's more than possible that they prepared a speech to give you.
Even if they haven't, they likely have a list of points they want to hit.
Let them get through them. , Let them know you love them.
If you think they wouldn't appreciate a hug, put a hand on their shoulder.
If you think they wouldn't want any physical contact, don't initiate any.
Regardless of the level of touch you choose to use, you should always tell your child that you care about them and love them, both through your face and your words.
Often, transgender and nonbinary children feel isolated from their loved ones, especially before coming out.
As the parent, one of the best things you can do is remind them that you are there to support them and that you love them no matter what. , This is not necessary, and really should only be done if you are very unsure of what you should say, or if they came out through an indirect method (a letter, an email, a Facebook post) as opposed to speaking to you.
If you choose to ask for some time to think on this, give them a specific time when you will reopen the conversation.
Otherwise it may feel like you just want to push off the topic. , They should feel free, at any time, to say "I don't want to answer that.".
Some questions you may have are deeply personal, and may make your child uncomfortable. , It shows you respect them and want to be well informed.
If you ask good questions, it can even help cultivate a feeling of safety which they may dearly want.
Some suggestions:
What pronouns do you want to use? Many nonbinary children use pronouns other than she/her/hers/herself or he/him/his/himself.
These may include they/them/theirs/themselves, ze/hir/hirs/hirself, or others.
Can you explain again what (term) means? Do you want new clothes? Where do you want to go in the near future? This may include things like:
Do you want a haircut? Do you want makeup? Do you want a binder? Chest binders are often used by transgender or nonbinary people who were assigned female at birth.
They work by flattening the chest.
Do you want breast forms? Where do you want to go long-term? Do you want any surgery? Do you want to go on hormone therapy? Do you want to change your name? What do you want me to do? Be sure not to ask this question in a threatening, condescending tone.
Use a genuinely helpful tone that expresses your desire to help and learn. , This is not the same as "conversion therapy," which is ineffective, harmful, and should be avoided at all costs. , Don't be surprised if you're the last person they come out to, but if you aren't, listen to what they want.
They may not want you to come out for them, or they may love that.
They may want to come out to certain people and not others.
They may want to come out to school but not family, or vice versa.
All this is fine and normal. , These are not optional whether or not you are mad, or they have misbehaved, or they are hard for you to get used to.
They understand that it will be hard for you to get used to; all they want is for you to try your best.
Don't mock their pronouns, either. , It's best not to make a big deal about it.
For example "This is my daughter... sorry, my son..." Messing up once in awhile is expected, sometimes it's hard to adjust to using new pronouns.
Just as long as you're trying your best your child will appreciate the effort. , If they wanted a binder, help them order one.
If they wanted makeup, help them get it. , Don't discount personal stories or blogs: in this case they can be invaluable. -
Step 3: Don't interrupt your child.
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Step 4: Give your child a hug and tell them you love them.
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Step 5: Consider asking for time to think about this.
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Step 6: Let them know that they don't have to answer your questions.
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Step 7: Ask questions honestly and calmly.
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Step 8: Offer gender therapy.
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Step 9: Ask about how they want to come out.
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Step 10: Do your best to respect their chosen pronouns and/or name.
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Step 11: If you accidentally use the wrong pronouns or name
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Step 12: just correct yourself and move on.
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Step 13: Act on what they've told you.
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Step 14: Do research of your own.
Detailed Guide
It's very likely your child is scared and stressed right now.
Try not to add to this.
If you have already reacted poorly, apologize as soon as possible; yes, that means now.
Depending on your child, it may be best to do that in person or through email.
Be sincere, and express interest and willingness to support them and learn more about their identity.
You may think (or even hope) that this is a phase.
Thinking this won’t make it any less real or any less deserving of respect in the present moment.
Your child will have done a lot of research and thinking prior to the decision to tell you.
Don't belittle it. , It's more than possible that they prepared a speech to give you.
Even if they haven't, they likely have a list of points they want to hit.
Let them get through them. , Let them know you love them.
If you think they wouldn't appreciate a hug, put a hand on their shoulder.
If you think they wouldn't want any physical contact, don't initiate any.
Regardless of the level of touch you choose to use, you should always tell your child that you care about them and love them, both through your face and your words.
Often, transgender and nonbinary children feel isolated from their loved ones, especially before coming out.
As the parent, one of the best things you can do is remind them that you are there to support them and that you love them no matter what. , This is not necessary, and really should only be done if you are very unsure of what you should say, or if they came out through an indirect method (a letter, an email, a Facebook post) as opposed to speaking to you.
If you choose to ask for some time to think on this, give them a specific time when you will reopen the conversation.
Otherwise it may feel like you just want to push off the topic. , They should feel free, at any time, to say "I don't want to answer that.".
Some questions you may have are deeply personal, and may make your child uncomfortable. , It shows you respect them and want to be well informed.
If you ask good questions, it can even help cultivate a feeling of safety which they may dearly want.
Some suggestions:
What pronouns do you want to use? Many nonbinary children use pronouns other than she/her/hers/herself or he/him/his/himself.
These may include they/them/theirs/themselves, ze/hir/hirs/hirself, or others.
Can you explain again what (term) means? Do you want new clothes? Where do you want to go in the near future? This may include things like:
Do you want a haircut? Do you want makeup? Do you want a binder? Chest binders are often used by transgender or nonbinary people who were assigned female at birth.
They work by flattening the chest.
Do you want breast forms? Where do you want to go long-term? Do you want any surgery? Do you want to go on hormone therapy? Do you want to change your name? What do you want me to do? Be sure not to ask this question in a threatening, condescending tone.
Use a genuinely helpful tone that expresses your desire to help and learn. , This is not the same as "conversion therapy," which is ineffective, harmful, and should be avoided at all costs. , Don't be surprised if you're the last person they come out to, but if you aren't, listen to what they want.
They may not want you to come out for them, or they may love that.
They may want to come out to certain people and not others.
They may want to come out to school but not family, or vice versa.
All this is fine and normal. , These are not optional whether or not you are mad, or they have misbehaved, or they are hard for you to get used to.
They understand that it will be hard for you to get used to; all they want is for you to try your best.
Don't mock their pronouns, either. , It's best not to make a big deal about it.
For example "This is my daughter... sorry, my son..." Messing up once in awhile is expected, sometimes it's hard to adjust to using new pronouns.
Just as long as you're trying your best your child will appreciate the effort. , If they wanted a binder, help them order one.
If they wanted makeup, help them get it. , Don't discount personal stories or blogs: in this case they can be invaluable.
About the Author
Gary Freeman
Specializes in breaking down complex DIY projects topics into simple steps.
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