How to Resolve Disputes Between Siblings About Elderly Parent Care
Expect the unexpected., Make sure your parents have indicated their preferences for care., Put a sibling agreement in writing., Put your parents’ well-being first., Hire a family counselor or an elder mediator.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Expect the unexpected.
Old conflicts from childhood can have a way of reappearing when you and your siblings start taking care of your parents, but it is just as likely that this major change will bring about new dynamics between you and your siblings.
Don't assume that just because you and your sister fought as children you won't be able to work together to care for your children.
Or maybe you will have some heated disagreements with the sibling you were always closest to.
A parent's illness and impending death brings about unpredictable results, and you can't know how anyone (including you) will react.
Accept your siblings for who they are, and you’ll have a better starting point for resolving conflicts and improving your relationships.You and your family are entering unchartered territory, and things may shift when your parents become ill or pass away.
How you deal with illness and death may change drastically in the time between when one parent passes and when the next passes. -
Step 2: Make sure your parents have indicated their preferences for care.
It can be practical for your parents to complete documents to indicate which of their children will hold the power of attorney and who will hold the power of guardianship if they become incapacitated.
Having these questions settled ahead of time can prevent a lot of sibling conflicts before they begin.For example, you might sit down with your parent as a part of a proactive health plan and say, "Mom, have you thought about who you would like to make decisions on your behalf if you ever become incapacitated, and what your wishes would be? I think we should talk about this early on, so that your wishes are followed in the event it ever happens." Respect your parents’ choices, even if you don’t agree with them.
If your parent asks you to fulfill a role that you don't think you could handle (for instance, if they would want you to take them off life support if they are brain dead, but your religious or moral beliefs conflict with this), then tell your parents so they can assign that role to another sibling.
Remember that no one expects these things to happen, and it may be un pleasant to talk about, but it is necessary and can save you a great deal of strife later on. , You can prevent disagreements down the line by establishing expectations and allotting tasks ahead of time.
Sit down with your siblings and decide who should be the primary caregiver, how you will handle expenses, and where your parents will live.
Put this information in a document that all of you can reference.If you can, make your sibling agreement while your parents are still in good health, not when you have emotionally-fraught decisions hanging over your family.
A mediator can help you write your sibling agreement if you and your siblings have a hard time negotiating with each other. , Remember that the most important part of elder care is keeping your parents as healthy, safe, and happy as possible.
Fighting with your siblings distracts you from this task and stresses your parents out, too.
You can’t control what your siblings do, but you can take the high road to avoid conflict as much as possible.There are some situations when you shouldn’t look the other way for the sake of preventing conflict.
If you think that one of your siblings may be coercing or stealing from an elderly parent, contact your local Adult Protective Services. , If you and your siblings cannot get along, it may be a good idea to get a third party involved.
Family counseling can help you address relationship problems and learn to cooperate better.
If counseling is not an option, an elder mediator can help you and your siblings reach agreements about your parents’ care.If your parent's have a family attorney overseeing their affairs, this individual can probably refer you to other professionals with the experience needed to help you resolve any disagreements in a peaceful manner. -
Step 3: Put a sibling agreement in writing.
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Step 4: Put your parents’ well-being first.
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Step 5: Hire a family counselor or an elder mediator.
Detailed Guide
Old conflicts from childhood can have a way of reappearing when you and your siblings start taking care of your parents, but it is just as likely that this major change will bring about new dynamics between you and your siblings.
Don't assume that just because you and your sister fought as children you won't be able to work together to care for your children.
Or maybe you will have some heated disagreements with the sibling you were always closest to.
A parent's illness and impending death brings about unpredictable results, and you can't know how anyone (including you) will react.
Accept your siblings for who they are, and you’ll have a better starting point for resolving conflicts and improving your relationships.You and your family are entering unchartered territory, and things may shift when your parents become ill or pass away.
How you deal with illness and death may change drastically in the time between when one parent passes and when the next passes.
It can be practical for your parents to complete documents to indicate which of their children will hold the power of attorney and who will hold the power of guardianship if they become incapacitated.
Having these questions settled ahead of time can prevent a lot of sibling conflicts before they begin.For example, you might sit down with your parent as a part of a proactive health plan and say, "Mom, have you thought about who you would like to make decisions on your behalf if you ever become incapacitated, and what your wishes would be? I think we should talk about this early on, so that your wishes are followed in the event it ever happens." Respect your parents’ choices, even if you don’t agree with them.
If your parent asks you to fulfill a role that you don't think you could handle (for instance, if they would want you to take them off life support if they are brain dead, but your religious or moral beliefs conflict with this), then tell your parents so they can assign that role to another sibling.
Remember that no one expects these things to happen, and it may be un pleasant to talk about, but it is necessary and can save you a great deal of strife later on. , You can prevent disagreements down the line by establishing expectations and allotting tasks ahead of time.
Sit down with your siblings and decide who should be the primary caregiver, how you will handle expenses, and where your parents will live.
Put this information in a document that all of you can reference.If you can, make your sibling agreement while your parents are still in good health, not when you have emotionally-fraught decisions hanging over your family.
A mediator can help you write your sibling agreement if you and your siblings have a hard time negotiating with each other. , Remember that the most important part of elder care is keeping your parents as healthy, safe, and happy as possible.
Fighting with your siblings distracts you from this task and stresses your parents out, too.
You can’t control what your siblings do, but you can take the high road to avoid conflict as much as possible.There are some situations when you shouldn’t look the other way for the sake of preventing conflict.
If you think that one of your siblings may be coercing or stealing from an elderly parent, contact your local Adult Protective Services. , If you and your siblings cannot get along, it may be a good idea to get a third party involved.
Family counseling can help you address relationship problems and learn to cooperate better.
If counseling is not an option, an elder mediator can help you and your siblings reach agreements about your parents’ care.If your parent's have a family attorney overseeing their affairs, this individual can probably refer you to other professionals with the experience needed to help you resolve any disagreements in a peaceful manner.
About the Author
Melissa Lane
Brings years of experience writing about practical skills and related subjects.
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