How to Solve Parenting Conflicts
Hear what your child’s other parent thinks., Draw attention to the conflict., Express yourself without blaming., Avoid generalizations.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Hear what your child’s other parent thinks.
By listening to your child’s other parent, you can begin to understand the source of the conflict and work toward a solution.Listening requires an open mind.
Do not go into a conversation about a parenting conflict with your child’s other parent without giving them a fair hearing.
Pay attention to what they have to say.Empathize with the other parent.
Try to see things from their point of view.
Imagine yourself in their place and ask yourself how you might feel.For example, if your child’s other parent says, “I think that our child would benefit from a trip to the beach” but your child is scared of sharks, you might be opposed to the idea.
But after hearing them out, you might think to yourself, “My child’s other parent is only trying to show our child that they do not have any real reason to be afraid of sharks, since shark attacks are exceedingly rare, and the joy of swimming in the ocean will certainly outweigh any fear they might have.” If your child’s other parent has remarried, you should speak to both of them to understand their position regarding the conflict.
After hearing what your child’s other parent thinks, find out what their spouse think.
Turn to them and ask, “So, how do you feel?” -
Step 2: Draw attention to the conflict.
If you and your child’s other parent disagree about a certain policy or punishment regarding your child, they might not realize it.
For instance, if you do not allow your child to drink soda on a school night because it keeps them up too late, your child’s other parent might not know your rule or your reasoning.
If you find that they are allowing your child to drink soda on school nights, say, "I've noticed that our child doesn't sleep as well when they drink soda at night.“Inform the child’s other parent of your rule.
In the above case, you might say, “For this reason, I do not allow our child to drink soda on school nights.” Suggest that they conform to the rule.
In the above case, you might say, “Can I count on you to also keep our child from consuming soda during school nights?” If your child’s other parent has remarried, you should also address their spouse when describing the conflict and making your request.
If they cannot be present when you draw attention to the conflict, connect with them later to address attention to the conflict, or ask your child’s other parent to do so.
Remember that you are all parenting together, and hopefully you can grow into making decisions together. , Avoid accusatory language in the form of, “You are a bad parent,” or, “You are not a good person.” Instead, focus on “I” statements like, “I feel frustrated about how different our rules are for our child,” or, “I am disappointed that our child did not complete their homework when they were staying with you over the weekend.”If your child’s other parent is your spouse, you might say, “Dear, I am worried that our child consumed too many sweets and candies while I was away on a business trip.” This will help you express your perspective while being respectful of the other person.
Accusatory language and blaming will only lead to embarrassment or frustration on the part of the other parent.
Focus on the differences between you and your child’s other parent, rather than on the fact that your way is right and their way is wrong.
Do not look at the discussion about your parenting conflict as a contest to be won.Look at it instead as an opportunity for you and your child’s other parent — or parents, if you and/or your child’s other parents have divorced and remarried — to solve a problem.
These discussions can be loaded with a lot of emotions, and should be handled delicately.
Remain respectful and try to work together with your child's wellbeing in mind, putting aside any resentments or hurt feelings you may have.
There may be a lot of disagreements early on, but be open to growing into making decisions together — all three (or four) of you.
The better you communicate, the easier it will be. , Using words like “always” and “never” or phrases like “all the time” or “every time” tend to cause you to express technically false information.
Instead, use actual examples of occasions in which the cause of the conflict was manifest.For instance, you might say, “Last Wednesday, Sally did not do her homework while in your care.
She also didn’t do her homework over the weekend.
I am concerned this is becoming a problem.
What can we do to ensure she gets her homework done in a timely manner?” Do not blame your child’s other parent if the conflict really lies with the spouse of your child’s other parent.
For instance, if you are unhappy about the fact that the spouse of your child’s other parent was responsible for taking them out to a movie with excessive violence, talk to your child’s other parent about the issue, but do not say, “You took our child to see a movie with excessive violence.” Instead, say, “I heard our child went to see a very violent movie with your spouse on Friday.” -
Step 3: Express yourself without blaming.
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Step 4: Avoid generalizations.
Detailed Guide
By listening to your child’s other parent, you can begin to understand the source of the conflict and work toward a solution.Listening requires an open mind.
Do not go into a conversation about a parenting conflict with your child’s other parent without giving them a fair hearing.
Pay attention to what they have to say.Empathize with the other parent.
Try to see things from their point of view.
Imagine yourself in their place and ask yourself how you might feel.For example, if your child’s other parent says, “I think that our child would benefit from a trip to the beach” but your child is scared of sharks, you might be opposed to the idea.
But after hearing them out, you might think to yourself, “My child’s other parent is only trying to show our child that they do not have any real reason to be afraid of sharks, since shark attacks are exceedingly rare, and the joy of swimming in the ocean will certainly outweigh any fear they might have.” If your child’s other parent has remarried, you should speak to both of them to understand their position regarding the conflict.
After hearing what your child’s other parent thinks, find out what their spouse think.
Turn to them and ask, “So, how do you feel?”
If you and your child’s other parent disagree about a certain policy or punishment regarding your child, they might not realize it.
For instance, if you do not allow your child to drink soda on a school night because it keeps them up too late, your child’s other parent might not know your rule or your reasoning.
If you find that they are allowing your child to drink soda on school nights, say, "I've noticed that our child doesn't sleep as well when they drink soda at night.“Inform the child’s other parent of your rule.
In the above case, you might say, “For this reason, I do not allow our child to drink soda on school nights.” Suggest that they conform to the rule.
In the above case, you might say, “Can I count on you to also keep our child from consuming soda during school nights?” If your child’s other parent has remarried, you should also address their spouse when describing the conflict and making your request.
If they cannot be present when you draw attention to the conflict, connect with them later to address attention to the conflict, or ask your child’s other parent to do so.
Remember that you are all parenting together, and hopefully you can grow into making decisions together. , Avoid accusatory language in the form of, “You are a bad parent,” or, “You are not a good person.” Instead, focus on “I” statements like, “I feel frustrated about how different our rules are for our child,” or, “I am disappointed that our child did not complete their homework when they were staying with you over the weekend.”If your child’s other parent is your spouse, you might say, “Dear, I am worried that our child consumed too many sweets and candies while I was away on a business trip.” This will help you express your perspective while being respectful of the other person.
Accusatory language and blaming will only lead to embarrassment or frustration on the part of the other parent.
Focus on the differences between you and your child’s other parent, rather than on the fact that your way is right and their way is wrong.
Do not look at the discussion about your parenting conflict as a contest to be won.Look at it instead as an opportunity for you and your child’s other parent — or parents, if you and/or your child’s other parents have divorced and remarried — to solve a problem.
These discussions can be loaded with a lot of emotions, and should be handled delicately.
Remain respectful and try to work together with your child's wellbeing in mind, putting aside any resentments or hurt feelings you may have.
There may be a lot of disagreements early on, but be open to growing into making decisions together — all three (or four) of you.
The better you communicate, the easier it will be. , Using words like “always” and “never” or phrases like “all the time” or “every time” tend to cause you to express technically false information.
Instead, use actual examples of occasions in which the cause of the conflict was manifest.For instance, you might say, “Last Wednesday, Sally did not do her homework while in your care.
She also didn’t do her homework over the weekend.
I am concerned this is becoming a problem.
What can we do to ensure she gets her homework done in a timely manner?” Do not blame your child’s other parent if the conflict really lies with the spouse of your child’s other parent.
For instance, if you are unhappy about the fact that the spouse of your child’s other parent was responsible for taking them out to a movie with excessive violence, talk to your child’s other parent about the issue, but do not say, “You took our child to see a movie with excessive violence.” Instead, say, “I heard our child went to see a very violent movie with your spouse on Friday.”
About the Author
Lisa Turner
Creates helpful guides on lifestyle to inspire and educate readers.
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