How to Talk to Your Children About Death
Sort out your own feelings first., Find times when your child is likely to talk., Understand your child’s developmental level., Avoid euphemisms., Explain that death is permanent., Let your child know that death is inevitable., Reassure your child...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Sort out your own feelings first.
Before you talk to your child, you’ll need to take care of your own grief.
If your feelings are still too raw, you may be unable to help your child process her experience safely.
Talk to others who can help you process your own feelings of sadness to avoid overwhelming your child.If you feel uncomfortable talking about death, your child will notice this.
Try to come to the topic with a clear and open mind.
It’s okay to show sadness and emotions.
However, if your feelings about death are too raw, your child may be more upset by your feelings than the death itself. -
Step 2: Find times when your child is likely to talk.
Talk to your child in the car, before dinner, or before bedtime when she's most receptive to slowing down and having a conversation together.
Bring up the topic in a direct and straightforward manner, saying, for example, "I want to talk to you about Grandma."Let your child know that you're interested in her feelings and her thoughts.
Make sure you have your own feelings under control when you bring up the topic.
Don't bring it up at a time when you're feeling stressed, upset, or tired. , Infants and toddlers won’t be able to understand a conversation, but will react to their parents’ emotional state.
Starting at around age 3, you can talk to your child using clear, concrete language.
School-aged children should receive simple, honest explanations about what happened to cause the death.
Older children and teens may be able to understand death as well as an adult, but may have difficulty expressing their feelings about it.Be aware that children and young people grieve in a more sporadic manner than adults do.
Their feelings may veer abruptly from sadness to excitement.
Your child may be processing his feelings through his play, so be watchful and alert for any signs that he’s trying to communicate in unexpected ways.
Remember that you are the best interpreter of your child’s communication.
You’ll know whether he likes to communicate through his drawings, his play, or by having conversations. , Children are literal in their understanding of words.
Many common euphemisms for death are confusing and frightening when taken literally.
For example, don’t say the dead have “gone to sleep”, “gone to a better place,” or “passed away” as this will likely result in fear for your child.It can help some children to know that these are words that other people might use to mean death, but don’t substitute them for the word death itself.
You can show other concrete examples of death: the death of a flower, a plant, or a pet.
Use these examples to show your child the consistent facts of a death: final, inevitable, and natural. , Whether it’s the death of a person or a goldfish, your child won’t see the dead living again.
What death means primarily is that you won’t see the person (or pet) again.
It also means that the dead won’t experience any more sadness or pain, and you can reassure your child of this.Some religious explanations about afterlife can be confusing for children to sort through.
It’s likely that your child may need reminders that she won’t see the dead again.
Expect questions such as “Will ____ be there?” or when the dead will be coming back. , If your child is school-aged, she may be able to understand that death is final, but she might not know that it’s inevitable.
It will help your child if you’re able to provide simple and honest explanations for the death.Make sure your child knows that the death isn’t because of something she did or didn’t do.
Talking to your child about the cause of the death will be helpful.
The more your child knows about the reason for the death, the less likely she will be to blame herself.
If your child is too young to understand the exact cause of death, you can explain it using terms she might understand.
For example, you could explain that her body wasn’t working anymore, and couldn’t get fixed. , After all, not everyone who gets sick will die.
Remind him of a time he was sick and got better.
Make a list of all the people who he loves who are not sick, so that he’s comforted that he won’t be left alone.
This can be a good opportunity to remind him how many people care for him.Don’t be surprised if your child becomes clingier or needier at this time.
If your child is older, he may distance himself from you instead.
Don’t get angry at him, but continue to hold the same standards of behavior you expected prior to the conversation about death.
Encourage your children to express how they feel, no matter what age they are. , Children may have questions that you didn’t expect, such as “What’s it like inside a coffin?” or whether it dark and cold under the ground.
These questions aren’t intended to be disrespectful, but reflect a child’s attention towards the concrete.
Answer each question as best you can.If you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, you should say so.
If there’s a way to find out the answer through research, you and your child can engage in the research together.
Your child’s questions might be less abstract and philosophical than they first appear.
For example, a child asking about where the dead person is now might not need a lengthy explanation of the afterlife, but simply need to be reassured that the body is buried in the cemetery.Because your child is unlikely to sit and talk with you for a long time, be alert for these questions to pop up in other contexts. -
Step 3: Understand your child’s developmental level.
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Step 4: Avoid euphemisms.
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Step 5: Explain that death is permanent.
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Step 6: Let your child know that death is inevitable.
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Step 7: Reassure your child.
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Step 8: Be prepared for detailed questions.
Detailed Guide
Before you talk to your child, you’ll need to take care of your own grief.
If your feelings are still too raw, you may be unable to help your child process her experience safely.
Talk to others who can help you process your own feelings of sadness to avoid overwhelming your child.If you feel uncomfortable talking about death, your child will notice this.
Try to come to the topic with a clear and open mind.
It’s okay to show sadness and emotions.
However, if your feelings about death are too raw, your child may be more upset by your feelings than the death itself.
Talk to your child in the car, before dinner, or before bedtime when she's most receptive to slowing down and having a conversation together.
Bring up the topic in a direct and straightforward manner, saying, for example, "I want to talk to you about Grandma."Let your child know that you're interested in her feelings and her thoughts.
Make sure you have your own feelings under control when you bring up the topic.
Don't bring it up at a time when you're feeling stressed, upset, or tired. , Infants and toddlers won’t be able to understand a conversation, but will react to their parents’ emotional state.
Starting at around age 3, you can talk to your child using clear, concrete language.
School-aged children should receive simple, honest explanations about what happened to cause the death.
Older children and teens may be able to understand death as well as an adult, but may have difficulty expressing their feelings about it.Be aware that children and young people grieve in a more sporadic manner than adults do.
Their feelings may veer abruptly from sadness to excitement.
Your child may be processing his feelings through his play, so be watchful and alert for any signs that he’s trying to communicate in unexpected ways.
Remember that you are the best interpreter of your child’s communication.
You’ll know whether he likes to communicate through his drawings, his play, or by having conversations. , Children are literal in their understanding of words.
Many common euphemisms for death are confusing and frightening when taken literally.
For example, don’t say the dead have “gone to sleep”, “gone to a better place,” or “passed away” as this will likely result in fear for your child.It can help some children to know that these are words that other people might use to mean death, but don’t substitute them for the word death itself.
You can show other concrete examples of death: the death of a flower, a plant, or a pet.
Use these examples to show your child the consistent facts of a death: final, inevitable, and natural. , Whether it’s the death of a person or a goldfish, your child won’t see the dead living again.
What death means primarily is that you won’t see the person (or pet) again.
It also means that the dead won’t experience any more sadness or pain, and you can reassure your child of this.Some religious explanations about afterlife can be confusing for children to sort through.
It’s likely that your child may need reminders that she won’t see the dead again.
Expect questions such as “Will ____ be there?” or when the dead will be coming back. , If your child is school-aged, she may be able to understand that death is final, but she might not know that it’s inevitable.
It will help your child if you’re able to provide simple and honest explanations for the death.Make sure your child knows that the death isn’t because of something she did or didn’t do.
Talking to your child about the cause of the death will be helpful.
The more your child knows about the reason for the death, the less likely she will be to blame herself.
If your child is too young to understand the exact cause of death, you can explain it using terms she might understand.
For example, you could explain that her body wasn’t working anymore, and couldn’t get fixed. , After all, not everyone who gets sick will die.
Remind him of a time he was sick and got better.
Make a list of all the people who he loves who are not sick, so that he’s comforted that he won’t be left alone.
This can be a good opportunity to remind him how many people care for him.Don’t be surprised if your child becomes clingier or needier at this time.
If your child is older, he may distance himself from you instead.
Don’t get angry at him, but continue to hold the same standards of behavior you expected prior to the conversation about death.
Encourage your children to express how they feel, no matter what age they are. , Children may have questions that you didn’t expect, such as “What’s it like inside a coffin?” or whether it dark and cold under the ground.
These questions aren’t intended to be disrespectful, but reflect a child’s attention towards the concrete.
Answer each question as best you can.If you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, you should say so.
If there’s a way to find out the answer through research, you and your child can engage in the research together.
Your child’s questions might be less abstract and philosophical than they first appear.
For example, a child asking about where the dead person is now might not need a lengthy explanation of the afterlife, but simply need to be reassured that the body is buried in the cemetery.Because your child is unlikely to sit and talk with you for a long time, be alert for these questions to pop up in other contexts.
About the Author
Gloria Ward
Committed to making pet care accessible and understandable for everyone.
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