How to Talk to Your Kids About Homosexuality
Expect to have several conversations., Use an open, educational tone of voice., Keep it age-appropriate., Consider checking out educational books from the library., Discuss the letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym., Explain you can't tell for sure if...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Expect to have several conversations.
LGBT issues are complex, so you can't cram all of them into one 20-minute conversation.
You will probably have quite a few conversations over their childhood, and that's normal and okay.
If your child seems disinterested, stop talking.
They won't learn much if they've tuned you out.
You can always continue the conversation another day.
If your child is eager and full of questions, this is a sign that they need more information.
Try checking out library books, so they can learn more, and your voice can have a break. -
Step 2: Use an open
Your attitude will help shape your children's attitudes, and you can help them feel like it isn't anything to get worked up over.
Use the same tone you would to describe why you go grocery shopping every weekend, or why the sky turns red when the sun sets. , Young children might want to know why those two guys are holding hands, but wouldn't be able to handle complex issues like workplace discrimination or how sexual attraction works. , Whether it's a story about a girl who wanted to hold hands with another girl, or a drama about a teen with two dads, LGBT+ inclusive media can help normalize the idea of different orientations.
Look for age-appropriate reading or viewing material.
In general, if your child has seen straight couples do something in a story (e.g. prince and princess kissing), then they are ready to see LGB couples do it too. , It's helpful for children to know the various possibilities, so that they have words for what they see and/or experience.
Your child should know about gay and lesbian people, and also bi/pansexual people, aromantic people, asexual people, transgender people, et cetera.
Even if they turn out to be straight and cisgender, this will help them be supportive to the people they meet.
If they turn out to be LGBT+, having the vocabulary and a safe home environment can lower their risk of mental health issues and give them a much happier life. , Some men are "effeminate" and some women are "masculine" but are not gay.
Some men are "masculine" and some women are "effeminate" but are gay.
Every person is different, and orientation won't define anything other than the person's attraction.
Wearing speedos, wearing brief underwear, having a lisp, having a particular haircut, speaking in a high or low voice, hugging someone of the same gender, seeing someone of the same gender naked, taking a nude shower in a locker room, listening to show tunes, et cetera, are all examples of things that do not make someone gay.
Explain that some gay people act in "stereotypical" ways, and some do not.
Neither is better than the other; people should be themselves. , Many children and teens feel curiosity about others' bodies, including people of the same gender and different genders.
Healthy experimentation does not dictate their orientation.
One kiss, touch, dream, or sexual experience does not define orientation.
It could have been a passing curiosity, a sign about their true orientation, or anything in between.
Experimentation is normal.
Mention that a few people experience very little or no sexual curiosity.
This way, if your child turns out to be aromantic and/or asexual, they will feel like it's okay and they aren't "broken" or "bad."
Experimentation is healthy, but only when done in a safe, consensual manner.
Explain that some people just aren't ready to do certain things yet, and that this is normal and okay.
They shouldn't let pressure make them try things they don't feel ready to do, nor should they push someone who doesn't feel ready.
Explain the basics of consent.
The other person should be awake and alert (no alcohol!), willing, and an active partner.
If they look disinterested, seem unsure, or act aloof, then let it be.
Make sure that your teens know how to use protection.
If you don't want to have an awkward conversation, direct them to websites like Scarleteen, so they can teach themselves. , They might know their identity from the start—or it may be a long and difficult journey.
Explain that there is no "right" way to know who they are, and they can take as long as they need to take.
Encourage them not to pressure themselves, and to be okay with not knowing if they're confused.
If your child is adamant about their orientation, assume that it isn't a phase.
Believing them is important.
If they do turn out to be wrong, they'll need to figure it out for themselves, and they'll know that you have their back. , Make it clear that it's okay to be different, and that people of all personalities and backgrounds should be treated with compassion and acceptance.
If someone doesn't want to talk about their orientation, that's okay.
Respect their privacy.
If someone tells you what their orientation is, believe them. , You can help your children tackle the questions of their own identity, but in the end, the words they use to define themselves are their choice (and theirs alone).
Similarly, other people are the experts on their personal orientations, and your children should respect them and take their word for it.
It can be hurtful to try to guess someone else's orientation, or to not believe them when they tell you. , Your child has probably witnessed some of it, even if they don't fully understand.
Make it clear that bullying happens, it's wrong, and it's the fault of the bully for choosing to be mean (not of the victim).
Teach your child the phrase "I'm okay, they're mean." This can protect their self esteem when they are bullied, whether it's related to perceived orientation or something else.
Teach some basic intervention strategies, like asking the victim to hang out with them, or making a distraction like "accidentally" dropping all their books. , Due to discrimination, personal uncertainty, and different personalities, some people do not like to be open about their orientations.
This is their choice.
Explain to your child that each person will decide how open they want to be, and your child should follow the other person's lead.
After someone comes out, your child should ask whether this is private information.
This way, there won't be misunderstandings about whether it is okay to tell.
For example, maybe they're okay with their friend group knowing, but not their teachers.
When in doubt, a good rule is not to tell.
Make it clear that your children shouldn't reveal any of their friends' orientations unless their friends specifically told them it was okay. -
Step 3: educational tone of voice.
-
Step 4: Keep it age-appropriate.
-
Step 5: Consider checking out educational books from the library.
-
Step 6: Discuss the letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym.
-
Step 7: Explain you can't tell for sure if someone is gay by how they act or look and that a person's masculinity or femininity doesn't relate to their sexual orientation.
-
Step 8: Explain that sexual curiosity is natural.
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Step 9: Be clear about sexual safety and peer pressure.
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Step 10: Encourage your kids to take their time.
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Step 11: Encourage your child to respect others.
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Step 12: Remind them that an individual is an expert on their own orientation.
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Step 13: Be honest about bullying and discrimination.
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Step 14: Discuss the importance of privacy.
Detailed Guide
LGBT issues are complex, so you can't cram all of them into one 20-minute conversation.
You will probably have quite a few conversations over their childhood, and that's normal and okay.
If your child seems disinterested, stop talking.
They won't learn much if they've tuned you out.
You can always continue the conversation another day.
If your child is eager and full of questions, this is a sign that they need more information.
Try checking out library books, so they can learn more, and your voice can have a break.
Your attitude will help shape your children's attitudes, and you can help them feel like it isn't anything to get worked up over.
Use the same tone you would to describe why you go grocery shopping every weekend, or why the sky turns red when the sun sets. , Young children might want to know why those two guys are holding hands, but wouldn't be able to handle complex issues like workplace discrimination or how sexual attraction works. , Whether it's a story about a girl who wanted to hold hands with another girl, or a drama about a teen with two dads, LGBT+ inclusive media can help normalize the idea of different orientations.
Look for age-appropriate reading or viewing material.
In general, if your child has seen straight couples do something in a story (e.g. prince and princess kissing), then they are ready to see LGB couples do it too. , It's helpful for children to know the various possibilities, so that they have words for what they see and/or experience.
Your child should know about gay and lesbian people, and also bi/pansexual people, aromantic people, asexual people, transgender people, et cetera.
Even if they turn out to be straight and cisgender, this will help them be supportive to the people they meet.
If they turn out to be LGBT+, having the vocabulary and a safe home environment can lower their risk of mental health issues and give them a much happier life. , Some men are "effeminate" and some women are "masculine" but are not gay.
Some men are "masculine" and some women are "effeminate" but are gay.
Every person is different, and orientation won't define anything other than the person's attraction.
Wearing speedos, wearing brief underwear, having a lisp, having a particular haircut, speaking in a high or low voice, hugging someone of the same gender, seeing someone of the same gender naked, taking a nude shower in a locker room, listening to show tunes, et cetera, are all examples of things that do not make someone gay.
Explain that some gay people act in "stereotypical" ways, and some do not.
Neither is better than the other; people should be themselves. , Many children and teens feel curiosity about others' bodies, including people of the same gender and different genders.
Healthy experimentation does not dictate their orientation.
One kiss, touch, dream, or sexual experience does not define orientation.
It could have been a passing curiosity, a sign about their true orientation, or anything in between.
Experimentation is normal.
Mention that a few people experience very little or no sexual curiosity.
This way, if your child turns out to be aromantic and/or asexual, they will feel like it's okay and they aren't "broken" or "bad."
Experimentation is healthy, but only when done in a safe, consensual manner.
Explain that some people just aren't ready to do certain things yet, and that this is normal and okay.
They shouldn't let pressure make them try things they don't feel ready to do, nor should they push someone who doesn't feel ready.
Explain the basics of consent.
The other person should be awake and alert (no alcohol!), willing, and an active partner.
If they look disinterested, seem unsure, or act aloof, then let it be.
Make sure that your teens know how to use protection.
If you don't want to have an awkward conversation, direct them to websites like Scarleteen, so they can teach themselves. , They might know their identity from the start—or it may be a long and difficult journey.
Explain that there is no "right" way to know who they are, and they can take as long as they need to take.
Encourage them not to pressure themselves, and to be okay with not knowing if they're confused.
If your child is adamant about their orientation, assume that it isn't a phase.
Believing them is important.
If they do turn out to be wrong, they'll need to figure it out for themselves, and they'll know that you have their back. , Make it clear that it's okay to be different, and that people of all personalities and backgrounds should be treated with compassion and acceptance.
If someone doesn't want to talk about their orientation, that's okay.
Respect their privacy.
If someone tells you what their orientation is, believe them. , You can help your children tackle the questions of their own identity, but in the end, the words they use to define themselves are their choice (and theirs alone).
Similarly, other people are the experts on their personal orientations, and your children should respect them and take their word for it.
It can be hurtful to try to guess someone else's orientation, or to not believe them when they tell you. , Your child has probably witnessed some of it, even if they don't fully understand.
Make it clear that bullying happens, it's wrong, and it's the fault of the bully for choosing to be mean (not of the victim).
Teach your child the phrase "I'm okay, they're mean." This can protect their self esteem when they are bullied, whether it's related to perceived orientation or something else.
Teach some basic intervention strategies, like asking the victim to hang out with them, or making a distraction like "accidentally" dropping all their books. , Due to discrimination, personal uncertainty, and different personalities, some people do not like to be open about their orientations.
This is their choice.
Explain to your child that each person will decide how open they want to be, and your child should follow the other person's lead.
After someone comes out, your child should ask whether this is private information.
This way, there won't be misunderstandings about whether it is okay to tell.
For example, maybe they're okay with their friend group knowing, but not their teachers.
When in doubt, a good rule is not to tell.
Make it clear that your children shouldn't reveal any of their friends' orientations unless their friends specifically told them it was okay.
About the Author
Patricia Chapman
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow creative arts tutorials.
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