How to Identify Your Attachment Style
Define attachment., Learn the different types of attachment., Assess your level of security in yourself and your relationships., Check for clingy behaviors., Decide if you shy away from intimacy.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Define attachment.
Attachment is the ability of one being to form emotional bonds with another.
When attachment is in its healthiest state, you can build stable and enjoyable relationships with friends and family.
However, if for some reason you have developed an insecure attachment as a result of traumatic experiences, then attachment issues may develop and make it difficult to form and keep stable relationships.
Your ability to develop a healthy attachment style is not based on a one-time learned experience.
Your attachment style is developed and molded repeatedly from many experiences and events that you are exposed to early on in your life.
For example, how the caregiver responds and nurtures you as a child, any trauma you may have witnessed, and maybe a predisposed biological, cognitive, or psychological condition may impact your ability to develop healthy attachment styles. -
Step 2: Learn the different types of attachment.
There are different types of attachment an individual may have.
Understanding the different types will help you understand yourself better, and if there are issues that may need to be addressed with the assistance of a professional.
The different types of attachment include:
Secure attachment.
The ability to have a stable and healthy relationship.
The capacity to see others in a relationship with little to no distortions.
The person with a healthy and secure attachment style is able to value the relationships he is in, and able to verbally and behaviorally express their affections.
They can freely love and receive love from others.
Dismissive attachment.
This person may appear to be standoffish, and gets uncomfortable when others attempt to show affection or a deeper connection in the relationship.
A person with this type of attachment style can seem to be dismissive of the emotional and physical needs of the other person(s) in the relationship.
This individual will also have difficulty voicing his needs and desires to others as well.
Other personality traits that may be associated with dismissive attachment are passive-aggressive and sarcastic behaviors.
They may have a fear of being dependent on the other person because they perceive this as weak.
Preoccupied attachment.
Someone with this type of attachment style is overly preoccupied with relationships and attachment.
These people will typically relive and tell their stories over and over again of their past poor relationship experiences.
They may constantly review their internal dialogue and reexperience all of their past pain and rejections signifying a lack of resolution.
Other personality traits that may be associated with this attachment style are, controlling behavior and difficulty to conforming to rules, argumentative, and impatient.
Some people may be manipulative and plan out actions to get what they want out of the relationship.
They also can exhibit a strong sense of creativity and charming qualities.
Disorganized attachment.
These individuals will often exhibit disorganized thoughts and relationship patterns.
People with disorganized attachment style may have other underlying diagnosis, such as, Borderline Personality Disorder.
These people may have had a traumatizing childhood of abuse, neglect, or frequent experiences of loss.
Caregivers, during their childhood may have been emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, or inconsistent.
They learned not to fully trust others, and develop insecurities with getting close to another person because they see themselves as unlovable and not good enough for healthy support.
Other behavioral characteristics that may be expressed with those who have disorganized attachment are, antisocial behaviors, lack of empathy and remorse, selfish and controlling, and a disregard for rules.
These individuals are at a higher risk of substance abuse or dependence, abusing others, and criminal behavior. , People with secure attachment styles have high self-esteem and are comfortable receiving and giving love.
They don’t look towards others to find value with themselves and feel comfortable with intimacy, but aren’t co-dependent.
They also stay calm in arguments and are mentally flexible.
People with secure attachments often had stable and loving upbringings.
They had their needs met and lived in a nurturing environment., Ask yourself if you are clingy in relationships and constantly worry about what others think of you.
If you look to others to complete you, want your partner to rescue you, and are in fear of rejection and abandonment, you likely have an anxious attachment type.
People with this attachment style crave intimacy and become obsessed with the details of their relationship.
They worry that the slightest changes in a relationship mean that it is going to end.
Those with anxious attachment styles grew up unsure of what kind of treatment they would receive from their parents.
Sometimes they were met with love and care, while other times they would experience insensitivity and abandonment.
As a result, they are constantly seeking the approval of others., Those with avoidant attachment styles try to detach themselves from relationships.
They are often emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from others.
They are able to turn off their feelings and become non-reactive, even during an argument.
People with avoidant attachment styles are often raised by parents who are insensitive to their children’s needs.
They themselves are emotionally withdrawn and typically discourage their children from crying or showing emotion.
They want their children to become independent as soon as possible and have little reaction when their child is upset or in need of nurturing. -
Step 3: Assess your level of security in yourself and your relationships.
-
Step 4: Check for clingy behaviors.
-
Step 5: Decide if you shy away from intimacy.
Detailed Guide
Attachment is the ability of one being to form emotional bonds with another.
When attachment is in its healthiest state, you can build stable and enjoyable relationships with friends and family.
However, if for some reason you have developed an insecure attachment as a result of traumatic experiences, then attachment issues may develop and make it difficult to form and keep stable relationships.
Your ability to develop a healthy attachment style is not based on a one-time learned experience.
Your attachment style is developed and molded repeatedly from many experiences and events that you are exposed to early on in your life.
For example, how the caregiver responds and nurtures you as a child, any trauma you may have witnessed, and maybe a predisposed biological, cognitive, or psychological condition may impact your ability to develop healthy attachment styles.
There are different types of attachment an individual may have.
Understanding the different types will help you understand yourself better, and if there are issues that may need to be addressed with the assistance of a professional.
The different types of attachment include:
Secure attachment.
The ability to have a stable and healthy relationship.
The capacity to see others in a relationship with little to no distortions.
The person with a healthy and secure attachment style is able to value the relationships he is in, and able to verbally and behaviorally express their affections.
They can freely love and receive love from others.
Dismissive attachment.
This person may appear to be standoffish, and gets uncomfortable when others attempt to show affection or a deeper connection in the relationship.
A person with this type of attachment style can seem to be dismissive of the emotional and physical needs of the other person(s) in the relationship.
This individual will also have difficulty voicing his needs and desires to others as well.
Other personality traits that may be associated with dismissive attachment are passive-aggressive and sarcastic behaviors.
They may have a fear of being dependent on the other person because they perceive this as weak.
Preoccupied attachment.
Someone with this type of attachment style is overly preoccupied with relationships and attachment.
These people will typically relive and tell their stories over and over again of their past poor relationship experiences.
They may constantly review their internal dialogue and reexperience all of their past pain and rejections signifying a lack of resolution.
Other personality traits that may be associated with this attachment style are, controlling behavior and difficulty to conforming to rules, argumentative, and impatient.
Some people may be manipulative and plan out actions to get what they want out of the relationship.
They also can exhibit a strong sense of creativity and charming qualities.
Disorganized attachment.
These individuals will often exhibit disorganized thoughts and relationship patterns.
People with disorganized attachment style may have other underlying diagnosis, such as, Borderline Personality Disorder.
These people may have had a traumatizing childhood of abuse, neglect, or frequent experiences of loss.
Caregivers, during their childhood may have been emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, or inconsistent.
They learned not to fully trust others, and develop insecurities with getting close to another person because they see themselves as unlovable and not good enough for healthy support.
Other behavioral characteristics that may be expressed with those who have disorganized attachment are, antisocial behaviors, lack of empathy and remorse, selfish and controlling, and a disregard for rules.
These individuals are at a higher risk of substance abuse or dependence, abusing others, and criminal behavior. , People with secure attachment styles have high self-esteem and are comfortable receiving and giving love.
They don’t look towards others to find value with themselves and feel comfortable with intimacy, but aren’t co-dependent.
They also stay calm in arguments and are mentally flexible.
People with secure attachments often had stable and loving upbringings.
They had their needs met and lived in a nurturing environment., Ask yourself if you are clingy in relationships and constantly worry about what others think of you.
If you look to others to complete you, want your partner to rescue you, and are in fear of rejection and abandonment, you likely have an anxious attachment type.
People with this attachment style crave intimacy and become obsessed with the details of their relationship.
They worry that the slightest changes in a relationship mean that it is going to end.
Those with anxious attachment styles grew up unsure of what kind of treatment they would receive from their parents.
Sometimes they were met with love and care, while other times they would experience insensitivity and abandonment.
As a result, they are constantly seeking the approval of others., Those with avoidant attachment styles try to detach themselves from relationships.
They are often emotionally distant and tend to withdraw from others.
They are able to turn off their feelings and become non-reactive, even during an argument.
People with avoidant attachment styles are often raised by parents who are insensitive to their children’s needs.
They themselves are emotionally withdrawn and typically discourage their children from crying or showing emotion.
They want their children to become independent as soon as possible and have little reaction when their child is upset or in need of nurturing.
About the Author
Martha Hernandez
Committed to making practical skills accessible and understandable for everyone.
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