How to Argue Effectively with a Person in a Position of Privilege
Take a moment to compose yourself., Anticipate their arguments., Prepare facts and statistics., Choose when to confront someone., Appeal to their better side to bypass any defensive behaviours., Acknowledge any ways in which they lack privilege...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Take a moment to compose yourself.
If you are moved to argue with a person of privilege, take a moment to gather your thoughts before you speak.
Process the statement or the situation and reflect quickly on what you’d like to say and how best to say it.For example, if you are at work and hear a man say something negative about a woman based on her gender rather than her behaviours, take a moment to articulate your issue with a statement and think of the best way to communicate the problem. -
Step 2: Anticipate their arguments.
Not only should you know your side, you should know the likely counterarguments that will arise from the other person.
That way, you will be prepared to rebut them.While researching your topic, try to read articles that have an opposing view to yours so you have a general idea of what counterarguments may arise.
For instance, many people in positions of privilege think reports of other people's suffering are exaggerated or distorted.
Find data that shows evidence of the suffering and the disadvantages that follow. , When you know the subject you want to discuss with someone beforehand, do ample research so you are prepared with all the facts you will need.
Try to find as many sources of news and fact as possible.If the topic contains an academic subject (such as law) research scholarly articles using Google Scholar or other sites for academic journals and books.
Always be careful to read and research using reliable news sources.
The world is full of inaccurate and unverifiable information, so make sure that the information you are using for your argument is reliable. , If the person holds a position of power over you, or could pose a safety threat, it may be dangerous to call them out.
If you could lose your job, get kicked out of your house, be physically attacked, or otherwise be harmed by disagreeing with this person, don't proceed.
Your physical and emotional safety comes first.
For example, it may not be wise to confront your boss about his privilege if you’ve been recently hired.
Any hostility you show could be interpreted as an attitude problem, and affect your long term career. , While engaging in the argument, try to uphold their character while being critical of the unwanted ideas.
People can easily take criticism of their behaviour as criticism of their character, so make it clear that you respect them as a human being.
If they have been oppressive, phrase the issue as a deviation from their usually good behaviour, rather than an attack on them.For example, if your friend has been making unfounded statements about a specific community, you could say, "You're such a fair-minded person.
I'm surprised to hear these remarks coming from you." If your neighbor puts down someone with a disadvantage, say, "I'm surprised a thoughtful person like you would disparage anyone with different challenges in life."
Even someone with every apparent advantage in life has probably struggled in some way.
If you know someone well, you can refer to this.
If you don't know them well, just assume that they know what it's like to be deprived of something that they need and base your argument on such, expressing surprise if they claim not to know.You might say, "Chris, I know you've had moments of hopelessness:
I certainly have.
Can't you see that people sometimes act out when they feel desperate?" You can also acknowledge the ways you do have privilege, as well as the ways you do not.
This doesn't mean equating every kind of privilege.
It's more a way of introducing nuance into the discussion, and letting the other person know that you see them as a whole and aren't erasing some of the complexity of their experiences. , Ask them to consider the issue from another angle.
They may come to new realizations and change their position.
Even if they don't, the questions you ask will likely stick in their minds and they may gradually change their minds in the future.If the person disparages something such as an organisation defending a select disadvantaged group and you think they are missing the point behind it, ask "Why do you think the organization felt it needed to be formed?"
Try not to directly accuse the other person of not understanding, or being too privileged to understand.
It's harder to get someone to see past their own bias if they are on the defensive.
Try to use "I" statements rather than starting sentences with "you."For instance, people in positions of privilege may become defensive if you say, "You only achieved your success due to your privileges." You can get around this by using "I" statements and rephrasing things.
For instance, talk about opportunities and access, rather than connections and privileges.
You might say, "I am saying that everyone deserves access to these opportunities that you have made so much of, but many groups of people don't have it."
Once you have had the opportunity to speak your mind and they have given their side of the argument, think about what it is they said before you respond.
If you immediately begin to respond after they have finished talking, it could come across as though you weren’t listening.
Take a moment to reflect on what they said so you can respond effectively.Do this even if they are saying everything you thought they'd say.
It is better to appear to consider the opposing argument so to prevent unhelpful defensiveness during the next exchange. , Effective arguing is not about who can yell the loudest, it’s about expressing your facts and opinions in a meaningful and convincing manner.
If you raise your voice, they will naturally want to yell back, which turns your argument into a shouting match.
Additionally, if you yell at someone they'll likely respond with defensiveness or aggressiveness, and productive dialogue will be lost.
If you start getting frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, find ways to calm yourself.Take a moment to calm down.
Try closing your eyes and taking a long, deep breath.
Try not to do this in an obnoxious way.
The person could see this as a sign of aggravation and not want to continue the conversation with you.
If the other person is speaking too quickly, ask them to slow down. "I want to understand what you're saying, and it's difficult when you speak so fast.
Would you please slow down and restate what you said?"
Say "I need some air" or "Okay, I need a break from this conversation" if it gets out of hand.
Some people aren't ready for you to talk to them.
Excuse yourself if:
They try to gaslight you (Try to make you believe your past didn't happen how you remember it).
They try to tell you or make you feel like your experiences aren't valid.
They become aggressive or threatening.
They prove that they're not willing to understand your side. ("Nothing can change my mind...") You feel like one or more of their points may be valid and you need to time to reflect and research further.
You don't feel that you can comfortably continue the discussion. , Arguing with a person in a position of privilege, especially if they are in a position of power over you, can be a tiring experience.
You don't need to do it every day, and it isn't always your job to point out someone's privilege.
This is especially important if you are surrounded by a lot of people who share an advantage you don't have. , It's normal to be upset after a difficult conversation, especially if it didn't go well.
Give yourself some time to vent, and then do something relaxing.
You might take a hot bath, meditate, or spend some quiet time with a loved one. , Reach out to others with your same experiences or those who are in the same position as you are.
This could remind you of why you wanted to have the argument in the first place.
Reach out to members of your community online.
You might write a post about the encounter in a group with other people who share your values.
Just don't get caught up in another argument! Look into the next meetup or protest for a cause you're involved in.
It can help to have group catharsis to look forward to. -
Step 3: Prepare facts and statistics.
-
Step 4: Choose when to confront someone.
-
Step 5: Appeal to their better side to bypass any defensive behaviours.
-
Step 6: Acknowledge any ways in which they lack privilege.
-
Step 7: Encourage them to expand their perspective.
-
Step 8: Avoid ad-hominem attacks.
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Step 9: Respond thoughtfully.
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Step 10: Keep your cool.
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Step 11: Recognize when it's time to quit.
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Step 12: Take some time off.
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Step 13: Release your emotions.
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Step 14: Reconnect with others.
Detailed Guide
If you are moved to argue with a person of privilege, take a moment to gather your thoughts before you speak.
Process the statement or the situation and reflect quickly on what you’d like to say and how best to say it.For example, if you are at work and hear a man say something negative about a woman based on her gender rather than her behaviours, take a moment to articulate your issue with a statement and think of the best way to communicate the problem.
Not only should you know your side, you should know the likely counterarguments that will arise from the other person.
That way, you will be prepared to rebut them.While researching your topic, try to read articles that have an opposing view to yours so you have a general idea of what counterarguments may arise.
For instance, many people in positions of privilege think reports of other people's suffering are exaggerated or distorted.
Find data that shows evidence of the suffering and the disadvantages that follow. , When you know the subject you want to discuss with someone beforehand, do ample research so you are prepared with all the facts you will need.
Try to find as many sources of news and fact as possible.If the topic contains an academic subject (such as law) research scholarly articles using Google Scholar or other sites for academic journals and books.
Always be careful to read and research using reliable news sources.
The world is full of inaccurate and unverifiable information, so make sure that the information you are using for your argument is reliable. , If the person holds a position of power over you, or could pose a safety threat, it may be dangerous to call them out.
If you could lose your job, get kicked out of your house, be physically attacked, or otherwise be harmed by disagreeing with this person, don't proceed.
Your physical and emotional safety comes first.
For example, it may not be wise to confront your boss about his privilege if you’ve been recently hired.
Any hostility you show could be interpreted as an attitude problem, and affect your long term career. , While engaging in the argument, try to uphold their character while being critical of the unwanted ideas.
People can easily take criticism of their behaviour as criticism of their character, so make it clear that you respect them as a human being.
If they have been oppressive, phrase the issue as a deviation from their usually good behaviour, rather than an attack on them.For example, if your friend has been making unfounded statements about a specific community, you could say, "You're such a fair-minded person.
I'm surprised to hear these remarks coming from you." If your neighbor puts down someone with a disadvantage, say, "I'm surprised a thoughtful person like you would disparage anyone with different challenges in life."
Even someone with every apparent advantage in life has probably struggled in some way.
If you know someone well, you can refer to this.
If you don't know them well, just assume that they know what it's like to be deprived of something that they need and base your argument on such, expressing surprise if they claim not to know.You might say, "Chris, I know you've had moments of hopelessness:
I certainly have.
Can't you see that people sometimes act out when they feel desperate?" You can also acknowledge the ways you do have privilege, as well as the ways you do not.
This doesn't mean equating every kind of privilege.
It's more a way of introducing nuance into the discussion, and letting the other person know that you see them as a whole and aren't erasing some of the complexity of their experiences. , Ask them to consider the issue from another angle.
They may come to new realizations and change their position.
Even if they don't, the questions you ask will likely stick in their minds and they may gradually change their minds in the future.If the person disparages something such as an organisation defending a select disadvantaged group and you think they are missing the point behind it, ask "Why do you think the organization felt it needed to be formed?"
Try not to directly accuse the other person of not understanding, or being too privileged to understand.
It's harder to get someone to see past their own bias if they are on the defensive.
Try to use "I" statements rather than starting sentences with "you."For instance, people in positions of privilege may become defensive if you say, "You only achieved your success due to your privileges." You can get around this by using "I" statements and rephrasing things.
For instance, talk about opportunities and access, rather than connections and privileges.
You might say, "I am saying that everyone deserves access to these opportunities that you have made so much of, but many groups of people don't have it."
Once you have had the opportunity to speak your mind and they have given their side of the argument, think about what it is they said before you respond.
If you immediately begin to respond after they have finished talking, it could come across as though you weren’t listening.
Take a moment to reflect on what they said so you can respond effectively.Do this even if they are saying everything you thought they'd say.
It is better to appear to consider the opposing argument so to prevent unhelpful defensiveness during the next exchange. , Effective arguing is not about who can yell the loudest, it’s about expressing your facts and opinions in a meaningful and convincing manner.
If you raise your voice, they will naturally want to yell back, which turns your argument into a shouting match.
Additionally, if you yell at someone they'll likely respond with defensiveness or aggressiveness, and productive dialogue will be lost.
If you start getting frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, find ways to calm yourself.Take a moment to calm down.
Try closing your eyes and taking a long, deep breath.
Try not to do this in an obnoxious way.
The person could see this as a sign of aggravation and not want to continue the conversation with you.
If the other person is speaking too quickly, ask them to slow down. "I want to understand what you're saying, and it's difficult when you speak so fast.
Would you please slow down and restate what you said?"
Say "I need some air" or "Okay, I need a break from this conversation" if it gets out of hand.
Some people aren't ready for you to talk to them.
Excuse yourself if:
They try to gaslight you (Try to make you believe your past didn't happen how you remember it).
They try to tell you or make you feel like your experiences aren't valid.
They become aggressive or threatening.
They prove that they're not willing to understand your side. ("Nothing can change my mind...") You feel like one or more of their points may be valid and you need to time to reflect and research further.
You don't feel that you can comfortably continue the discussion. , Arguing with a person in a position of privilege, especially if they are in a position of power over you, can be a tiring experience.
You don't need to do it every day, and it isn't always your job to point out someone's privilege.
This is especially important if you are surrounded by a lot of people who share an advantage you don't have. , It's normal to be upset after a difficult conversation, especially if it didn't go well.
Give yourself some time to vent, and then do something relaxing.
You might take a hot bath, meditate, or spend some quiet time with a loved one. , Reach out to others with your same experiences or those who are in the same position as you are.
This could remind you of why you wanted to have the argument in the first place.
Reach out to members of your community online.
You might write a post about the encounter in a group with other people who share your values.
Just don't get caught up in another argument! Look into the next meetup or protest for a cause you're involved in.
It can help to have group catharsis to look forward to.
About the Author
Sharon Parker
Specializes in breaking down complex crafts topics into simple steps.
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