How to Be Heard
Think about what your ideal outcome looks like., Practice assertive communication., Practice beforehand., Watch your body language., Pay attention to your linguistic style., Look for alternate avenues., Become an active listener.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think about what your ideal outcome looks like.
It can help to identify what “being heard” looks like to you, and what it means to you, before you set out to have an interaction with the person.
This way, you’ll know when you’ve been successful.
For example, if you want to be heard at work more, what does that look like to you? Does it look like you sharing more of your ideas? Making some requests you’ve been afraid to make? Something else? Setting clear, smaller goals for yourself can also help you break down a huge goal like “Be heard” into achievable steps. -
Step 2: Practice assertive communication.
Some people are afraid to communicate assertively because they worry about seeming arrogant.
However, assertive communication is about speaking up for your own ideas and needs while respecting those of others.
It’s collaborative, not cocky; direct, not demeaning.
You can practice some assertive techniques that will help you communicate more clearly with everyone:
Use “I”-statements.
These will allow you to be clear and direct without sounding blaming.
For example, if your boyfriend keeps forgetting your date nights, you could say: “I am hurt when you forget our date nights because I feel like I’m not a priority for you.” Then you can invite the other person to share feelings: “Would you like to talk about it?” or “What happened?” Say no.
It’s very hard for some people to say no, but it’s important to recognize that it isn’t “being polite” to agree to things you really don’t want to do simply for the sake of agreeing.Try asking for some time before you make a decision.You can also remind the other person of other obligations, as in “I would usually say yes to helping you, but I have had a rough week and need some time to recharge on my own.” Remember, you’ve got an obligation to yourself, too!Be as clear as possible.
Sometimes, you may not feel heard because you have not communicated clearly enough for the other person to understand.
For example, if you want your children to come home for the holidays, an indirect route might be, “Wouldn’t be nice if we could all be together for Christmas?” Your children may not interpret this as a request.
However, if you say something like, “It’s very important to me that we all be together for Christmas.
I’d like you to make an effort to come,” you have communicated your needs clearly and sincerely without being demanding or arrogant.
You can’t control what other people do with that information, but you’ve done your part.
Apologize, if appropriate--but don’t over-apologize.
Take responsibility when you slip up, and make plans to do better in the future.
However, profuse or repeated apologies can make you seem insecure.
Keep it straight, honest, and to the point. , Particularly if you are new to asserting yourself, it can be intimidating and nerve-wracking.
Make it easier on yourself by practicing the communication beforehand.
You can try it on your own, or ask a friend to role-play with you.You don’t need to memorize a speech, but practicing how you will say something (and how to respond to possible challenges) can help you feel more confident.
Particularly in the business world, confidence is crucial to being heard.Practice in front of the mirror.
Watch how you look when you speak.
Practice making eye contact with yourself as you talk.
Having doubts about yourself is okay.
But if these doubts are keeping you from speaking out when you have something important to say, then maybe you should give yourself a pep talk.
For example, if you have acne, or pimples, try using face wash specific to your skin.
Or if you feel bad about you body, try wearing figure flattering clothes.
This may not seem like much, but if you feel more confident, you'll probably act more confident.
Record yourself practicing and examine it.
How you say something can be even more influential than what you say. , Confident body language communicates that you’re in control of yourself, and that you believe you have contributions to make.
When you project confidence, others are more likely to experience you that way.When your body language is not confident, others won’t feel as interested in what you have to say
-- and research has shown you won’t feel as confident about saying it, either.Claim your space by taking as much as you need.
Don’t tuck your feet under your chair, fold your hands in your lap, or cross your legs or ankles.
Keep both feet planted firmly on the floor while sitting, and stand with your feet shoulder-width apart.
You don’t have to fill more space than you need or take it from others (that would be aggression, not assertiveness), but showing that you are a confident presence in the room will inspire others to listen to you.Keep your body open.
Don’t cross your arms in front of you or cross your legs while standing or sitting.
Don’t hold a bag in front of you, or keep your hands in your pockets.
These things suggest that you are uncomfortable or not interested in the current situation.Plant yourself where you are.
You don’t have to be rigid, but don’t shift your weight from one leg to the other or sway back and forth.
Stand comfortably with your shoulders back and your chest out.
Make eye contact.
Eye contact is crucial in communicating with others.
Maintain eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time.
Aim to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while you speak, and 70% of the time while you listen., Your linguistic style is how you say what you say.
It includes things such as tone of voice, speed, and volume, as well as pausing, word choice, and other rhetorical choices.Your linguistic style can also contribute to whether people listen to you or not.
Try not to talk too fast or too slowly.
If you speak too fast, people may not understand you, or they may perceive you as nervous.
However, if you speak too slowly, people may become impatient or perceive you as lacking confidence in your ideas.
Aim for an even, steady pace.Cultural and social differences can also play a role.
For example, someone from Texas, where it’s common to speak more slowly and take longer pauses while talking, might feel overwhelmed by the fast pace of a New Yorker’s conversation, while the New Yorker might see the slower Texas speed as uncomfortably silent.Women also tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve social rapport and relationship-building, while men tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve status and directness.
When these rituals come into contact, people from different backgrounds may misunderstand the messages behind them.Consider very distinctive speakers, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Garrison Keillor, and Barack Obama.
Although their linguistic styles are wildly different, they’re all highly effective.
They vary the volume and speed of their voices to match their points.
They pause to let important ideas sink in.
Watching a few speeches or performances from excellent speakers on YouTube can help you transfer these skills to your own life. , Not everyone is going to be a confident social butterfly, even with practice.
However, in our age of technology there are many ways to be heard.
Consider starting a blog, journaling on social media, writing letters to the editor of your local newspaper, or even writing in a private journal.
Sometimes, the most important thing is to get the words out. , One of the keys to being heard is knowing how to listen.
Not only will this help you find people who are more likely to truly listen, people who know they're being heard are more inclined to listen to you.
Here are some techniques to try:
Put away your cell phone, or iPod when you're talking with someone.
Don't look around the room.
Give the person your full attention.
Ask for clarification when necessary.
Occasionally, say things like, “Let’s see if I understood you correctly.
I heard ____.
Is that what you meant?” Saying things like this allows the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstanding without feeling attacked.
Summarize.
This means bringing together different strands of information from your conversation.
For example, at the end of a meeting, you might wrap up by saying, “So, what it sounds like we need to do is _______ and _________.
Does anyone else have anything to add?” Use encouragers.
These can be “minimal encouragers,” such as nodding and words like “uh-huh,” or questions, such as “And then what happened?” Avoid prepping your response while the other person is talking.
Listen carefully, and then offer your thoughts. -
Step 3: Practice beforehand.
-
Step 4: Watch your body language.
-
Step 5: Pay attention to your linguistic style.
-
Step 6: Look for alternate avenues.
-
Step 7: Become an active listener.
Detailed Guide
It can help to identify what “being heard” looks like to you, and what it means to you, before you set out to have an interaction with the person.
This way, you’ll know when you’ve been successful.
For example, if you want to be heard at work more, what does that look like to you? Does it look like you sharing more of your ideas? Making some requests you’ve been afraid to make? Something else? Setting clear, smaller goals for yourself can also help you break down a huge goal like “Be heard” into achievable steps.
Some people are afraid to communicate assertively because they worry about seeming arrogant.
However, assertive communication is about speaking up for your own ideas and needs while respecting those of others.
It’s collaborative, not cocky; direct, not demeaning.
You can practice some assertive techniques that will help you communicate more clearly with everyone:
Use “I”-statements.
These will allow you to be clear and direct without sounding blaming.
For example, if your boyfriend keeps forgetting your date nights, you could say: “I am hurt when you forget our date nights because I feel like I’m not a priority for you.” Then you can invite the other person to share feelings: “Would you like to talk about it?” or “What happened?” Say no.
It’s very hard for some people to say no, but it’s important to recognize that it isn’t “being polite” to agree to things you really don’t want to do simply for the sake of agreeing.Try asking for some time before you make a decision.You can also remind the other person of other obligations, as in “I would usually say yes to helping you, but I have had a rough week and need some time to recharge on my own.” Remember, you’ve got an obligation to yourself, too!Be as clear as possible.
Sometimes, you may not feel heard because you have not communicated clearly enough for the other person to understand.
For example, if you want your children to come home for the holidays, an indirect route might be, “Wouldn’t be nice if we could all be together for Christmas?” Your children may not interpret this as a request.
However, if you say something like, “It’s very important to me that we all be together for Christmas.
I’d like you to make an effort to come,” you have communicated your needs clearly and sincerely without being demanding or arrogant.
You can’t control what other people do with that information, but you’ve done your part.
Apologize, if appropriate--but don’t over-apologize.
Take responsibility when you slip up, and make plans to do better in the future.
However, profuse or repeated apologies can make you seem insecure.
Keep it straight, honest, and to the point. , Particularly if you are new to asserting yourself, it can be intimidating and nerve-wracking.
Make it easier on yourself by practicing the communication beforehand.
You can try it on your own, or ask a friend to role-play with you.You don’t need to memorize a speech, but practicing how you will say something (and how to respond to possible challenges) can help you feel more confident.
Particularly in the business world, confidence is crucial to being heard.Practice in front of the mirror.
Watch how you look when you speak.
Practice making eye contact with yourself as you talk.
Having doubts about yourself is okay.
But if these doubts are keeping you from speaking out when you have something important to say, then maybe you should give yourself a pep talk.
For example, if you have acne, or pimples, try using face wash specific to your skin.
Or if you feel bad about you body, try wearing figure flattering clothes.
This may not seem like much, but if you feel more confident, you'll probably act more confident.
Record yourself practicing and examine it.
How you say something can be even more influential than what you say. , Confident body language communicates that you’re in control of yourself, and that you believe you have contributions to make.
When you project confidence, others are more likely to experience you that way.When your body language is not confident, others won’t feel as interested in what you have to say
-- and research has shown you won’t feel as confident about saying it, either.Claim your space by taking as much as you need.
Don’t tuck your feet under your chair, fold your hands in your lap, or cross your legs or ankles.
Keep both feet planted firmly on the floor while sitting, and stand with your feet shoulder-width apart.
You don’t have to fill more space than you need or take it from others (that would be aggression, not assertiveness), but showing that you are a confident presence in the room will inspire others to listen to you.Keep your body open.
Don’t cross your arms in front of you or cross your legs while standing or sitting.
Don’t hold a bag in front of you, or keep your hands in your pockets.
These things suggest that you are uncomfortable or not interested in the current situation.Plant yourself where you are.
You don’t have to be rigid, but don’t shift your weight from one leg to the other or sway back and forth.
Stand comfortably with your shoulders back and your chest out.
Make eye contact.
Eye contact is crucial in communicating with others.
Maintain eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time.
Aim to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while you speak, and 70% of the time while you listen., Your linguistic style is how you say what you say.
It includes things such as tone of voice, speed, and volume, as well as pausing, word choice, and other rhetorical choices.Your linguistic style can also contribute to whether people listen to you or not.
Try not to talk too fast or too slowly.
If you speak too fast, people may not understand you, or they may perceive you as nervous.
However, if you speak too slowly, people may become impatient or perceive you as lacking confidence in your ideas.
Aim for an even, steady pace.Cultural and social differences can also play a role.
For example, someone from Texas, where it’s common to speak more slowly and take longer pauses while talking, might feel overwhelmed by the fast pace of a New Yorker’s conversation, while the New Yorker might see the slower Texas speed as uncomfortably silent.Women also tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve social rapport and relationship-building, while men tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve status and directness.
When these rituals come into contact, people from different backgrounds may misunderstand the messages behind them.Consider very distinctive speakers, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Garrison Keillor, and Barack Obama.
Although their linguistic styles are wildly different, they’re all highly effective.
They vary the volume and speed of their voices to match their points.
They pause to let important ideas sink in.
Watching a few speeches or performances from excellent speakers on YouTube can help you transfer these skills to your own life. , Not everyone is going to be a confident social butterfly, even with practice.
However, in our age of technology there are many ways to be heard.
Consider starting a blog, journaling on social media, writing letters to the editor of your local newspaper, or even writing in a private journal.
Sometimes, the most important thing is to get the words out. , One of the keys to being heard is knowing how to listen.
Not only will this help you find people who are more likely to truly listen, people who know they're being heard are more inclined to listen to you.
Here are some techniques to try:
Put away your cell phone, or iPod when you're talking with someone.
Don't look around the room.
Give the person your full attention.
Ask for clarification when necessary.
Occasionally, say things like, “Let’s see if I understood you correctly.
I heard ____.
Is that what you meant?” Saying things like this allows the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstanding without feeling attacked.
Summarize.
This means bringing together different strands of information from your conversation.
For example, at the end of a meeting, you might wrap up by saying, “So, what it sounds like we need to do is _______ and _________.
Does anyone else have anything to add?” Use encouragers.
These can be “minimal encouragers,” such as nodding and words like “uh-huh,” or questions, such as “And then what happened?” Avoid prepping your response while the other person is talking.
Listen carefully, and then offer your thoughts.
About the Author
Jacqueline Rivera
Brings years of experience writing about practical skills and related subjects.
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