How to Come Out As Gay or Lesbian
Realize that you're making a brave choice, and you will be much happier in the long run than if you tried to hide it., Be prepared., Choose the first person you come out to wisely., Start coming out to more casual friends as you become more...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Realize that you're making a brave choice
Nothing is more important than being positive about your sexuality.
Before expecting others to do so, Learn to accept yourself
- if you are not comfortable with the idea of being publicly gay, bisexual or lesbian, think about it thoroughly.
Not everyone is ready to let go of old prejudices, but by coming out and being a visible member of the community, you're making a difference in creating social change and acceptance.
Although others may initially feel uncomfortable or awkward with your disclosure, the happiest and most authentic life is only possible if you are open with those around you. -
Step 2: and you will be much happier in the long run than if you tried to hide it.
Consider your family, friends, coworkers, and community before opening up to any of them.
Do any of these people show homophobic feelings (remember that being opposed to homosexuality is not being considered as a homophobic behaviour)? Many religions do not condone homosexuality, and while the beliefs of others should be respected, there is no reason to tolerate religion/religious people that promote intolerance.
It may take some time for others to come to terms with it and accept it, just the same as you did.
Be reasonably sure that the first people you tell will be positive and supportive, and save coming out to other people until after you've had a little bit of practice in telling someone about it.
It may help if you talk to or come out to other people that you know are gay.
Your parents might be great about it, but they might not.
If this is the case, realise that they are from a different generation and they may believe they have your best interests at heart.
Be prepared for questions they might ask.
They might be afraid of how people will treat you, or that you'll never be able to have children
- these are all very real concerns to them, so treat them seriously.
If they are religious, you may want to find some material ahead of time to share with them that expresses a positive view.
It may help to refer them to a religious leader that reflects a positive and healthy view of lesbian and gay relationships.
If you are in a situation where you believe you could be disowned or even outlawed, wait until you are safe and independent before you decide to come out. , A close friend or relative that you trust is a brilliant start, one who you feel is likely to support you.
Discuss your sexuality with the people closest to you before making it commonly known.
It is very important that you do not ambush them! They may feel confused or even angry if you do.
Instead, tell them that you have something important to share with them, and that you have been thinking it over for a long time.
Explain that you have realised you are different from others, but until recently, didn't really connect the dots as to why.
By saying this, they will understand that you didn't keep it from them; you were simply trying to figure it out before saying anything to anyone. , Understand that it is not necessary to tell everyone at one time; everyone reacts differently, so tell each person separately at an appropriate time, when you have privacy and sufficient time to discuss it.
As before, if you are in a situation where you believe you could be disowned or even outlawed, wait until you are safe and independent before you decide to come out.
If you are comfortable with your casual acquaintances knowing, then the sooner the better.
When people know who you are from the start, they are more willing to simply accept you as you are.
It becomes harder to tell people after you've known them for a while, because they have formed an idea of who you are in their own heads without knowing properly. , You might want to tell someone during a serious face-to-face conversation, or slip it in casually to show that you have accepted it and are comfortable with the idea.
If you want to make it a determined conversation, take a deep breath and say it.
Practice it alone first if you wish, but simply say it in a direct, forthright way.
If you don't want to make a big deal out of it, try to interject it into the conversation.
The less of an issue it is to you, the more relaxed people will be when you tell them- there won't be that big overreaction you fear if you are calm when you reveal your orientation. , Depending on your environment, you may come across extremes of rejection; it is important that you are prepared for potentially difficult times.
Make sure that you are safe and ready before you take the leap.
The whole community does not need to know unless you are comfortable in being totally out, and are safe and independent enough to do so.
Unfortunately, you may be in a situation where you are dependent on someone or something that might potentially change if you come out; in a situation like this, you may need to change what it is you are dependent on before you come out.
This may mean waiting until you have a home of your own, or in an area of safety where you do not run the risk of being outlawed or disowned. , Hold your head up high and don't let anyone make you feel ashamed.
Don't apologise or allow yourself to feel ashamed of it to anyone when you tell them the truth about yourself.
Learn to not care what people say or do; allowing anyone to take a position that has you apologizing or feeling bad about your sexuality will only reinforce any negative preconceptions they have.
Instead, be positive and firm in that happy outlook so that anyone who seems disappointed or sad about it will know that you are fine and happy.
This is really important to show to those who love you
- we all have a hard time imagining that anyone could be happy doing things that we ourselves might not be interested in doing; just as people who are happy rock climbing have a hard time understanding people who are happy sleeping in a hammock on their days off, straight people have a hard time understanding how a gay person can be happy.
All you need to do is to assure them that you are. -
Step 3: Be prepared.
-
Step 4: Choose the first person you come out to wisely.
-
Step 5: Start coming out to more casual friends as you become more confident in your identity.
-
Step 6: Choose the method of coming out wisely.
-
Step 7: Be wise.
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Step 8: Be proud of who you are!
Detailed Guide
Nothing is more important than being positive about your sexuality.
Before expecting others to do so, Learn to accept yourself
- if you are not comfortable with the idea of being publicly gay, bisexual or lesbian, think about it thoroughly.
Not everyone is ready to let go of old prejudices, but by coming out and being a visible member of the community, you're making a difference in creating social change and acceptance.
Although others may initially feel uncomfortable or awkward with your disclosure, the happiest and most authentic life is only possible if you are open with those around you.
Consider your family, friends, coworkers, and community before opening up to any of them.
Do any of these people show homophobic feelings (remember that being opposed to homosexuality is not being considered as a homophobic behaviour)? Many religions do not condone homosexuality, and while the beliefs of others should be respected, there is no reason to tolerate religion/religious people that promote intolerance.
It may take some time for others to come to terms with it and accept it, just the same as you did.
Be reasonably sure that the first people you tell will be positive and supportive, and save coming out to other people until after you've had a little bit of practice in telling someone about it.
It may help if you talk to or come out to other people that you know are gay.
Your parents might be great about it, but they might not.
If this is the case, realise that they are from a different generation and they may believe they have your best interests at heart.
Be prepared for questions they might ask.
They might be afraid of how people will treat you, or that you'll never be able to have children
- these are all very real concerns to them, so treat them seriously.
If they are religious, you may want to find some material ahead of time to share with them that expresses a positive view.
It may help to refer them to a religious leader that reflects a positive and healthy view of lesbian and gay relationships.
If you are in a situation where you believe you could be disowned or even outlawed, wait until you are safe and independent before you decide to come out. , A close friend or relative that you trust is a brilliant start, one who you feel is likely to support you.
Discuss your sexuality with the people closest to you before making it commonly known.
It is very important that you do not ambush them! They may feel confused or even angry if you do.
Instead, tell them that you have something important to share with them, and that you have been thinking it over for a long time.
Explain that you have realised you are different from others, but until recently, didn't really connect the dots as to why.
By saying this, they will understand that you didn't keep it from them; you were simply trying to figure it out before saying anything to anyone. , Understand that it is not necessary to tell everyone at one time; everyone reacts differently, so tell each person separately at an appropriate time, when you have privacy and sufficient time to discuss it.
As before, if you are in a situation where you believe you could be disowned or even outlawed, wait until you are safe and independent before you decide to come out.
If you are comfortable with your casual acquaintances knowing, then the sooner the better.
When people know who you are from the start, they are more willing to simply accept you as you are.
It becomes harder to tell people after you've known them for a while, because they have formed an idea of who you are in their own heads without knowing properly. , You might want to tell someone during a serious face-to-face conversation, or slip it in casually to show that you have accepted it and are comfortable with the idea.
If you want to make it a determined conversation, take a deep breath and say it.
Practice it alone first if you wish, but simply say it in a direct, forthright way.
If you don't want to make a big deal out of it, try to interject it into the conversation.
The less of an issue it is to you, the more relaxed people will be when you tell them- there won't be that big overreaction you fear if you are calm when you reveal your orientation. , Depending on your environment, you may come across extremes of rejection; it is important that you are prepared for potentially difficult times.
Make sure that you are safe and ready before you take the leap.
The whole community does not need to know unless you are comfortable in being totally out, and are safe and independent enough to do so.
Unfortunately, you may be in a situation where you are dependent on someone or something that might potentially change if you come out; in a situation like this, you may need to change what it is you are dependent on before you come out.
This may mean waiting until you have a home of your own, or in an area of safety where you do not run the risk of being outlawed or disowned. , Hold your head up high and don't let anyone make you feel ashamed.
Don't apologise or allow yourself to feel ashamed of it to anyone when you tell them the truth about yourself.
Learn to not care what people say or do; allowing anyone to take a position that has you apologizing or feeling bad about your sexuality will only reinforce any negative preconceptions they have.
Instead, be positive and firm in that happy outlook so that anyone who seems disappointed or sad about it will know that you are fine and happy.
This is really important to show to those who love you
- we all have a hard time imagining that anyone could be happy doing things that we ourselves might not be interested in doing; just as people who are happy rock climbing have a hard time understanding people who are happy sleeping in a hammock on their days off, straight people have a hard time understanding how a gay person can be happy.
All you need to do is to assure them that you are.
About the Author
Nathan Miller
A passionate writer with expertise in hobbies topics. Loves sharing practical knowledge.
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