How to Connect With People
Find common ground., Give people sincere compliments., Follow up about something the person mentioned before., Make other people comfortable., Open up., Thank people., Make an effort to continue your relationships., Be present.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Find common ground.
This can feel like a daunting task when you don’t know very much about the person you’re talking to, but finding common ground is easier than you think.
Just be on the lookout for things that the person says during the course of a casual conversation to see if it can lead to some common ground, such as a favorite sports team, band, or even the fact that you and the person both have five siblings.
The key here is to really listen to people and to see if you can spot something that can help you bond.
You don’t need to ask the person fifty questions to find common ground, either; let it come up naturally during the course of a conversation.
You may think that you and the person you’re talking to have nothing in common, but just one or two things that you can talk about can really help you connect.
It can be a favorite obscure author, the fact that you both randomly grew up ten miles from each other, or the fact that you both speak Japanese.
Don’t get discouraged if you feel like the two of you couldn’t be more different, at first. -
Step 2: Give people sincere compliments.
One way to connect with people socially is to give them sincere compliments.
This means that you should find something about them that is truly admirable and make them feel good about themselves without overdoing it too much.
You don’t want to sound like you’re sucking up, but like you’re genuinely admiring them.
Just giving one good compliment per conversation will do just fine.
As long as you avoid complimenting physical attributes or overly personal subjects, you won’t be coming on too strong.
Here are some sample compliments you can give: “You’re so good at talking to new people.
How do you do it?” “Those earrings are so unique.
Where did you get them?” “I’m so impressed that you can juggle being a parent and working full-time.
I don’t think I could do that.” “I saw your tennis match yesterday.
You have a killer serve!” , This is a great trick for connecting with people you already know and care about.
If the last time you hung out with your friend, she was talking about a big job interview coming up or about a new guy she was really excited about, then you better make sure to follow up about it when you see her next, or even to text her asking how it’s going.
You want people to feel like you actually care about what they tell you and that you remember it even when you’re not together.
If your friend has to bring up that important thing you were talking about last time and you have to say, “Oh, right, how did that go?” then it looks like you didn’t really care that much to begin with.
Your friends need you to support and care about them, and if you want to really connect with them, then you have to ask about the important things in their lives.
This can even help you strengthen a bond with an acquaintance who may be pleasantly surprised when you ask about something he mentioned the last time. , Another way to connect with people you already know is to make them comfortable.
Just take down your guard, be friendly, compliment them, and make them feel at ease in your presence.
Don’t be judgmental about what they say, give them confused looks, or generally act like there’s something wrong with the person.
Also, don’t stand at a distance or look like you’re not really paying attention; make people feel safe and happy to be talking to you, and you’ll be able to connect with them much more easily.
Work on exuding warmth and positive energy and letting people feel like they can tell you anything and will feel safe.
If they get the feeling that you’re criticising them deep down or that you’ll share what they tell you with your five closest friends, then you won’t be able to connect with them.
If one of your friends is having a bad day, a bit of affection, whether it’s a pat on the back or a hand on her arm, can make her feel more at ease. , If you really want to connect with people, then you have to be ready to open up to them and let them see a part of who you are.
Some people aren’t able to connect with others because they are too guarded or too afraid to really be vulnerable with other people.
You don’t want people to think that you’re too closed off or too private; though you don’t have to let them know every little thing about yourself, as you get to know people, you should work on revealing some personal information so they feel that you’re more human and that they can really connect with you.
Here are some things you can talk about:
Your childhood Your relationship with your family members Past romantic relationships Your hopes for the future.
Something funny that happened to you that day A past disappointment , Another way to connect with people is to take the time to really thank them.
This makes them feel appreciated, like you’re paying attention, and like you’re aware that they’re adding value to your life.
Make sure people feel appreciated and be honest and open about how much they mean to you.
Even if you’re just thanking a coworker for giving you a helpful piece of advice or thanking your neighbor for looking after your cat, making an effort to truly show gratitude can really help you connect with people.
Don’t just say “Thanks!” or send a thank-you text.
Take the time to look the person in the eye, to say the word “thank you,” and to elaborate on why what this person did really meant so much to you.
Research also shows that thanking people will make you feel happier and will make both you and them more likely to help people in the future.
Everybody wins!, Though it may sound obvious, many people aren’t able to truly connect with people because they don’t follow up and continue their relationships with them, even if they do truly like the person.
This is either because of laziness, shyness, or because people feel like they’re too busy to hang out with too many people.
But if you really want to connect with people, then you have to be willing to put in more than half an hour’s worth of small talk.
If you feel like you’ve really connected with someone, invite that person to a low-key hangout, such as grabbing a drink or getting coffee.
Don’t be a flake.
If people invite you somewhere, then you should follow through or have a good excuse if you don’t.
If you develop a reputation for being a flake, then people won’t want to hang out with you.
Though it’s important to get alone time, if you never put yourself out there, then you won’t ever be able to build your relationships.
Make an effort to be social at least 2-3 days a week, even if it just means grabbing lunch with someone. , If you really want to connect with people, then you have to work on being present in the conversation.
If you’re already thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner or whom you’re going to talk to next, then the person you’re talking to will know and won’t like you any more for it.
Work on making eye contact, really listening to what the person is saying, avoiding your phone or people walking by, and making the person see that you’re only focused on being in the moment.
Working on being fully present in a conversation can make you feel more able to enjoy the moment you’re in and will therefore make you a better conversationalist.
You’re not likely to make a good first impression if you’re too worried about the interview you have coming up to say anything worth repeating. -
Step 3: Follow up about something the person mentioned before.
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Step 4: Make other people comfortable.
-
Step 5: Open up.
-
Step 6: Thank people.
-
Step 7: Make an effort to continue your relationships.
-
Step 8: Be present.
Detailed Guide
This can feel like a daunting task when you don’t know very much about the person you’re talking to, but finding common ground is easier than you think.
Just be on the lookout for things that the person says during the course of a casual conversation to see if it can lead to some common ground, such as a favorite sports team, band, or even the fact that you and the person both have five siblings.
The key here is to really listen to people and to see if you can spot something that can help you bond.
You don’t need to ask the person fifty questions to find common ground, either; let it come up naturally during the course of a conversation.
You may think that you and the person you’re talking to have nothing in common, but just one or two things that you can talk about can really help you connect.
It can be a favorite obscure author, the fact that you both randomly grew up ten miles from each other, or the fact that you both speak Japanese.
Don’t get discouraged if you feel like the two of you couldn’t be more different, at first.
One way to connect with people socially is to give them sincere compliments.
This means that you should find something about them that is truly admirable and make them feel good about themselves without overdoing it too much.
You don’t want to sound like you’re sucking up, but like you’re genuinely admiring them.
Just giving one good compliment per conversation will do just fine.
As long as you avoid complimenting physical attributes or overly personal subjects, you won’t be coming on too strong.
Here are some sample compliments you can give: “You’re so good at talking to new people.
How do you do it?” “Those earrings are so unique.
Where did you get them?” “I’m so impressed that you can juggle being a parent and working full-time.
I don’t think I could do that.” “I saw your tennis match yesterday.
You have a killer serve!” , This is a great trick for connecting with people you already know and care about.
If the last time you hung out with your friend, she was talking about a big job interview coming up or about a new guy she was really excited about, then you better make sure to follow up about it when you see her next, or even to text her asking how it’s going.
You want people to feel like you actually care about what they tell you and that you remember it even when you’re not together.
If your friend has to bring up that important thing you were talking about last time and you have to say, “Oh, right, how did that go?” then it looks like you didn’t really care that much to begin with.
Your friends need you to support and care about them, and if you want to really connect with them, then you have to ask about the important things in their lives.
This can even help you strengthen a bond with an acquaintance who may be pleasantly surprised when you ask about something he mentioned the last time. , Another way to connect with people you already know is to make them comfortable.
Just take down your guard, be friendly, compliment them, and make them feel at ease in your presence.
Don’t be judgmental about what they say, give them confused looks, or generally act like there’s something wrong with the person.
Also, don’t stand at a distance or look like you’re not really paying attention; make people feel safe and happy to be talking to you, and you’ll be able to connect with them much more easily.
Work on exuding warmth and positive energy and letting people feel like they can tell you anything and will feel safe.
If they get the feeling that you’re criticising them deep down or that you’ll share what they tell you with your five closest friends, then you won’t be able to connect with them.
If one of your friends is having a bad day, a bit of affection, whether it’s a pat on the back or a hand on her arm, can make her feel more at ease. , If you really want to connect with people, then you have to be ready to open up to them and let them see a part of who you are.
Some people aren’t able to connect with others because they are too guarded or too afraid to really be vulnerable with other people.
You don’t want people to think that you’re too closed off or too private; though you don’t have to let them know every little thing about yourself, as you get to know people, you should work on revealing some personal information so they feel that you’re more human and that they can really connect with you.
Here are some things you can talk about:
Your childhood Your relationship with your family members Past romantic relationships Your hopes for the future.
Something funny that happened to you that day A past disappointment , Another way to connect with people is to take the time to really thank them.
This makes them feel appreciated, like you’re paying attention, and like you’re aware that they’re adding value to your life.
Make sure people feel appreciated and be honest and open about how much they mean to you.
Even if you’re just thanking a coworker for giving you a helpful piece of advice or thanking your neighbor for looking after your cat, making an effort to truly show gratitude can really help you connect with people.
Don’t just say “Thanks!” or send a thank-you text.
Take the time to look the person in the eye, to say the word “thank you,” and to elaborate on why what this person did really meant so much to you.
Research also shows that thanking people will make you feel happier and will make both you and them more likely to help people in the future.
Everybody wins!, Though it may sound obvious, many people aren’t able to truly connect with people because they don’t follow up and continue their relationships with them, even if they do truly like the person.
This is either because of laziness, shyness, or because people feel like they’re too busy to hang out with too many people.
But if you really want to connect with people, then you have to be willing to put in more than half an hour’s worth of small talk.
If you feel like you’ve really connected with someone, invite that person to a low-key hangout, such as grabbing a drink or getting coffee.
Don’t be a flake.
If people invite you somewhere, then you should follow through or have a good excuse if you don’t.
If you develop a reputation for being a flake, then people won’t want to hang out with you.
Though it’s important to get alone time, if you never put yourself out there, then you won’t ever be able to build your relationships.
Make an effort to be social at least 2-3 days a week, even if it just means grabbing lunch with someone. , If you really want to connect with people, then you have to work on being present in the conversation.
If you’re already thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner or whom you’re going to talk to next, then the person you’re talking to will know and won’t like you any more for it.
Work on making eye contact, really listening to what the person is saying, avoiding your phone or people walking by, and making the person see that you’re only focused on being in the moment.
Working on being fully present in a conversation can make you feel more able to enjoy the moment you’re in and will therefore make you a better conversationalist.
You’re not likely to make a good first impression if you’re too worried about the interview you have coming up to say anything worth repeating.
About the Author
Laura Ferguson
Writer and educator with a focus on practical practical skills knowledge.
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