How to Cope Upon Finding Out a Deceased Loved One Was Abusive

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Visit a grief counselor.

   A grief counselor is a therapist trained to help people cope with their grief.
   
   Finding out that your loved one was abusive can cause complicated emotions that might interfere with your overall well-being.
   
   A grief counselor will be able to guide you through your grief in a healthy and productive way.Your doctor or psychologist may be able to refer you to a good grief counselor.
   
   Start the conversation by being direct and honest about why you're there.
   
   You can say, "I recently discovered that someone I loved and who is now deceased had abused someone while they were alive.
   
   I'm struggling with this news." The grief counselor may ask you open-ended questions such as "How do you feel about this issue?"; or, "What is bothering you the most about this discovery?" Feel free to answer these questions honestly.Even if your loved one died a long time ago, the discovery of this news might cause a new wave of grief.
   
   Do not be afraid to seek help at any point in the grieving process.
   
   If your grief is not fading with time but, in fact, growing worse, and causing constant intrusive thoughts, numbness or detachment, or feelings of hopelessness, you may have complicated grief.
   
   Let the counselor know of these events.
2. 2

   Step 2: Confide in a trusted friend.

   It is important that you remain connected with other people while processing this news.
   
   You might find it difficult to approach your family at this point, especially if the abuser was a close relative.
   
   You should, however, have someone close to you who you can trust so that you can vent your emotions to them.You might consider a close friend, a mentor at school or work, a school or university counselor, or a religious figure such as a minister, rabbi, or imam.
   
   Consider choosing two or three people you can trust and rely on so that you are not putting all the emotional weight on a single person.
   
   You can start the conversation by asking them if they're willing to have a private conversation with you.
   
   You can say, "I recently discovered something disturbing about a family member, and I was hoping we could talk about it together." If it is difficult to start this conversation, take a deep breath.
   
   Start by laying out the facts of the situation — what happened, when it happened, and how you found out.
   
   You may then find it easier to start talking about your own feelings. , Support groups can offer advice and comfort from those who have gone through something similar.
   
   You may want to reach out to a grief or bereavement support group.If you were abused yourself by the deceased, you may even want to look for a support group for survivors of abuse.
   
   Local hospices, funeral homes, hospitals, and houses of worship often arrange grief support groups if you want to find one in your area.Grief Share and Hello Grief are online grief support websites where you can appeal to a large base of users for help during this time.
   
   You may want to contact your local Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) center to see if they offer group counseling.
   
   Try to commit to attending at least three meetings before you decide if a support group is a helpful tool for you.
   
   Many people hate the first couple of visits because they are so emotional. , If you do not have anyone you can confide in or if you are experiencing a moment of crisis, you can call crisis help hotlines.
   
   Trained advocates will answer your call and talk you through your grief.
   
   If you were abused yourself by the deceased, these hotlines can direct you towards local resources for help.
   
   You can call:
   National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (US): 1-800-656-4673 Cruse Bereavement Care (UK): 0808 808 1677 British Columbia Bereavement Hotline (Canada): 1-877-779-2223 , If other loved ones are unaware of the deceased’s abuse, you may have to make the difficult decision whether or not to tell them.
   
   This is a personal decision that you must make based on your unique situation.If the abused is a relative or family friend, you might ask them if they want others to know.
   
   Let them make the decision, and respect their response.
   
   You can say, "Is this something that you want the rest of the family to know? If so, how do you want to break the news to them?" Family can be a powerful support system, and if you usually rely on your family for emotional support, you might find it isolating to keep this secret from them.
   
   Do not feel that you need to suffer in silence.
   
   Oftentimes, siblings or cousins that you are close to can be very useful in helping you process.
   
   You might want to start the conversation by inviting them to sit down.
   
   Start by saying, "I know this might be difficult to hear, but I recently discovered something that I think we should all know." If you feel as though the secret might hurt certain members of your family — such as elderly parents or young children — you may not want to share it with them.
   
   If, for instance, the deceased person's spouse doesn't know about the abuse, consider whether telling them will be productive.
   
   There is nothing they can do now to stop the abuse, and they may obsess over whether or not their marriage was "real" or not.
3. 3

   Step 3: Join a support group.

4. 4

   Step 4: Call a help hotline.

5. 5

   Step 5: Decide if you want to tell the rest of your family and friends.

Detailed Guide

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