How to Deal with Difficult In Laws
Respect your in-law’s attachment to your spouse., Give it time., Don't expect to change them., Consider their background., Find common ground., Be gracious about grandkids.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Respect your in-law’s attachment to your spouse.
Your spouse is their little boy or girl, and always will be, no matter how grown up.
Especially if you have your own young children, think about how difficult it will be to "let them go" as adults someday.Often what appears as undue criticism from an in-law comes from a parent's protective instinct.
Many parents feel that their child’s partner has to prove that he/she is worthy.
This usually comes from a place of love, mixed with anxiety.
Empathize with their sense of loss.
They now have to share, and even cede, time with and responsibility for their offspring with you.
Losing a child is a parents' greatest fear, and while this kind of loss is not so traumatic or final, it can be difficult to accept.
The result can be overbearing or overly critical behavior. -
Step 2: Give it time.
Marriage is a big change for you and your spouse, and it is the same for your in-laws.
Everyone needs time to adjust, and some rough patches in the adjustment period should be expected.
It may take your in-laws years, not weeks, to accept you into the family fold.
Patience is your biggest ally in this process.In the ideal scenario (for your marriage, at least), you will likely be spending decades with these people, so allow some time to establish a healthy relationship. , Take the Buddhist approach of accepting things you cannot change, such as others' ways of thinking.
Don’t try to control other people’s actions and emotions, just your own.Think of your in-laws as family.
As the old saying goes, “You can’t choose your family.” You didn't choose your embarrassing Cousin Joe and can't change your annoying Aunt Sylvia, so you just have to deal with them every so often.
Likewise, having no contact with in-laws is rarely an option, so accept that there will be contact and focus on strategies to at least make it more tolerable. , Your in-laws were born and raised in a different environment than you.
They come from a different generation at very least, and possibly from a different place or different ethnic, religious, socio-economic, or political background.
Differing political, religious and social perspectives based on these dissimilar backgrounds are common and hard to ameliorate.
In many cases, it’s just better to avoid speaking about certain topics whenever possible.
Don't bring up the President if it causes a dispute, and let your father-in-law's venting on the subject go without a detailed reply.
Differing views on child-rearing is one common result of differing backgrounds.
Think about why your mother-in-law insists that children should be raised this way or that, even politely accept her advice with a "that's a good idea" even if you have no inclination to use it.
Let her feel that her perspectives and experiences are valued., No matter how different you are from your in-laws, there are surely some shared interests.
Focus on these commonalities; this small bit of ground can grow and change your relationship.
Any topic, however mundane
-- sports, gardening, complaining about taxes, etc.
-- can help to establish a bond of greater understanding.
A quick "Hey, can you believe they lost that game last night?" to change the subject from your poor job prospects, for instance, can work wonders.
One thing you surely share is a love for your spouse / their child and any children you have, so build from that starting point as needed., Parents of married adults usually want grandchildren, and are often not shy about making it known.
The pressure may build over time or begin right after the "I do's." And if and when the grandkids finally do arrive, your in-laws will probably want to see (and spoil) them as much as possible.
If you are facing indirect (or direct) questions about when you're finally going to have a kid, try saying “We’ll make sure you’re the first to know when we’re ready to start a family.”Let them feel like a priority without letting them believe they have a say in the decision.
If you do have kids, you are the parents and you have the final say
-- but be reasonable and allow a little leeway for grandparents.
As long as your authority isn't being undermined, let the little things go. -
Step 3: Don't expect to change them.
-
Step 4: Consider their background.
-
Step 5: Find common ground.
-
Step 6: Be gracious about grandkids.
Detailed Guide
Your spouse is their little boy or girl, and always will be, no matter how grown up.
Especially if you have your own young children, think about how difficult it will be to "let them go" as adults someday.Often what appears as undue criticism from an in-law comes from a parent's protective instinct.
Many parents feel that their child’s partner has to prove that he/she is worthy.
This usually comes from a place of love, mixed with anxiety.
Empathize with their sense of loss.
They now have to share, and even cede, time with and responsibility for their offspring with you.
Losing a child is a parents' greatest fear, and while this kind of loss is not so traumatic or final, it can be difficult to accept.
The result can be overbearing or overly critical behavior.
Marriage is a big change for you and your spouse, and it is the same for your in-laws.
Everyone needs time to adjust, and some rough patches in the adjustment period should be expected.
It may take your in-laws years, not weeks, to accept you into the family fold.
Patience is your biggest ally in this process.In the ideal scenario (for your marriage, at least), you will likely be spending decades with these people, so allow some time to establish a healthy relationship. , Take the Buddhist approach of accepting things you cannot change, such as others' ways of thinking.
Don’t try to control other people’s actions and emotions, just your own.Think of your in-laws as family.
As the old saying goes, “You can’t choose your family.” You didn't choose your embarrassing Cousin Joe and can't change your annoying Aunt Sylvia, so you just have to deal with them every so often.
Likewise, having no contact with in-laws is rarely an option, so accept that there will be contact and focus on strategies to at least make it more tolerable. , Your in-laws were born and raised in a different environment than you.
They come from a different generation at very least, and possibly from a different place or different ethnic, religious, socio-economic, or political background.
Differing political, religious and social perspectives based on these dissimilar backgrounds are common and hard to ameliorate.
In many cases, it’s just better to avoid speaking about certain topics whenever possible.
Don't bring up the President if it causes a dispute, and let your father-in-law's venting on the subject go without a detailed reply.
Differing views on child-rearing is one common result of differing backgrounds.
Think about why your mother-in-law insists that children should be raised this way or that, even politely accept her advice with a "that's a good idea" even if you have no inclination to use it.
Let her feel that her perspectives and experiences are valued., No matter how different you are from your in-laws, there are surely some shared interests.
Focus on these commonalities; this small bit of ground can grow and change your relationship.
Any topic, however mundane
-- sports, gardening, complaining about taxes, etc.
-- can help to establish a bond of greater understanding.
A quick "Hey, can you believe they lost that game last night?" to change the subject from your poor job prospects, for instance, can work wonders.
One thing you surely share is a love for your spouse / their child and any children you have, so build from that starting point as needed., Parents of married adults usually want grandchildren, and are often not shy about making it known.
The pressure may build over time or begin right after the "I do's." And if and when the grandkids finally do arrive, your in-laws will probably want to see (and spoil) them as much as possible.
If you are facing indirect (or direct) questions about when you're finally going to have a kid, try saying “We’ll make sure you’re the first to know when we’re ready to start a family.”Let them feel like a priority without letting them believe they have a say in the decision.
If you do have kids, you are the parents and you have the final say
-- but be reasonable and allow a little leeway for grandparents.
As long as your authority isn't being undermined, let the little things go.
About the Author
Carol Bell
Carol Bell has dedicated 10 years to mastering education and learning. As a content creator, Carol focuses on providing actionable tips and step-by-step guides.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: