How to Fight Fair
Choose an appropriate setting and time., Maintain open lines of communication., Divide the discussion into thirds., Be respectful., Remove certain words from your fighting vocabulary., Keep the discussion to the topic at hand., Take responsibility...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Choose an appropriate setting and time.
Have the discussion in a neutral location, such as the living room or the kitchen.
Avoid the bedroom or ones' office.
Have the discussion in private without other people involved such as friends, children or parents.
Avoid distractions like computers and phones, so you can each turn your attention towards the conversation at hand.
Have the discussion at a time when both partners are rested and not distracted.
Don’t worry about the adage, “Never go to bed angry.” It is usually better for both partners to be able to rest, calm down, and gain some perspective on the disagreement.Take breaks when necessary.
Fighting, even when done fairly, is exhausting, and you will both have more productive conversations when you can clear your head.
Even taking five minutes apart can make a difference. -
Step 2: Maintain open lines of communication.
Don’t let little things build up into big things.
If you are angry about something, tell your partner about it.
Keep talking through problems.
If you stop talking and give your partner the silent treatment, nothing is going to get resolved. , Spend one-third of the time talking about your own perspective, one-third of the time listening closely and intimately (holding hands or otherwise touching each other) to your partner, and one-third mutually engaging in the dialogue at hand., Do not engage in name-calling.
Even terms of endearment can be hurtful if they are used heatedly.
Don’t tell your partner how they feel or how they should act or respond.
Be respectful of their feelings and do not project your own feelings on them. , Don’t use words like “always” and “never.” An example is, “You always do this,” or “You never do that.” These words are exaggerations and only serve to alienate your partner.
Also, do not use the word “but,” as in, “I understand what you’re feeling, but…?” , Do not bring up past grievances.
Keep the conversation rooted in the immediate issue, so that you can address that first. , Admitting when you are at fault can be a huge step in reaching compromise or resolution.
Your honesty will help your partner trust you more. , You should not threaten or physically hurt your partner or their belongings.
If your anger feels like it’s starting to boil over, take a break, get some fresh air, and return to the conversation when you've calmed down. , No human is infallible, yourself included.
Your partner might make mistakes, but if you are willing to work on your problems together and having calm discussions together, you should work towards forgiveness. , If the discussion is not productive and continues to be hurtful and unresolved, you may need to bring in an objective third party.
A professionally trained mediator or counselor is preferable over a family member or close friend, who may bring their own perspective to the problem and complicate the matter further. -
Step 3: Divide the discussion into thirds.
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Step 4: Be respectful.
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Step 5: Remove certain words from your fighting vocabulary.
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Step 6: Keep the discussion to the topic at hand.
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Step 7: Take responsibility for your part in the disagreement.
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Step 8: Remain calm and do not engage in physical violence or threats.
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Step 9: Forgive your partner and yourself.
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Step 10: Engage a mediator or seek professional counseling.
Detailed Guide
Have the discussion in a neutral location, such as the living room or the kitchen.
Avoid the bedroom or ones' office.
Have the discussion in private without other people involved such as friends, children or parents.
Avoid distractions like computers and phones, so you can each turn your attention towards the conversation at hand.
Have the discussion at a time when both partners are rested and not distracted.
Don’t worry about the adage, “Never go to bed angry.” It is usually better for both partners to be able to rest, calm down, and gain some perspective on the disagreement.Take breaks when necessary.
Fighting, even when done fairly, is exhausting, and you will both have more productive conversations when you can clear your head.
Even taking five minutes apart can make a difference.
Don’t let little things build up into big things.
If you are angry about something, tell your partner about it.
Keep talking through problems.
If you stop talking and give your partner the silent treatment, nothing is going to get resolved. , Spend one-third of the time talking about your own perspective, one-third of the time listening closely and intimately (holding hands or otherwise touching each other) to your partner, and one-third mutually engaging in the dialogue at hand., Do not engage in name-calling.
Even terms of endearment can be hurtful if they are used heatedly.
Don’t tell your partner how they feel or how they should act or respond.
Be respectful of their feelings and do not project your own feelings on them. , Don’t use words like “always” and “never.” An example is, “You always do this,” or “You never do that.” These words are exaggerations and only serve to alienate your partner.
Also, do not use the word “but,” as in, “I understand what you’re feeling, but…?” , Do not bring up past grievances.
Keep the conversation rooted in the immediate issue, so that you can address that first. , Admitting when you are at fault can be a huge step in reaching compromise or resolution.
Your honesty will help your partner trust you more. , You should not threaten or physically hurt your partner or their belongings.
If your anger feels like it’s starting to boil over, take a break, get some fresh air, and return to the conversation when you've calmed down. , No human is infallible, yourself included.
Your partner might make mistakes, but if you are willing to work on your problems together and having calm discussions together, you should work towards forgiveness. , If the discussion is not productive and continues to be hurtful and unresolved, you may need to bring in an objective third party.
A professionally trained mediator or counselor is preferable over a family member or close friend, who may bring their own perspective to the problem and complicate the matter further.
About the Author
Brittany Hayes
Writer and educator with a focus on practical organization knowledge.
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