How to Give a Spanking
Start small., Calmly ask the child why they did what they did., Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions., Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all., Look at non-physical consequences, if needed., Make sure you are set...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Start small.
Don't immediately spank your child if you see them doing something you dislike.
Talk to them first, and try a nonviolent method of discipline if needed.
If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after other methods have failed.
Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies. -
Step 2: Calmly ask the child why they did what they did.
The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened.
Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one, or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all.
If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm so upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths.
Then come back. , Older children are able to self-reflect and realize why something is wrong.
Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused.
You can use nonviolent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example: "How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?" "When I didn't see you in the store, I felt really scared.
I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost." "How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?"
Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment., Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen.
Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior.Firmly say no.
Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice.
For example, "we do not throw snowballs at people's faces." Clap-growl.
For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them.
Then give a firm "no" or a stern reminder like "We are gentle with other people." Logical consequences.
Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix.
This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.) Give a choice.
Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with.
For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first." Making up.
Have the child make amends if they wronged someone.
For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her.
Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card").
Time outs.
A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old).
Removal of privileges.
For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why. , Before you announce the spanking, be 100% positive that you want to spank your child.
Spanking should be a last resort, after issuing non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding or denial of privileges.
Spanking is illegal in some regions.
Studies show that spanking does not improve behavior in the long run, and causes children to become more aggressive.
They are also more likely to suffer depression, anxiety, and substance abuse as they get older.Recognize that some people consider spanking to be abuse, especially if you hit hard.
Never hit hard or leave bruises on a child.
Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child.
Read up on alternatives to spanking., Spanking in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can be intensely embarrassing for your child.
This can generate feelings of resentment that are counter-productive to your child learning better behavior.
Especially if you spank on your child's bare bottom, privacy is important. , The child will probably be a bit angry and resentful.
They may also be a bit nervous.
This is to be expected.
You should be understanding of these reactions, but you also need to stand your ground. , Tell them it would be unwise if they attempt to block or otherwise resist the punishment.
If they are complaining or whining, tell them this will not cause a shorter spanking.
Crying, however, is very natural before, during and after the spanking, and should never be punished. , Using anything other than an open hand could be dangerous, and should be avoided.
Some parents, families, and cultures prefer bare bottom spankings even for teenagers, and some advocate spanking only over clothing.
Use your own best judgment, considering all factors: your cultural norms (and therefore embarrassment and sense of intrusion your child may feel), your child's safety (spanking on a bare bottom can allow you to see how much redness you're leaving, but it also offers less protection from the hand), your child's age and comfort/discomfort with nudity, and what they're wearing (certain items of clothing might make it hurt more or less).
While spanking may be acceptable to you as a form of punishment, you probably want to avoid it becoming a humiliating or traumatizing event; make your decisions accordingly, since you know your child and your culture the best. , These can hurt your child and be dangerous for own hands as well.
You don't want anything that will obstruct the spanking or possibly hurt your child.
Also consider taking out any items in your pockets that may make it uncomfortable for your child to lie across your lap.
Set these objects on a table or chair off to the side.
If you have decided that you will spank on the bare bottom, pull down your child's pants and underpants now, or let your child do that. , Sit down, then pull the child over your lap. , Make sure your child isn't squirming and his or her legs are locked.
Do not talk during the spanking.
Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over. , It doesn't take a lot of force to successfully discipline your child, and hitting too hard can cause injury or trauma.
Plus, the symbolism of the act is just as important as the actual pain inflicted, particularly if you decided to spank on the bare bottom.
Make sure you listen to the child's responses, to know if you are hitting too hard.
For avoiding injury to your child you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx and the kidneys of the child.
Pay attention to the reddening of your child's bottom: at the latest if both cheeks are bright red, the spanking should end.
Naturally, a spanking on the bare bottom will help you avoid accidentally spanking the genital area and obviously will help you see if both cheeks are a bright red.
If you spank in this way, pull up your child's underpants and trousers as soon the spanking is finished, or let your child do that. , Tell them that you just do it because you love them and that discipline is part of that love.
Emphasize that they can prevent future spankings by thinking about their actions and making good choices.
Never follow up a spanking with any other kind of punishment
- after the spanking should come immediate forgiveness. , This may sound odd, but when done properly a spanking can teach a child a valuable lesson that they will be glad of in the future.
Do your best to make the experience constructive. , Tell your child that you love them always no matter what. -
Step 3: Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions.
-
Step 4: Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all.
-
Step 5: Look at non-physical consequences
-
Step 6: if needed.
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Step 7: Make sure you are set on this plan.
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Step 8: Decide on the place where the spanking will be administered.
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Step 9: Once you have reached your destination and have come to a clear understanding
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Step 10: announce that the consequence of the child's actions will be a spanking.
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Step 11: Tell the child that they should remain in position.
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Step 12: Spank with an open hand
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Step 13: never a tool.
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Step 14: Remove all rings from your fingers.
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Step 15: Bend your child over your knee.
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Step 16: Relax your hand and all your limbs
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Step 17: with one firm hand on their back and one on their bottom.
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Step 18: Don't hit too hard.
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Step 19: Afterwards affirm your child.
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Step 20: Try to make the spanking a positive learning experience.
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Step 21: Provide unconditional love.
Detailed Guide
Don't immediately spank your child if you see them doing something you dislike.
Talk to them first, and try a nonviolent method of discipline if needed.
If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after other methods have failed.
Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies.
The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened.
Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one, or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all.
If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm so upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths.
Then come back. , Older children are able to self-reflect and realize why something is wrong.
Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused.
You can use nonviolent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example: "How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?" "When I didn't see you in the store, I felt really scared.
I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost." "How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?"
Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment., Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen.
Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior.Firmly say no.
Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice.
For example, "we do not throw snowballs at people's faces." Clap-growl.
For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them.
Then give a firm "no" or a stern reminder like "We are gentle with other people." Logical consequences.
Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix.
This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.) Give a choice.
Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with.
For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first." Making up.
Have the child make amends if they wronged someone.
For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her.
Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card").
Time outs.
A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old).
Removal of privileges.
For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why. , Before you announce the spanking, be 100% positive that you want to spank your child.
Spanking should be a last resort, after issuing non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding or denial of privileges.
Spanking is illegal in some regions.
Studies show that spanking does not improve behavior in the long run, and causes children to become more aggressive.
They are also more likely to suffer depression, anxiety, and substance abuse as they get older.Recognize that some people consider spanking to be abuse, especially if you hit hard.
Never hit hard or leave bruises on a child.
Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child.
Read up on alternatives to spanking., Spanking in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can be intensely embarrassing for your child.
This can generate feelings of resentment that are counter-productive to your child learning better behavior.
Especially if you spank on your child's bare bottom, privacy is important. , The child will probably be a bit angry and resentful.
They may also be a bit nervous.
This is to be expected.
You should be understanding of these reactions, but you also need to stand your ground. , Tell them it would be unwise if they attempt to block or otherwise resist the punishment.
If they are complaining or whining, tell them this will not cause a shorter spanking.
Crying, however, is very natural before, during and after the spanking, and should never be punished. , Using anything other than an open hand could be dangerous, and should be avoided.
Some parents, families, and cultures prefer bare bottom spankings even for teenagers, and some advocate spanking only over clothing.
Use your own best judgment, considering all factors: your cultural norms (and therefore embarrassment and sense of intrusion your child may feel), your child's safety (spanking on a bare bottom can allow you to see how much redness you're leaving, but it also offers less protection from the hand), your child's age and comfort/discomfort with nudity, and what they're wearing (certain items of clothing might make it hurt more or less).
While spanking may be acceptable to you as a form of punishment, you probably want to avoid it becoming a humiliating or traumatizing event; make your decisions accordingly, since you know your child and your culture the best. , These can hurt your child and be dangerous for own hands as well.
You don't want anything that will obstruct the spanking or possibly hurt your child.
Also consider taking out any items in your pockets that may make it uncomfortable for your child to lie across your lap.
Set these objects on a table or chair off to the side.
If you have decided that you will spank on the bare bottom, pull down your child's pants and underpants now, or let your child do that. , Sit down, then pull the child over your lap. , Make sure your child isn't squirming and his or her legs are locked.
Do not talk during the spanking.
Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over. , It doesn't take a lot of force to successfully discipline your child, and hitting too hard can cause injury or trauma.
Plus, the symbolism of the act is just as important as the actual pain inflicted, particularly if you decided to spank on the bare bottom.
Make sure you listen to the child's responses, to know if you are hitting too hard.
For avoiding injury to your child you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx and the kidneys of the child.
Pay attention to the reddening of your child's bottom: at the latest if both cheeks are bright red, the spanking should end.
Naturally, a spanking on the bare bottom will help you avoid accidentally spanking the genital area and obviously will help you see if both cheeks are a bright red.
If you spank in this way, pull up your child's underpants and trousers as soon the spanking is finished, or let your child do that. , Tell them that you just do it because you love them and that discipline is part of that love.
Emphasize that they can prevent future spankings by thinking about their actions and making good choices.
Never follow up a spanking with any other kind of punishment
- after the spanking should come immediate forgiveness. , This may sound odd, but when done properly a spanking can teach a child a valuable lesson that they will be glad of in the future.
Do your best to make the experience constructive. , Tell your child that you love them always no matter what.
About the Author
Deborah Smith
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in pet care and beyond.
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