How to Offer Condolences
Have the right body language., Be sincere., Don't overstep boundaries., Listen., Don't say anything too cheesy or cliched., Don't talk about yourself., Give the person a reassuring touch (depending on the situation)., Ask if there's anything you can...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Have the right body language.
To show the person that you really care, you should give him 100% of your attention.
If the person is grieving, the least you can do is make direct eye contact and face your body toward the person, showing that talking to him is your highest priority.
Keep an “open stance” – don’t fold your arms over your chest or turn your shoulders away from the person, or it’ll look like you can’t wait to leave that person.
It’s natural to feel a little uncomfortable when offering condolences, but your body language should say that you want to be there.
Put away all of your distractions.
Turn off your phone and don't play with your necklace or look around the room when you talk to the person. -
Step 2: Be sincere.
You don't have to be original to be sincere.
Just say something like, "I heard what happened to your mom.
I'm so sorry for your loss." Don't give the person fake statements or false hope; just show him that you're truly sorry that a terrible thing has happened to him.
Speak evenly and slowly.
Don't make it sound like you're trying to speak as quickly as possible to get it out of the way.
You can say, "I can't imagine what you're going through." Be honest about the fact that you're very sorry and understand that you can't fully imagine the person's grief.
If you knew and cared about the person who passed away and the timing is right, you can share a quick story or anecdote that shows how much you loved the person.
Or you can say something like, “I wish I could eat another one of her delicious meals” if the person is receptive to discussing the person who passed away. , If you don't know the person very well, you don't have to look like you're about to cry and give the person a big hug
-- unless he looks like he really needs one.
If you only have a very professional or casual relationship with the person, you shouldn't make that person uncomfortable by becoming so involved in his private business. , If the person wants to talk, let him finish.
Even if you've prepared a list of the things you want to say, remember that the person is grieving and may just want to talk to someone.
Don't try to offer advice or words of comfort
-- the best thing that you may be able to do is listen.
While you're listening, nod while the person is talking and maintain eye contact.
If you're close, keep an arm around the person or touch the person in some way to give him comfort. , Don't say that "Everything will be okay"
-- it won't.
Or that's at least how the person will be feeling.
Though you may have the best intentions, this will make the person feel like his feelings aren't valid and that his grief should not be taken seriously.
Say what you're feeling instead of what you've heard on TV or read in greeting cards.
You can acknowledge that what happened was terrible instead of sugar-coating it. , If you had a similar experience with a death, you can say, “I lost my father too.
We can talk about it if you want.” But don’t go on about your own personal loss—this will make you look more self-involved than sympathetic.
No matter what experience you had, you won’t know exactly how that person is feeling at that very moment, so don’t compare that person’s experiences directly to yours. , If you know the person well, of course you should give him a hug, put your arm around him, or at least give him a reassuring pat if you don’t know him as well.
If someone is grieving, then he may just want to be held and you can give the person more comfort this way.
Just make sure that the person does want to be touched and doesn’t shrink away—some people may feel very vulnerable after a death and don’t want to be touched at all. , After you tell the person how sorry you are, ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
You should only ask this if you really mean it and do want to help the person.
You can offer to do anything, from running small errands for the person, to sleeping over that person’s house if you’re really close.
Wait for the person to suggest something specific—this may not happen right away. -
Step 3: Don't overstep boundaries.
-
Step 4: Listen.
-
Step 5: Don't say anything too cheesy or cliched.
-
Step 6: Don't talk about yourself.
-
Step 7: Give the person a reassuring touch (depending on the situation).
-
Step 8: Ask if there's anything you can do to help.
Detailed Guide
To show the person that you really care, you should give him 100% of your attention.
If the person is grieving, the least you can do is make direct eye contact and face your body toward the person, showing that talking to him is your highest priority.
Keep an “open stance” – don’t fold your arms over your chest or turn your shoulders away from the person, or it’ll look like you can’t wait to leave that person.
It’s natural to feel a little uncomfortable when offering condolences, but your body language should say that you want to be there.
Put away all of your distractions.
Turn off your phone and don't play with your necklace or look around the room when you talk to the person.
You don't have to be original to be sincere.
Just say something like, "I heard what happened to your mom.
I'm so sorry for your loss." Don't give the person fake statements or false hope; just show him that you're truly sorry that a terrible thing has happened to him.
Speak evenly and slowly.
Don't make it sound like you're trying to speak as quickly as possible to get it out of the way.
You can say, "I can't imagine what you're going through." Be honest about the fact that you're very sorry and understand that you can't fully imagine the person's grief.
If you knew and cared about the person who passed away and the timing is right, you can share a quick story or anecdote that shows how much you loved the person.
Or you can say something like, “I wish I could eat another one of her delicious meals” if the person is receptive to discussing the person who passed away. , If you don't know the person very well, you don't have to look like you're about to cry and give the person a big hug
-- unless he looks like he really needs one.
If you only have a very professional or casual relationship with the person, you shouldn't make that person uncomfortable by becoming so involved in his private business. , If the person wants to talk, let him finish.
Even if you've prepared a list of the things you want to say, remember that the person is grieving and may just want to talk to someone.
Don't try to offer advice or words of comfort
-- the best thing that you may be able to do is listen.
While you're listening, nod while the person is talking and maintain eye contact.
If you're close, keep an arm around the person or touch the person in some way to give him comfort. , Don't say that "Everything will be okay"
-- it won't.
Or that's at least how the person will be feeling.
Though you may have the best intentions, this will make the person feel like his feelings aren't valid and that his grief should not be taken seriously.
Say what you're feeling instead of what you've heard on TV or read in greeting cards.
You can acknowledge that what happened was terrible instead of sugar-coating it. , If you had a similar experience with a death, you can say, “I lost my father too.
We can talk about it if you want.” But don’t go on about your own personal loss—this will make you look more self-involved than sympathetic.
No matter what experience you had, you won’t know exactly how that person is feeling at that very moment, so don’t compare that person’s experiences directly to yours. , If you know the person well, of course you should give him a hug, put your arm around him, or at least give him a reassuring pat if you don’t know him as well.
If someone is grieving, then he may just want to be held and you can give the person more comfort this way.
Just make sure that the person does want to be touched and doesn’t shrink away—some people may feel very vulnerable after a death and don’t want to be touched at all. , After you tell the person how sorry you are, ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
You should only ask this if you really mean it and do want to help the person.
You can offer to do anything, from running small errands for the person, to sleeping over that person’s house if you’re really close.
Wait for the person to suggest something specific—this may not happen right away.
About the Author
Charles Jordan
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in DIY projects and beyond.
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