How to Respect a Transgender Person
Be with people unconditionally, as you would be with any other person, especially where gender is a non-topic in life., Watch your past tense., Use language appropriate to the person's gender., Don't be afraid to ask questions.Some, but certainly...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be with people unconditionally
People just acknowledge gender and move on.
Respect each person as you would any person.
Understand that the moment the conversation turns to respecting someone "because of" something, is the moment we are not just being with them unconditionally as the gender they present themselves as.
If you aim to respect someone "because of" their differences, you're emphasizing a distinction and saying that we need to apply the conversation of respect to this person because of that difference; in fact, nothing is different, and we just need to be with this person, as we would any person.
Above all else, be with them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance), as you would with anyone. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise.
Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.) -
Step 2: as you would be with any other person
When talking of the past try not to use phrases like "when you were a previous gender" or "born a man/woman," because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons- or at least be aware of when you do it.
Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense.
One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance "Last year"
"When you were a child"
"When you were in high school"
etc.
If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say "before you came out"
or "Before you began transitioning" (if applicable). , Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice.
For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc.
A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc.
Other transgender people have begun using gender neutral pronouns like they, their and them.Use the name they ask you to use.
Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary.
From this point on, you do not say "This is my friend Jack, I've known him since grade school." Instead, you say, "This is my friend Mary, I've known her since grade school." Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately.
Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary's wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know; despite the fact that the transgender person is the person you used to know, you just know them better now. , Don't expect the transgender person to be your sole educator, however.
It is your responsibility to inform yourself.
Also, if a trans person doesn't feel comfortable answering your question, don't try to "force it out of them." Questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you need to know in order to provide medical care, are engaging in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation. , Do not out them without express permission.
Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. "Outing" them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them.
It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot
- or even being harmed.
They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
This advice is appropriate for those who are living full-time or those who have not transitioned yet.
For those living full-time in their proper gender role, very many will not want anyone who did not know them from before they transitioned to know them as any other than their current, i.e. proper, gender. , There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed.
The idea of being "trapped in a man/woman's body"
the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others.
Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions.
Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
Don't assume that they are transitioning because of past trauma in their lives, or that they are changing genders as a way to escape from their bodies. , Do not assume that their gender correlates with their sexuality
- it doesn't.
There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and asexual transgender people.
If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use. , While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don't particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them.
After you are well-informed, make sure you're not going overboard.
Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out.
Treat them as you would anybody else.
Be willing to listen.
Many transgender people live in small communities where sharing their experience is limited to other trans people.
Often, being able to explain and educate people about their experience is helpful to both you and them.
Don't obfuscate.
If you are finding something difficult, let them know.
An honest, straight forward response is a lot easier for them to deal with than cutting them off.
Hang out with them.
Make it "normal"
- get used to them in the way they present and sooner or later you'll find that they aren't a strange person, they are "Joe" or "Josephine." You might just find you end up with a really good friend. , Those who have begun to express a gender different from the one assigned at birth are usually undergoing a major life changing event.
Patience, understanding, and a willingness to discuss issues these changes will bring about will help them through a difficult and emotional time.
It is best to ask open ended questions that allow the person to share as much as they feel comfortable sharing.
Examples: "How are things going?"; "You looked stressed.
Care to share?"; "You look really happy.
Something good happen?"; "How can I help support you during these changes?"; "I am all ears if there are things that wish to discuss." -
Step 3: especially where gender is a non-topic in life.
-
Step 4: Watch your past tense.
-
Step 5: Use language appropriate to the person's gender.
-
Step 6: Don't be afraid to ask questions.Some
-
Step 7: but certainly not all transgender people will answer questions related their identity / gender.
-
Step 8: Respect the transgender person's need for privacy.
-
Step 9: Don't assume you know what the person's experience is.
-
Step 10: Begin to recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality.
-
Step 11: Treat transgender people the same.
-
Step 12: Be supportive.
Detailed Guide
People just acknowledge gender and move on.
Respect each person as you would any person.
Understand that the moment the conversation turns to respecting someone "because of" something, is the moment we are not just being with them unconditionally as the gender they present themselves as.
If you aim to respect someone "because of" their differences, you're emphasizing a distinction and saying that we need to apply the conversation of respect to this person because of that difference; in fact, nothing is different, and we just need to be with this person, as we would any person.
Above all else, be with them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance), as you would with anyone. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise.
Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)
When talking of the past try not to use phrases like "when you were a previous gender" or "born a man/woman," because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons- or at least be aware of when you do it.
Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense.
One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance "Last year"
"When you were a child"
"When you were in high school"
etc.
If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say "before you came out"
or "Before you began transitioning" (if applicable). , Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice.
For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc.
A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc.
Other transgender people have begun using gender neutral pronouns like they, their and them.Use the name they ask you to use.
Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary.
From this point on, you do not say "This is my friend Jack, I've known him since grade school." Instead, you say, "This is my friend Mary, I've known her since grade school." Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately.
Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary's wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know; despite the fact that the transgender person is the person you used to know, you just know them better now. , Don't expect the transgender person to be your sole educator, however.
It is your responsibility to inform yourself.
Also, if a trans person doesn't feel comfortable answering your question, don't try to "force it out of them." Questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you need to know in order to provide medical care, are engaging in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation. , Do not out them without express permission.
Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. "Outing" them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them.
It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot
- or even being harmed.
They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
This advice is appropriate for those who are living full-time or those who have not transitioned yet.
For those living full-time in their proper gender role, very many will not want anyone who did not know them from before they transitioned to know them as any other than their current, i.e. proper, gender. , There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed.
The idea of being "trapped in a man/woman's body"
the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others.
Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions.
Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
Don't assume that they are transitioning because of past trauma in their lives, or that they are changing genders as a way to escape from their bodies. , Do not assume that their gender correlates with their sexuality
- it doesn't.
There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and asexual transgender people.
If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use. , While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don't particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them.
After you are well-informed, make sure you're not going overboard.
Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out.
Treat them as you would anybody else.
Be willing to listen.
Many transgender people live in small communities where sharing their experience is limited to other trans people.
Often, being able to explain and educate people about their experience is helpful to both you and them.
Don't obfuscate.
If you are finding something difficult, let them know.
An honest, straight forward response is a lot easier for them to deal with than cutting them off.
Hang out with them.
Make it "normal"
- get used to them in the way they present and sooner or later you'll find that they aren't a strange person, they are "Joe" or "Josephine." You might just find you end up with a really good friend. , Those who have begun to express a gender different from the one assigned at birth are usually undergoing a major life changing event.
Patience, understanding, and a willingness to discuss issues these changes will bring about will help them through a difficult and emotional time.
It is best to ask open ended questions that allow the person to share as much as they feel comfortable sharing.
Examples: "How are things going?"; "You looked stressed.
Care to share?"; "You look really happy.
Something good happen?"; "How can I help support you during these changes?"; "I am all ears if there are things that wish to discuss."
About the Author
Victoria Morales
Creates helpful guides on cooking to inspire and educate readers.
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