How to Respond to Someone Being Disrespectful About Gender Identity or Sexuality
Try to use some humor., Remind that person that there are not just two simple sexes (let alone two genders)., Try to appeal to their empathy., Remind them that, in many places, there are laws that prohibit discrimination against LGBTQ* people...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Try to use some humor.
It is a very powerful tool.
If you can make the person laugh at themselves (and their own silly response), it makes it easier to let them see other people's points of view.
For example, you could humorously misgender or misname them. , Bring up the fact that intersex people exist
- they may have ambiguous genitalia and other sex characteristics (like chromosomes) so they can't be strictly defined as "male" or "female" in terms of their biology.
They, too, usually identify with some gender identity
- and it doesn't have to match their genitalia (or assigned sex).
In other words, not all intersex people automatically identify as "intersex/genderless/a bit of both" but they too can strongly identify as men or women.
They too like to be referred to as "she" or "he" accordingly and they use the gendered spaces appropriate to them (matching that gender identity).
They too are assigned a sex at birth and they are brought up accordingly
- but it doesn't always match their true gender! Informing your friend about this might make them see that physical sex characteristics don't have to determine a person's sense of self! , Explain that while using the right pronoun or terms is not a big deal to them, it is a huge deal to the transgender individual involved.
Tell them that misgendering, willful dead-naming (calling by birth name) etc. cause anxiety, depression and real hurt to that person's feelings.
Tell them straight that they are capable of learning to use a certain set of pronouns each time they meet a new person, so they are perfectly capable to learn what pronouns to use when the person in question happens to be transgender.
Explain to them that it hurts exactly as much as it would hurt to deliberately misgender a cisperson.
That is the same way it feels to a transgender person. , Just like it's wrong and illegal to discriminate against people based on their ethnicity or faith, discrimination based on gender expression can be just as harmful.
If possible, find out about local laws and teach the person about them.
This might help them see that what they are doing isn't just harmful and hurtful
- it might be also illegal! , Explain that you can respect other people and treat them with respect
- even if you're not familiar with their lifestyle or personal traits.
Do not get into an argument about this, though.
Firmly state it as a fact, end of discussion.
Let them think about what you just said on their own.
You can also point out that homosexual behavior is documented in 1,500 different species other than human, so it's a natural part and expression of sexuality.
Only people have condemned it wrong. . , That does not mean a certain identity wasn't valid.
Tell them it's necessary to respect every person's feelings and they are always valid at that time.
Even if their identity changes later, that was how the person in question described themselves and their experience at the moment, the best they could.
Remind them that other people's identities can't be seen from outside and it's up to each individual to figure out things about themselves; it's nobody else's job. , is not a choice! They might not be aware of that.
People don't "choose" to like certain things or people or to be certain way
- just as you don't choose to like brown bags or blue shoes or look certain way (blue eyes, dark hair, olive skin).
An intersex person didn't choose to be born with ambiguous genitalia, and transgender people don't choose to be born with sex characteristics that don't match their sense of self.
No matter how someone identifies (man, woman, genderless, non-binary, trans...), their outward expression and appearance is a reflection of their unique, real personality.
Being attracted to certain individuals or certain types of people is entirely subjective to that person in question.
You can't "choose" who you are attracted to, just like straight cispeople can't.
This might be a hard concept to grasp. , While being trans is not about a "beauty standard" (it's more complicated than that), you could try to explain that they are genuinely trying to match their inner feeling of how they feel they'd like to look like with their clothing choices and sometimes via hormones and/or surgery.
When trans people see some inspiring individual, they too get the feeling of "That's me!" or "That's exactly like me!" or "That's exactly I'd like to be/look like!" The only difference is their idol is usually the same gender that they feel they are inside.
Transgender people can suffer from gender dysphoria which means their desire to look certain way is so strong it causes anxiety and distress when the outside world is incapable of seeing that. , It's not about what are the causes of someone being gay/trans/non-binary/*
- it's about recognizing that their experience is real and valid as is! They are being themselves, the person/character they feel and know they are, just like everyone else.
Trans people are not deceiving anyone or pretending something
- they are being the person they are.
The same goes for gay people.
They just happen to be attracted to certain (or many) types of people.
This means that people have the right to look and dress how they please and identify or not identify with anything
- and still be respected as a person, as a human being. -
Step 2: Remind that person that there are not just two simple sexes (let alone two genders).
-
Step 3: Try to appeal to their empathy.
-
Step 4: Remind them that
-
Step 5: in many places
-
Step 6: there are laws that prohibit discrimination against LGBTQ* people.
-
Step 7: Firmly state that being part of any LGBTQ* group is not a mental illness
-
Step 8: a sin or wrong in any way.
-
Step 9: Explain that people's identifications may fluctuate as they discover more and more about themselves.
-
Step 10: Stress that being gay
-
Step 11: transgender etc.
-
Step 12: Point out that cisgender people too sculpt their bodies to match their "inner beauty standards": larger boobs
-
Step 13: bigger muscles
-
Step 14: long/short hair
-
Step 15: punk style or academic style
-
Step 16: makeup/no makeup etc...
-
Step 17: Encourage them to recognize and appreciate the experiences of others.
Detailed Guide
It is a very powerful tool.
If you can make the person laugh at themselves (and their own silly response), it makes it easier to let them see other people's points of view.
For example, you could humorously misgender or misname them. , Bring up the fact that intersex people exist
- they may have ambiguous genitalia and other sex characteristics (like chromosomes) so they can't be strictly defined as "male" or "female" in terms of their biology.
They, too, usually identify with some gender identity
- and it doesn't have to match their genitalia (or assigned sex).
In other words, not all intersex people automatically identify as "intersex/genderless/a bit of both" but they too can strongly identify as men or women.
They too like to be referred to as "she" or "he" accordingly and they use the gendered spaces appropriate to them (matching that gender identity).
They too are assigned a sex at birth and they are brought up accordingly
- but it doesn't always match their true gender! Informing your friend about this might make them see that physical sex characteristics don't have to determine a person's sense of self! , Explain that while using the right pronoun or terms is not a big deal to them, it is a huge deal to the transgender individual involved.
Tell them that misgendering, willful dead-naming (calling by birth name) etc. cause anxiety, depression and real hurt to that person's feelings.
Tell them straight that they are capable of learning to use a certain set of pronouns each time they meet a new person, so they are perfectly capable to learn what pronouns to use when the person in question happens to be transgender.
Explain to them that it hurts exactly as much as it would hurt to deliberately misgender a cisperson.
That is the same way it feels to a transgender person. , Just like it's wrong and illegal to discriminate against people based on their ethnicity or faith, discrimination based on gender expression can be just as harmful.
If possible, find out about local laws and teach the person about them.
This might help them see that what they are doing isn't just harmful and hurtful
- it might be also illegal! , Explain that you can respect other people and treat them with respect
- even if you're not familiar with their lifestyle or personal traits.
Do not get into an argument about this, though.
Firmly state it as a fact, end of discussion.
Let them think about what you just said on their own.
You can also point out that homosexual behavior is documented in 1,500 different species other than human, so it's a natural part and expression of sexuality.
Only people have condemned it wrong. . , That does not mean a certain identity wasn't valid.
Tell them it's necessary to respect every person's feelings and they are always valid at that time.
Even if their identity changes later, that was how the person in question described themselves and their experience at the moment, the best they could.
Remind them that other people's identities can't be seen from outside and it's up to each individual to figure out things about themselves; it's nobody else's job. , is not a choice! They might not be aware of that.
People don't "choose" to like certain things or people or to be certain way
- just as you don't choose to like brown bags or blue shoes or look certain way (blue eyes, dark hair, olive skin).
An intersex person didn't choose to be born with ambiguous genitalia, and transgender people don't choose to be born with sex characteristics that don't match their sense of self.
No matter how someone identifies (man, woman, genderless, non-binary, trans...), their outward expression and appearance is a reflection of their unique, real personality.
Being attracted to certain individuals or certain types of people is entirely subjective to that person in question.
You can't "choose" who you are attracted to, just like straight cispeople can't.
This might be a hard concept to grasp. , While being trans is not about a "beauty standard" (it's more complicated than that), you could try to explain that they are genuinely trying to match their inner feeling of how they feel they'd like to look like with their clothing choices and sometimes via hormones and/or surgery.
When trans people see some inspiring individual, they too get the feeling of "That's me!" or "That's exactly like me!" or "That's exactly I'd like to be/look like!" The only difference is their idol is usually the same gender that they feel they are inside.
Transgender people can suffer from gender dysphoria which means their desire to look certain way is so strong it causes anxiety and distress when the outside world is incapable of seeing that. , It's not about what are the causes of someone being gay/trans/non-binary/*
- it's about recognizing that their experience is real and valid as is! They are being themselves, the person/character they feel and know they are, just like everyone else.
Trans people are not deceiving anyone or pretending something
- they are being the person they are.
The same goes for gay people.
They just happen to be attracted to certain (or many) types of people.
This means that people have the right to look and dress how they please and identify or not identify with anything
- and still be respected as a person, as a human being.
About the Author
Carol Turner
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow lifestyle tutorials.
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