How to Respond to Verbal Abuse
Refuse to emotionally engage., Set boundaries., Walk away., Get help.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Refuse to emotionally engage.
When someone speaks to you in an abusive way, they are trying to control your behavior.
They wants you to react by getting upset.
They is trying to force you to pay attention to him and to give him power.
Your response may be to defend yourself and to try to control him, in turn.
Don't.
The best thing you can do is to turn your attention to yourself and keep control of your own behavior.Don't let yourself be dragged into an argument or an ugly scene.
Do not defend yourself against accusations and insults.
That would be taking them seriously.
Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you are talking to someone who likes to get a rise out of you and then say that you're too sensitive, don't expose your vulnerability by getting upset or appealing to his sympathy.
If you are being bullied by a schoolmate, dismiss him.
Show that you aren't interested in his opinion.
You might smile and say, "Yeah, I'm not here for that." When you are being insulted, mocked, yelled at, threatened, or otherwise verbally abused, take a deep breath.
Speak in a calm, even voice.
Do not yell or mutter.
Remind yourself that nobody has the right to put you down, and that what is happening is not something you deserve. -
Step 2: Set boundaries.
When you are being verbally abused, explain that you will not engage with the behavior, set consequences, and stick to them.
Say "I would be happy to talk to you about this issue, but I am not going to speak to you when you are yelling/insulting me/threatening me/putting me down/speaking in a sarcastic tone of voice." If she says she is just joking, say "I don't like that joke, and I am not interested in talking to you when you talk to me like that."If she continues to harass you, set a consequence.
Say, "I will talk to you about this when we can both act calmly; however, I will not stay here and be abused.
If you keep speaking to me in that tone, I will leave the house." Make sure to follow through on whatever consequence you set.
If you said you will leave the house, leave the house. , If a boundary you set is crossed, or if you feel unsafe, leave.
If you are home, you can go to another room or leave the house.
If you are being verbally abused by someone you don't know or don't have any reason to talk to, walk away if you feel safe doing so.
You don't have to put up with abuse.Return only if it is safe.
Leaving your house is a good strategy if you have a partner or other family member who gets angry and needs to calm down.
In these cases, leave for an hour or two and come back when you feel ready.
However, if the abuser is more inclined to stay angry, to escalate into violence, or to seek some sort of revenge, stay away.
If there are children or other vulnerable people in the house, take them with you.
If you are being randomly verbally abused by someone you don't know, either stay silent or say, "I would appreciate that you not speak to me in that tone of voice," and move on to a place of safety as soon as you can. , If you are being verbally abused at work or at school, report your abuser to someone higher up.
Enlist help from friends and colleagues as well.
If you are being abused by a partner, take steps to remove yourself permanently from the situation.
If your child or other dependent is verbally aggressive, set strict limits and seek help for him.
Never stay silent about verbal abuse.
Let others know what you are going through.
Abuse can escalate, and verbal abuse can get in your head.
Friends, family, and others can help.If you or someone you know has been experiencing verbal abuse for a prolonged period, find a good therapist as soon as possible. -
Step 3: Walk away.
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Step 4: Get help.
Detailed Guide
When someone speaks to you in an abusive way, they are trying to control your behavior.
They wants you to react by getting upset.
They is trying to force you to pay attention to him and to give him power.
Your response may be to defend yourself and to try to control him, in turn.
Don't.
The best thing you can do is to turn your attention to yourself and keep control of your own behavior.Don't let yourself be dragged into an argument or an ugly scene.
Do not defend yourself against accusations and insults.
That would be taking them seriously.
Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If you are talking to someone who likes to get a rise out of you and then say that you're too sensitive, don't expose your vulnerability by getting upset or appealing to his sympathy.
If you are being bullied by a schoolmate, dismiss him.
Show that you aren't interested in his opinion.
You might smile and say, "Yeah, I'm not here for that." When you are being insulted, mocked, yelled at, threatened, or otherwise verbally abused, take a deep breath.
Speak in a calm, even voice.
Do not yell or mutter.
Remind yourself that nobody has the right to put you down, and that what is happening is not something you deserve.
When you are being verbally abused, explain that you will not engage with the behavior, set consequences, and stick to them.
Say "I would be happy to talk to you about this issue, but I am not going to speak to you when you are yelling/insulting me/threatening me/putting me down/speaking in a sarcastic tone of voice." If she says she is just joking, say "I don't like that joke, and I am not interested in talking to you when you talk to me like that."If she continues to harass you, set a consequence.
Say, "I will talk to you about this when we can both act calmly; however, I will not stay here and be abused.
If you keep speaking to me in that tone, I will leave the house." Make sure to follow through on whatever consequence you set.
If you said you will leave the house, leave the house. , If a boundary you set is crossed, or if you feel unsafe, leave.
If you are home, you can go to another room or leave the house.
If you are being verbally abused by someone you don't know or don't have any reason to talk to, walk away if you feel safe doing so.
You don't have to put up with abuse.Return only if it is safe.
Leaving your house is a good strategy if you have a partner or other family member who gets angry and needs to calm down.
In these cases, leave for an hour or two and come back when you feel ready.
However, if the abuser is more inclined to stay angry, to escalate into violence, or to seek some sort of revenge, stay away.
If there are children or other vulnerable people in the house, take them with you.
If you are being randomly verbally abused by someone you don't know, either stay silent or say, "I would appreciate that you not speak to me in that tone of voice," and move on to a place of safety as soon as you can. , If you are being verbally abused at work or at school, report your abuser to someone higher up.
Enlist help from friends and colleagues as well.
If you are being abused by a partner, take steps to remove yourself permanently from the situation.
If your child or other dependent is verbally aggressive, set strict limits and seek help for him.
Never stay silent about verbal abuse.
Let others know what you are going through.
Abuse can escalate, and verbal abuse can get in your head.
Friends, family, and others can help.If you or someone you know has been experiencing verbal abuse for a prolonged period, find a good therapist as soon as possible.
About the Author
Sandra Smith
Committed to making DIY projects accessible and understandable for everyone.
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