How to Stop Being Mean to People
Think about why you act mean., Realize that your thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected., Gain control of your emotions before you speak., Keep a “be nice” journal., Cultivate a sense of humor., Sleep well at night., Meditate before...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think about why you act mean.
Many people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.However, this approach may not really be effective, especially if you want to be nicer to others.
You might lash out at someone, feel better in the moment, but then feel bad about yourself later for lashing out.
Other reasons that you are being mean may include:
You cannot handle your own negative emotions, so you lash out at others.
Your ego feels threatened, so you are mean as a form of defense.
You envy someone else’s life or accomplishments, so you want to hurt her.
You are projecting your own negative feelings about yourself on someone else.
You are trying to make yourself feel unique and distinct from other people by distinguishing differences between you in a mean way. -
Step 2: Realize that your thoughts
It can be difficult to determine what is a thought and what is a feeling.
In fact, the two interrelate: your thoughts affect your feelings.
Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions.
Thus, if you want to change your actions (or words), you can start by first changing your thoughts.For example, if you think, “this guy is an idiot!” you may feel frustrated talking to him, and that will come across in your words and actions.
If, however, you think “this person needs to learn more about the topic,” you might be more inclined to teach him, and your increased patience will come through your words.
Remember that even when you feel that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can always choose how to act.
Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use., If you are speaking to someone and feel as though you are about to be mean to them, give yourself time to think before you respond.
You’re more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to use reason first.
If you are feeling particularly angry, resentful, hurt, or sad, you may want to wait to talk to others.
These emotions can stand in the way of positive communication and cause you to lash out at someone else. , Write entries about how you interacted with people throughout the day.
If you had incidents in which you were mean, try to recall details about who you were mean to, why you think you were mean, what you said, and what events led up to the incident.
If you were able to be nice to others, particularly in situations in which your tendency would normally be to be mean, then reward yourself for “good behavior.” Building a cache of journal entries about your meanness can help you identify whether there are people, events, or environments that seem to “trigger” your tendency to act mean.
Identifying your triggers gives you the opportunity to work towards improving in those situations in the future. , Being able to laugh easily (with people, not at people), can help humor override your tendencies to be mean.
If you are beginning to feel impatient and think you might be mean to someone, try to find a reason to laugh.
Finding humor in a situation or getting yourself laughing about something else can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body’s chemical reaction from anger or negativity to humor., You need to get plenty of sleep (at least 7-8 hours) every night to thrive.Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly.
Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to be nice to others regardless of your emotional state.
If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician or a pharmacist about safe sleep aids.
Alternately, making dietary changes, such as reducing caffeine and sugar consumption, or lifestyle changes, such as reducing nighttime screen time, may enable you to sleep better at night. , Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you be nicer.
If you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry or impatient, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation.
Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence:
Breathe deeply and slowly.
Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer.
Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath.
Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in.
Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind.
When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body.
Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way. -
Step 3: feelings
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Step 4: and actions are connected.
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Step 5: Gain control of your emotions before you speak.
-
Step 6: Keep a “be nice” journal.
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Step 7: Cultivate a sense of humor.
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Step 8: Sleep well at night.
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Step 9: Meditate before potentially stressful events or conversations.
Detailed Guide
Many people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.However, this approach may not really be effective, especially if you want to be nicer to others.
You might lash out at someone, feel better in the moment, but then feel bad about yourself later for lashing out.
Other reasons that you are being mean may include:
You cannot handle your own negative emotions, so you lash out at others.
Your ego feels threatened, so you are mean as a form of defense.
You envy someone else’s life or accomplishments, so you want to hurt her.
You are projecting your own negative feelings about yourself on someone else.
You are trying to make yourself feel unique and distinct from other people by distinguishing differences between you in a mean way.
It can be difficult to determine what is a thought and what is a feeling.
In fact, the two interrelate: your thoughts affect your feelings.
Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions.
Thus, if you want to change your actions (or words), you can start by first changing your thoughts.For example, if you think, “this guy is an idiot!” you may feel frustrated talking to him, and that will come across in your words and actions.
If, however, you think “this person needs to learn more about the topic,” you might be more inclined to teach him, and your increased patience will come through your words.
Remember that even when you feel that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can always choose how to act.
Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use., If you are speaking to someone and feel as though you are about to be mean to them, give yourself time to think before you respond.
You’re more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to use reason first.
If you are feeling particularly angry, resentful, hurt, or sad, you may want to wait to talk to others.
These emotions can stand in the way of positive communication and cause you to lash out at someone else. , Write entries about how you interacted with people throughout the day.
If you had incidents in which you were mean, try to recall details about who you were mean to, why you think you were mean, what you said, and what events led up to the incident.
If you were able to be nice to others, particularly in situations in which your tendency would normally be to be mean, then reward yourself for “good behavior.” Building a cache of journal entries about your meanness can help you identify whether there are people, events, or environments that seem to “trigger” your tendency to act mean.
Identifying your triggers gives you the opportunity to work towards improving in those situations in the future. , Being able to laugh easily (with people, not at people), can help humor override your tendencies to be mean.
If you are beginning to feel impatient and think you might be mean to someone, try to find a reason to laugh.
Finding humor in a situation or getting yourself laughing about something else can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body’s chemical reaction from anger or negativity to humor., You need to get plenty of sleep (at least 7-8 hours) every night to thrive.Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly.
Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to be nice to others regardless of your emotional state.
If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician or a pharmacist about safe sleep aids.
Alternately, making dietary changes, such as reducing caffeine and sugar consumption, or lifestyle changes, such as reducing nighttime screen time, may enable you to sleep better at night. , Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you be nicer.
If you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry or impatient, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation.
Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence:
Breathe deeply and slowly.
Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer.
Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath.
Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in.
Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind.
When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body.
Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way.
About the Author
Jessica Parker
Specializes in breaking down complex home improvement topics into simple steps.
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