How to Stop Criticizing Others
Think before you speak., Be realistic., Depersonalize other people's actions., Separate the individual from their actions., Focus on positives.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think before you speak.
Before you dish out criticism, pause and consider whether you really need to say anything at all.
If someone did something to get on your nerves, do you really need to point it out? Sometimes, it's best to let small indiscretions go.
Try taking a few deep breaths and leaving the room instead of criticizing.It's best not to criticize someone's personality.
People have very little control over personality quirks.
If your friend Jane has a tendency to get caught up in her own interests, it might be best to just smile and nod while she's going on and on about a new TV show she loves.
If this is just something she does, criticizing it will probably not result in the behavior changing.Avoid criticism that goes for someone's personality over his or her actions.
For example, it may be a problem that your boyfriend forgets to pay his phone bill on time each month.
However, saying something like "Why are you so forgetful?" isn't terribly productive.
It may be best to be quiet for now and later, when you're calm, talk about finding productive ways to better manage bill payment, such as downloading a phone app that will provide a reminder when it is time to pay the phone bill every month. -
Step 2: Be realistic.
Critical people often have very high expectations of those around them.
It's possible your tendency to criticize stems from expecting too much from those around you.
If you find yourself consistently annoyed or disappointed with others, it may be a good idea to adjust your expectations.Think about the last time you criticized someone.
What lead to this criticism? Were your expectations in the situation realistic? For example, say you criticized your girlfriend for not answering your texts quickly enough when she was out with friends.
You told her this made you feel uncared for and that she should have answered right away.
Pause and examine these expectations.
Can you really expect your girlfriend to be on her phone when she's socializing? Isn't your girlfriend entitled to a social life outside of your relationship? You have probably occasionally missed texts or returned them late if you were busy.
In this case, maybe you could adjust your expectations.
It may not be reasonable to expect a text returned immediately if you know your girlfriend is hanging out with other people. , Oftentimes, critical people have a tendency to personalize events that occur around them.This can bleed out into personalizing the actions of others.
If someone gets on your nerves or makes your life difficult, you may feel the urge to criticize that person.
However, remember other people have their own separate lives and struggles.
If someone did something to bother you, the majority of the time their actions were not directed at you.
For example, say you have a friend who routinely cancels plans.
You may take this as an act of disrespect and feel compelled to criticize that person for not valuing your relationship.
However, realistically your friend's actions are probably not personal.
Look at the situation from an outside perspective.
Is your friend very busy? Is she just generally a flaky person? Is your friend more introverted than others? A variety of factors may make a person cancel plans often.
Chances are, it isn't about you personally.
Criticizing may add more stress to someone whose life is already stressful. , Critical people are often guilty of filtering.
This means you only focus on the negative aspects of a situation or a person, failing to see good qualities alongside negative ones.This may lead to your criticizing others.
If you find yourself making assumptions about a person's character, stop yourself.
Try to separate a frustrating action from the person doing the action.
We all behave poorly sometimes, but a single action is not a reflection of character.
If you see someone cut in line, do you immediately think that person is rude? If so, stop for a moment and reconsider.
Maybe that person is in a hurry.
Maybe he has a lot on his mind, and he did not realize he cut.
You can be frustrated by the action.
Getting cut in line is annoying.
However, try not to judge a stranger's character based on the action.If you work on separating the person from the action, you may naturally want to criticize less.
As you come to realize you cannot judge a person's character based on a single choice or decision, you will be unable to call someone out for being rude or disrespectful. , Oftentimes, being critical results from how you're choosing to see a situation.
Everyone has flaws and imperfections.
However, the vast majority of people have good qualities that outweigh these flaws.
Try to focus on a person's positive qualities over their negative ones.
Having a positive attitude can change the way you react to stress.
Negative emotions activate the amygdala, which is a major trigger of feelings of stress an anxiety.
If you're feeling keyed up yourself, this can lead to negative interactions with others.
Working on developing a positive attitude can help you stop criticizing others.Believe everyone has some natural goodness in them.
While you may be skeptical of this fact, try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt in this regard.
Go out of the way to look for people doing good in the world.
Focus on the person in the supermarket who told the cashier to have a nice day.
Pay attention to the coworker who always smiles at you on your way to your desk.Oftentimes, people's flaws actually stem from other, positive qualities.
For example, your boyfriend may take a long time to complete basic household tasks.
This could be because he's more conscientious than others.
Maybe he spends an extra 20 minutes doing the dishes because he makes the effort to get them extra clean. -
Step 3: Depersonalize other people's actions.
-
Step 4: Separate the individual from their actions.
-
Step 5: Focus on positives.
Detailed Guide
Before you dish out criticism, pause and consider whether you really need to say anything at all.
If someone did something to get on your nerves, do you really need to point it out? Sometimes, it's best to let small indiscretions go.
Try taking a few deep breaths and leaving the room instead of criticizing.It's best not to criticize someone's personality.
People have very little control over personality quirks.
If your friend Jane has a tendency to get caught up in her own interests, it might be best to just smile and nod while she's going on and on about a new TV show she loves.
If this is just something she does, criticizing it will probably not result in the behavior changing.Avoid criticism that goes for someone's personality over his or her actions.
For example, it may be a problem that your boyfriend forgets to pay his phone bill on time each month.
However, saying something like "Why are you so forgetful?" isn't terribly productive.
It may be best to be quiet for now and later, when you're calm, talk about finding productive ways to better manage bill payment, such as downloading a phone app that will provide a reminder when it is time to pay the phone bill every month.
Critical people often have very high expectations of those around them.
It's possible your tendency to criticize stems from expecting too much from those around you.
If you find yourself consistently annoyed or disappointed with others, it may be a good idea to adjust your expectations.Think about the last time you criticized someone.
What lead to this criticism? Were your expectations in the situation realistic? For example, say you criticized your girlfriend for not answering your texts quickly enough when she was out with friends.
You told her this made you feel uncared for and that she should have answered right away.
Pause and examine these expectations.
Can you really expect your girlfriend to be on her phone when she's socializing? Isn't your girlfriend entitled to a social life outside of your relationship? You have probably occasionally missed texts or returned them late if you were busy.
In this case, maybe you could adjust your expectations.
It may not be reasonable to expect a text returned immediately if you know your girlfriend is hanging out with other people. , Oftentimes, critical people have a tendency to personalize events that occur around them.This can bleed out into personalizing the actions of others.
If someone gets on your nerves or makes your life difficult, you may feel the urge to criticize that person.
However, remember other people have their own separate lives and struggles.
If someone did something to bother you, the majority of the time their actions were not directed at you.
For example, say you have a friend who routinely cancels plans.
You may take this as an act of disrespect and feel compelled to criticize that person for not valuing your relationship.
However, realistically your friend's actions are probably not personal.
Look at the situation from an outside perspective.
Is your friend very busy? Is she just generally a flaky person? Is your friend more introverted than others? A variety of factors may make a person cancel plans often.
Chances are, it isn't about you personally.
Criticizing may add more stress to someone whose life is already stressful. , Critical people are often guilty of filtering.
This means you only focus on the negative aspects of a situation or a person, failing to see good qualities alongside negative ones.This may lead to your criticizing others.
If you find yourself making assumptions about a person's character, stop yourself.
Try to separate a frustrating action from the person doing the action.
We all behave poorly sometimes, but a single action is not a reflection of character.
If you see someone cut in line, do you immediately think that person is rude? If so, stop for a moment and reconsider.
Maybe that person is in a hurry.
Maybe he has a lot on his mind, and he did not realize he cut.
You can be frustrated by the action.
Getting cut in line is annoying.
However, try not to judge a stranger's character based on the action.If you work on separating the person from the action, you may naturally want to criticize less.
As you come to realize you cannot judge a person's character based on a single choice or decision, you will be unable to call someone out for being rude or disrespectful. , Oftentimes, being critical results from how you're choosing to see a situation.
Everyone has flaws and imperfections.
However, the vast majority of people have good qualities that outweigh these flaws.
Try to focus on a person's positive qualities over their negative ones.
Having a positive attitude can change the way you react to stress.
Negative emotions activate the amygdala, which is a major trigger of feelings of stress an anxiety.
If you're feeling keyed up yourself, this can lead to negative interactions with others.
Working on developing a positive attitude can help you stop criticizing others.Believe everyone has some natural goodness in them.
While you may be skeptical of this fact, try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt in this regard.
Go out of the way to look for people doing good in the world.
Focus on the person in the supermarket who told the cashier to have a nice day.
Pay attention to the coworker who always smiles at you on your way to your desk.Oftentimes, people's flaws actually stem from other, positive qualities.
For example, your boyfriend may take a long time to complete basic household tasks.
This could be because he's more conscientious than others.
Maybe he spends an extra 20 minutes doing the dishes because he makes the effort to get them extra clean.
About the Author
Sarah Cole
Committed to making pet care accessible and understandable for everyone.
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