How to Support Someone Who Is Chronically Ill
Maintain a presence in your friend's life., Research your friend's illness., Don't be afraid to talk about their health, but be prepared., Have empathy––this is also important., Make their lives easier by anticipating their needs., Do little things...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Maintain a presence in your friend's life.
Your friend is facing a very different life than they had imagined for themselves, and will need to grieve their loss.
They are likely dealing with an overload of painful symptoms, and coming to terms with their new limitations.The first step is to let them know that you intend to be there for them as a friend.
This alone will be a gift to them; many chronically ill are dropped by their friends, who find the problems associated with the illness to be too difficult or uncomfortable.
Assure your friend that you will be present in his or her life.
Make it clear that you are ready to support your friend as well as you can through difficult times. -
Step 2: Research your friend's illness.
Ask your friend for a good website that will help you to understand exactly what their disease is.
Simply googling it may not give you the best of results, as the general search system lacks vital information returns for medical issues.
You may wind up with a false impression of the disease, so be sure to ask your friend.
It will also be a good step to show them that you care, and have a genuine interest in their health.
You might also like to ask your doctor or a friend with medical qualifications for suggested websites to read through, and perhaps some medical journal articles as well. , It is likely that your friend is dealing with an enormous amount of pain and new emotions.
He or she is probably a mess, and you may find hearing about the state of their lives unpleasant or uncomfortable.
This is understandable, however, you must work to put those feelings aside in order to support your friend.
You may feel tempted to quickly change the subject.
You may not want to meet their eyes.
Little in this world is more obvious or more hurtful.
So be prepared, but make it clear that you are ready to listen when they want to talk. , When your friend talks, be a good listener.
Make eye contact, let them speak without interrupting, and nod every now and then.
When they finish, reply to what they said––do not start talking about something else in your life.
You can be certain that your life's problems are completely unrelated.
For example:
Your friend says, "It's so hard.
Everything hurts, all the time.
I'm so tired sometimes I can barely breathe.
I was so nauseated this morning I thought my stomach might explode." Do not respond with: "Oh, that sucks.
When I ate this burrito from this Mexican place, I was super nauseated too.
Have you tried coffee?" The more appropriate response would be something along the lines of: "Wow.
I'm so sorry, that must be really hard for you." Validate what they are feeling, and give them permission to talk as much as they need.
If you are doing this much already, you are a truly exceptional friend! , Somebody who is chronically ill finds everyday tasks challenging.
Something like showering or making dinner might take every bit of energy that they have in them.
Show up with dinner, offer to do their grocery shopping when you are at the store, or offer to drive them somewhere that they may need to go.
You don't need to become their caretaker, but dropping off a casserole once a month would go a very long way.
Your friend needs a lot of help, but will probably be careful not to ask you for too much. , You can bake them a cake, bring some movies to their house to watch together, or send them a cute balloon.
Offer to go to support groups with them, to better understand what they are going through.
Gestures like these can make somebody's day. , For example, if you make plans, be aware that they may need to cancel suddenly.
Don't hold it against them.
If they cancel on your lunch plans, understand that they may not have been able to leave the house for weeks.
It's possible that they can't go out because they don't have the strength to bathe.
They live very different lives.
So, if you are cancelled on suddenly, or they aren't responding to your messages, don't be upset.
Try to think what they might be going through, and ask them if you can do anything to help.
It might be a good time to drop off that casserole! Everybody needs somebody looking after them.
Chronic illnesses often put strain in families, so you, as the empathetic friend, may find yourself in the position of being the sole caring person.
You are very important. , Imagine what your day consists of: you probably wake up, take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, make yourself breakfast, eat, and get dressed, all before going to work or school.
Each of these actions is probably effortless and mindless for you, but any one of them would present an enormous challenge for somebody who is extremely ill.
It is impossible to truly understand what that life is like if you have not lived it, but try to imagine the worst illness you have ever had.
Preferably one that put you in constant pain, gave you frightening new symptoms, and drained you completely of energy.
Now imagine that you never recovered. Think of the long term consequences on your career, your relationships, and your emotions. , Attempt to understand their limitations.
Do your best to get a good understanding of what they are living with and the daily challenges that they face.
Many sick people find that others do not want to hear about their illness, so your desire to understand will put them at ease.
You may also feel uncomfortable about asking, maybe because you feel that they don't want to talk, or you don't know how to handle the answer.
The fact is, most sick people do want to talk about their illnesses.
Illness is life for a sick person! People want to talk about their lives.
If you don't know how to handle the answer, simply listen well and express empathy for the other person.
That's all they need. , Be assured, this is most likely not a reflection on your personality, but a reflection on how ill your new friend is.
If your friend cancelled on your movie plans, offer to come over with movies.
It's possible that they can't leave the house.
If they say no, don't worry, because it's possible that they simply cannot bathe themselves.
If they take a long time to respond to your messages, it's possible that they are not capable of responding.
It might be a good time to drop off a casserole or something, if you know the person well enough.
If you ever feel hurt, put yourself in their shoes.
Friendship is an enormous energy expenditure for a sick person, and you should take it as a compliment that they are even attempting one with you.
It means that think you're worth their precious reserves of energy.
You're pretty cool. , In this case, offer to pick up groceries for them when you are at the store.
Contact them, saying that you accidentally made a double batch of macaroni and cheese, and would they want you to drop some off? Eventually, they may feel comfortable asking you for the help that they need to get to doctors' appointments and do other things.
They will be careful not to overburden you, and probably will not ask for any help at all unless you take the first step.
These small things are not small to somebody in the position of your friend, and they will be remembered for a long time to come. , Let's say your lovely friend is feeling down.
They just saw a doctor who was unkind, or got back some bad lab results.
Time to cheer them up! Make yourself available to empathize.
Listen to what they have to say, and respond by validating their emotions.
For example, when they say: "I'm really disappointed, I had no idea how much I was hoping for this until it was gone," You say, "I'm so sorry, Bobert.
Is there anything I can do?" Don't respond with your feelings, or attempt to convince them that their problems are not so terrible.
Their problems are terrible, and it is helpful if you acknowledge that and provide comfort. , Want to go the extra mile in friendly kindness? Your friend is so lucky.
Bake your friend a cake, send them a balloon, or go to their house (having confirmed it with them first) with a favorite book or movies.
Offer to attend a support group with them, and they will feel particularly grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful friend. -
Step 3: Don't be afraid to talk about their health
-
Step 4: but be prepared.
-
Step 5: Have empathy––this is also important.
-
Step 6: Make their lives easier by anticipating their needs.
-
Step 7: Do little things to make them happy.
-
Step 8: Understand that they may have difficulty returning your friendship.
-
Step 9: Understand that your friend lives a very different life than you do.
-
Step 10: Ask your friend to explain their illness to you.
-
Step 11: In a new friendship with a sick person
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Step 12: you may find yourself in the unpleasant position of being cancelled on or ignored via phone.
-
Step 13: After you know the person better
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Step 14: you may find that you want to make their lives easier.
-
Step 15: Be a source of cheer.
-
Step 16: Keep doing caring things.
Detailed Guide
Your friend is facing a very different life than they had imagined for themselves, and will need to grieve their loss.
They are likely dealing with an overload of painful symptoms, and coming to terms with their new limitations.The first step is to let them know that you intend to be there for them as a friend.
This alone will be a gift to them; many chronically ill are dropped by their friends, who find the problems associated with the illness to be too difficult or uncomfortable.
Assure your friend that you will be present in his or her life.
Make it clear that you are ready to support your friend as well as you can through difficult times.
Ask your friend for a good website that will help you to understand exactly what their disease is.
Simply googling it may not give you the best of results, as the general search system lacks vital information returns for medical issues.
You may wind up with a false impression of the disease, so be sure to ask your friend.
It will also be a good step to show them that you care, and have a genuine interest in their health.
You might also like to ask your doctor or a friend with medical qualifications for suggested websites to read through, and perhaps some medical journal articles as well. , It is likely that your friend is dealing with an enormous amount of pain and new emotions.
He or she is probably a mess, and you may find hearing about the state of their lives unpleasant or uncomfortable.
This is understandable, however, you must work to put those feelings aside in order to support your friend.
You may feel tempted to quickly change the subject.
You may not want to meet their eyes.
Little in this world is more obvious or more hurtful.
So be prepared, but make it clear that you are ready to listen when they want to talk. , When your friend talks, be a good listener.
Make eye contact, let them speak without interrupting, and nod every now and then.
When they finish, reply to what they said––do not start talking about something else in your life.
You can be certain that your life's problems are completely unrelated.
For example:
Your friend says, "It's so hard.
Everything hurts, all the time.
I'm so tired sometimes I can barely breathe.
I was so nauseated this morning I thought my stomach might explode." Do not respond with: "Oh, that sucks.
When I ate this burrito from this Mexican place, I was super nauseated too.
Have you tried coffee?" The more appropriate response would be something along the lines of: "Wow.
I'm so sorry, that must be really hard for you." Validate what they are feeling, and give them permission to talk as much as they need.
If you are doing this much already, you are a truly exceptional friend! , Somebody who is chronically ill finds everyday tasks challenging.
Something like showering or making dinner might take every bit of energy that they have in them.
Show up with dinner, offer to do their grocery shopping when you are at the store, or offer to drive them somewhere that they may need to go.
You don't need to become their caretaker, but dropping off a casserole once a month would go a very long way.
Your friend needs a lot of help, but will probably be careful not to ask you for too much. , You can bake them a cake, bring some movies to their house to watch together, or send them a cute balloon.
Offer to go to support groups with them, to better understand what they are going through.
Gestures like these can make somebody's day. , For example, if you make plans, be aware that they may need to cancel suddenly.
Don't hold it against them.
If they cancel on your lunch plans, understand that they may not have been able to leave the house for weeks.
It's possible that they can't go out because they don't have the strength to bathe.
They live very different lives.
So, if you are cancelled on suddenly, or they aren't responding to your messages, don't be upset.
Try to think what they might be going through, and ask them if you can do anything to help.
It might be a good time to drop off that casserole! Everybody needs somebody looking after them.
Chronic illnesses often put strain in families, so you, as the empathetic friend, may find yourself in the position of being the sole caring person.
You are very important. , Imagine what your day consists of: you probably wake up, take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, make yourself breakfast, eat, and get dressed, all before going to work or school.
Each of these actions is probably effortless and mindless for you, but any one of them would present an enormous challenge for somebody who is extremely ill.
It is impossible to truly understand what that life is like if you have not lived it, but try to imagine the worst illness you have ever had.
Preferably one that put you in constant pain, gave you frightening new symptoms, and drained you completely of energy.
Now imagine that you never recovered. Think of the long term consequences on your career, your relationships, and your emotions. , Attempt to understand their limitations.
Do your best to get a good understanding of what they are living with and the daily challenges that they face.
Many sick people find that others do not want to hear about their illness, so your desire to understand will put them at ease.
You may also feel uncomfortable about asking, maybe because you feel that they don't want to talk, or you don't know how to handle the answer.
The fact is, most sick people do want to talk about their illnesses.
Illness is life for a sick person! People want to talk about their lives.
If you don't know how to handle the answer, simply listen well and express empathy for the other person.
That's all they need. , Be assured, this is most likely not a reflection on your personality, but a reflection on how ill your new friend is.
If your friend cancelled on your movie plans, offer to come over with movies.
It's possible that they can't leave the house.
If they say no, don't worry, because it's possible that they simply cannot bathe themselves.
If they take a long time to respond to your messages, it's possible that they are not capable of responding.
It might be a good time to drop off a casserole or something, if you know the person well enough.
If you ever feel hurt, put yourself in their shoes.
Friendship is an enormous energy expenditure for a sick person, and you should take it as a compliment that they are even attempting one with you.
It means that think you're worth their precious reserves of energy.
You're pretty cool. , In this case, offer to pick up groceries for them when you are at the store.
Contact them, saying that you accidentally made a double batch of macaroni and cheese, and would they want you to drop some off? Eventually, they may feel comfortable asking you for the help that they need to get to doctors' appointments and do other things.
They will be careful not to overburden you, and probably will not ask for any help at all unless you take the first step.
These small things are not small to somebody in the position of your friend, and they will be remembered for a long time to come. , Let's say your lovely friend is feeling down.
They just saw a doctor who was unkind, or got back some bad lab results.
Time to cheer them up! Make yourself available to empathize.
Listen to what they have to say, and respond by validating their emotions.
For example, when they say: "I'm really disappointed, I had no idea how much I was hoping for this until it was gone," You say, "I'm so sorry, Bobert.
Is there anything I can do?" Don't respond with your feelings, or attempt to convince them that their problems are not so terrible.
Their problems are terrible, and it is helpful if you acknowledge that and provide comfort. , Want to go the extra mile in friendly kindness? Your friend is so lucky.
Bake your friend a cake, send them a balloon, or go to their house (having confirmed it with them first) with a favorite book or movies.
Offer to attend a support group with them, and they will feel particularly grateful to have such a caring and thoughtful friend.
About the Author
Heather Stokes
Specializes in breaking down complex lifestyle topics into simple steps.
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