How to Tell a Guy You Know He's Lying to You
Arrange a meeting in person., Organize the evidence., Calm yourself down., Tell him that you know about the lies., Use "I" statements to express your feelings about the lying., Keep the conversation on-topic., Give him a chance to explain himself...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Arrange a meeting in person.
Meeting your partner in person will allow you to analyze important information such as body language and eye contact.
This can help you determine whether or not your partner is still lying to you.
Even though lie detection is a hotly debated topic, signs of lying include pursed lips, fidgeting, a lack of cooperation, uncharacteristic terseness or silence, and the avoidance of first-person words such as "I" or "my." Consider meeting in a neutral location, such as a cafe or restaurant.
This will help keep the confrontation from escalating and will also allow the two of you to discuss his lies as equals.
If you want to preserve the relationship, try to think of your meeting as a discussion instead of a fight. -
Step 2: Organize the evidence.
Whether the evidence that your man has lied is a stray text, an errant email, a letter, hearsay from a friend, or simply your instincts, be sure that you review the evidence carefully before your meeting.
You want to be able to discuss the evidence with your partner calmly and rationally.
Consider making back-up copies of your evidence, just in case. , Go into your confrontation from a position of strength and tranquility.
Meditate, breathe deeply, take a peaceful walk, or undertake relaxing visualization exercises.Do whatever it takes to ensure that your mind and body are prepared to keep a stressful situation from becoming too overwhelming. , In order for a conflict to be resolved, you must first define the specific terms of the conflict: in this case, that you are concerned about his lying behaviors.It is best if the accusation is made swiftly and directly to give you both time to resolve the issue.
There is no need to beat around the bush.
Simply tell him that you know he hasn't been truthful, and that this worries you.
Keep your voice level and calm, and maintain eye contact.
Rather than calling him a "liar," consider using specific examples of lying behaviors that you find unacceptable.
For example, try using phrases such as: "I have noticed recently that you tell me you are working late, even though you are not answering your work phone.
This makes me think that I am being lied to." "When you told me that you liked my new haircut, I had the feeling that you weren't being entirely honest." "Lately I have been worried about whether you are being honest with me.
For example, I have seen you check your texts when you think I am not looking.
Is there something you would like to tell me?"
Even though it might be tempting to blame, insult, or yell at the liar, inflammatory accusations might make it more difficult for you to repair the relationship.
Instead, try speaking honestly about how his lies have made you feel.Some scripts you might use include: "I find it difficult to trust someone who has lied to me." "I value truthfulness in a relationship, and I find lies to be damaging." "Even if a lie is meant to protect my feelings, I find that my feelings are hurt more by lies than by the truth, whatever the truth may be."
Common responses to being accused of lying include changing the subject of conversation, blaming the accuser, stalling, or inappropriately complimenting the accuser.Stick to your message: that you know he lied, that you feel hurt, and that you need the lying to stop in order to remain in the relationship.
You have a right to express your feelings, and your partner should hear them.
Don't let yourself get distracted or defensive. , Remember that sometimes people have a good reason to lie.
Or perhaps he didn't lie at all and there is a reasonable alternative explanation for the evidence you gathered.
It is also possible that he feels sorry for the lies he told and that he genuinely wants to change his behavior going forward.
For example, people often lie when they are under time pressure or stress, but they might tell the truth after they have been given some time and space to think.Even if he is a liar, he deserves to have his say.
And if you want to repair the relationship, it is important that he be allowed to speak his piece.Remember that people can be easily hoodwinked, especially by a lover.
This is known as "truth bias," which can make us believe irrational things about those we care about.Your partner might have had a good reason to lie, but don't let yourself get caught up in unbelievable excuses or outlandish stories.
If he says that a stranger who looks just like him happened to steal his phone and use it to send nude photos to your best friend, do not be fooled: he is probably still lying to you. , Follow your instincts and observe his behavior carefully.
Ask yourself if you truly believe that the lying will stop.
Depending on how the conversation goes and what your instincts are telling you, you might do one of several things:
Forgive him and move on.
If the lie seems to be fairly minor or a one-time mistake, and if your partner is serious about telling you the truth in the future, you might simply leave the past in the past.
Be observant moving forward, but remember that everybody makes mistakes sometimes.
Seek counseling.
If the lie was a major one and if you have invested a lot in this relationship, you might consider working with a therapist or counselor on how to rebuild trust.
This is most likely too much time, effort, and money to be worthwhile for short-term relationships, however.
End the relationship.
If you think that your feelings are still in danger or that your partner will continue betraying your trust, it might be best to cut off contact.
Even if your original intent was salvaging the relationship, your safety and happiness come first. , It is not easy to confront a liar, but it is necessary.
Treat yourself to a day at the spa or to an evening out with close, trusted friends.
You deserve some relaxation and fun. -
Step 3: Calm yourself down.
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Step 4: Tell him that you know about the lies.
-
Step 5: Use "I" statements to express your feelings about the lying.
-
Step 6: Keep the conversation on-topic.
-
Step 7: Give him a chance to explain himself.
-
Step 8: Decide where to go from here.
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Step 9: Congratulate yourself for sticking up for the truth.
Detailed Guide
Meeting your partner in person will allow you to analyze important information such as body language and eye contact.
This can help you determine whether or not your partner is still lying to you.
Even though lie detection is a hotly debated topic, signs of lying include pursed lips, fidgeting, a lack of cooperation, uncharacteristic terseness or silence, and the avoidance of first-person words such as "I" or "my." Consider meeting in a neutral location, such as a cafe or restaurant.
This will help keep the confrontation from escalating and will also allow the two of you to discuss his lies as equals.
If you want to preserve the relationship, try to think of your meeting as a discussion instead of a fight.
Whether the evidence that your man has lied is a stray text, an errant email, a letter, hearsay from a friend, or simply your instincts, be sure that you review the evidence carefully before your meeting.
You want to be able to discuss the evidence with your partner calmly and rationally.
Consider making back-up copies of your evidence, just in case. , Go into your confrontation from a position of strength and tranquility.
Meditate, breathe deeply, take a peaceful walk, or undertake relaxing visualization exercises.Do whatever it takes to ensure that your mind and body are prepared to keep a stressful situation from becoming too overwhelming. , In order for a conflict to be resolved, you must first define the specific terms of the conflict: in this case, that you are concerned about his lying behaviors.It is best if the accusation is made swiftly and directly to give you both time to resolve the issue.
There is no need to beat around the bush.
Simply tell him that you know he hasn't been truthful, and that this worries you.
Keep your voice level and calm, and maintain eye contact.
Rather than calling him a "liar," consider using specific examples of lying behaviors that you find unacceptable.
For example, try using phrases such as: "I have noticed recently that you tell me you are working late, even though you are not answering your work phone.
This makes me think that I am being lied to." "When you told me that you liked my new haircut, I had the feeling that you weren't being entirely honest." "Lately I have been worried about whether you are being honest with me.
For example, I have seen you check your texts when you think I am not looking.
Is there something you would like to tell me?"
Even though it might be tempting to blame, insult, or yell at the liar, inflammatory accusations might make it more difficult for you to repair the relationship.
Instead, try speaking honestly about how his lies have made you feel.Some scripts you might use include: "I find it difficult to trust someone who has lied to me." "I value truthfulness in a relationship, and I find lies to be damaging." "Even if a lie is meant to protect my feelings, I find that my feelings are hurt more by lies than by the truth, whatever the truth may be."
Common responses to being accused of lying include changing the subject of conversation, blaming the accuser, stalling, or inappropriately complimenting the accuser.Stick to your message: that you know he lied, that you feel hurt, and that you need the lying to stop in order to remain in the relationship.
You have a right to express your feelings, and your partner should hear them.
Don't let yourself get distracted or defensive. , Remember that sometimes people have a good reason to lie.
Or perhaps he didn't lie at all and there is a reasonable alternative explanation for the evidence you gathered.
It is also possible that he feels sorry for the lies he told and that he genuinely wants to change his behavior going forward.
For example, people often lie when they are under time pressure or stress, but they might tell the truth after they have been given some time and space to think.Even if he is a liar, he deserves to have his say.
And if you want to repair the relationship, it is important that he be allowed to speak his piece.Remember that people can be easily hoodwinked, especially by a lover.
This is known as "truth bias," which can make us believe irrational things about those we care about.Your partner might have had a good reason to lie, but don't let yourself get caught up in unbelievable excuses or outlandish stories.
If he says that a stranger who looks just like him happened to steal his phone and use it to send nude photos to your best friend, do not be fooled: he is probably still lying to you. , Follow your instincts and observe his behavior carefully.
Ask yourself if you truly believe that the lying will stop.
Depending on how the conversation goes and what your instincts are telling you, you might do one of several things:
Forgive him and move on.
If the lie seems to be fairly minor or a one-time mistake, and if your partner is serious about telling you the truth in the future, you might simply leave the past in the past.
Be observant moving forward, but remember that everybody makes mistakes sometimes.
Seek counseling.
If the lie was a major one and if you have invested a lot in this relationship, you might consider working with a therapist or counselor on how to rebuild trust.
This is most likely too much time, effort, and money to be worthwhile for short-term relationships, however.
End the relationship.
If you think that your feelings are still in danger or that your partner will continue betraying your trust, it might be best to cut off contact.
Even if your original intent was salvaging the relationship, your safety and happiness come first. , It is not easy to confront a liar, but it is necessary.
Treat yourself to a day at the spa or to an evening out with close, trusted friends.
You deserve some relaxation and fun.
About the Author
Kayla Kennedy
Experienced content creator specializing in practical skills guides and tutorials.
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