How to Tell the Difference Between Shame and Guilt

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Look for moments when you have low self-esteem.

   Often when we feel shameful or ashamed, we end up feeling low about ourselves.
   
   You may have low self-esteem and feel you are worth nothing or a failure.
   
   When you feel shameful, you feel bad about who you are.
   
   This can then lead to low self-esteem and a feeling of being defective or flawed.You may have moments of shame if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or under a dark cloud.
   
   You may struggle with your appearance and feel shameful about it.
   
   Or you may dislike some aspect of your personality, which can lead to feelings of shame.
   
   You may also have feelings of shame that are then made worse by getting shamed by someone.
   
   For example, you may be shamed at school for an outfit you are wearing.
   
   Or you may be shamed for the type of food you bring to school for lunch.
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   Step 2: Notice if you bully others or put down others.

   You may also have feelings of shame that then lead you to bully others or put them down so they feel bad or so you can feel superior to them in some way.
   
   Your feelings of shame may trigger you to act out and hurt others around you so they feel as worse as you do.You may bully those closest to you, such as friends or family, due to your feelings of shame.
   
   You may also take your shame out on strangers, such as the guy who cut you off while driving or the woman who accidentally bumped your arm in the check-out line.
   
   For example, maybe you always put down a person who is smaller than you in class by telling them they are "stupid" or "dumb." You may also bully your siblings or your family by calling them names and telling them that they are "worthless" or "defective."
   
   You may also have a creeping feeling that you are a fraud or a “faker” due to feelings of shame.
   
   Perhaps you feel like a phony when you are around others and you struggle to stay calm and relaxed because of your feelings.
   
   You may also feel unworthy or inferior to others due to your feelings of shame.For example, you may struggle with acting perfect around others and dress in a certain way to appear cool or hip.
   
   You may then have feelings of shame when you walk around in your cool outfit, as you actually feel uncool and like a fraud.
   
   You may try to hide your shame from others because you find it painful to discuss or address.
   
   Hiding your shame may lead to a deeper sense of feeling a fraud or a fake. , It may help you put your feelings of shame into context by learning about the theories behind shame and why we feel shame.
   
   There are three main theories of shame, including:
   The functional theory:
   This is where you try to use shame to adapt to relationships and fit in with society.
   
   You may use feelings of shame to actually fit in and behave morally around others.
   
   The cognitive theory:
   This theory occurs when you evaluate yourself in relation to the perception others have of you.
   
   You may then feel you do not meet certain rules or standards.
   
   This can lead to feelings of being a failure or flawed.
   
   The psychoanalytic attachment theory:
   In this theory, your feelings of shame are attached to your experience with your mother or caretaker as a child.
   
   You may experience a disruption in that attachment and this could lead to feelings of being unwanted or unacceptable. , Guilt often occurs when you feel bad for something you did to someone else.
   
   The focus is more on your actions, rather than you as a person.
   
   Unlike shame, guilt is more about feeling bad for what you did rather than feeling bad for who you are.
   
   Because guilt is attached to actions, it is often easier to remedy feelings of guilt than to address feelings of shame.For example, you may feel guilty if you hurt someone’s feelings or do something that you know will hurt them.
   
   You may then feel uncomfortable around the person you have hurt and feel you have made a mistake.
   
   Your feelings of guilt may become strong enough for you to apologize or make amends to the person for your actions. , You may also have feelings of guilt if you break the law or do something illegal.
   
   Your feelings of guilt are tied to committing an action that you know is wrong and against the moral code of society.
   
   You may then feel you need to be held accountable for your actions to absolve your feelings of guilt.For example, you may feel guilty if you steal something from a store.
   
   You may feel good breaking the law in the moment but feelings of guilt will hit you soon after you commit a crime.
   
   You may then turn yourself into the police to address your feelings of guilt. , Chronic guilt occurs when you feel guilty on a regular basis, even after you have addressed your actions and apologized or made amends.
   
   Chronic guilt can quickly turn into shame.You should observe your behavior and notice if you feel guilty every day over a period of months or years for a specific action or just in general.
   
   You may then be developing feelings of shame around an event or action in your life. , One way you can tell the difference between shame and guilt is by looking at how you handle each feeling.
   
   You can usually address your feelings of guilt more easily than your feelings of shame.
   
   If you feel guilty about something you can often address it and work on making amends so you no longer feel guilty.To address your guilt, you may make a heartfelt apology to the person you have hurt and say, “I’m sorry for what I did.” Over time, you may then be able to release your feelings of guilt and move on.
   
   Guilt is known as an adaptive emotion, where you can address the source of your emotion and then work on coming up with a solution to relieve your emotion. , Shame is a more complicated emotion than guilt, as it is tied more to you as a person than your actions as a person.
   
   You may struggle to address or process your feelings of shame, especially if the reasons for your feelings of shame are buried or hidden.
   
   You may not be able to simply apologize or make amends and then have your shame fade away over time.Your feelings of shame may not allow you to say to someone, “I’m sorry.
   
   I made a mistake.” Instead, your feelings of shame may cause you to say, “I’m sorry.
   
   I am the mistake.” You may need to seek professional help, such as talking to a therapist or a counselor, to help you come to terms with your feelings of shame and work through the causes of your shame.
   
   It may take time for you to address and process your feelings of shame, often more time than you may need to address feelings of guilt. , Shame and guilt are very different emotions and they serve different purposes.
   
   Guilt is useful because it allows us to know the difference between right and wrong, and we are often able to process our guilt by making amends for our mistakes.
   
   Though guilt may be an intense emotion, it can be addressed and dealt with through thoughtful actions and words.
   
   Shame, on the other hand, is a more complex and less useful emotion.Often, we find it difficult to know what to do when we feel shame.
   
   Shame is also seen as bad character trait and many people will try to hide their shame, leading to isolation and low self-esteem.
   
   Holding on to shame can be exhausting and emotionally damaging.
   
   You should try to accept feelings of guilt and address them accordingly.
   
   You should not try to accept feelings of shame and should instead speak to a therapist or counselor so you can work through your emotions and release your feelings of shame.
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   Step 3: Check if you feel like a fraud or a fake.

4. 4

   Step 4: Recognize the three theories of shame.

5. 5

   Step 5: Notice if you feel bad for something you did.

6. 6

   Step 6: Check your emotions after doing something wrong or illegal.

7. 7

   Step 7: Look for signs of chronic guilt.

8. 8

   Step 8: Look at how you handle your feelings of guilt.

9. 9

   Step 9: Notice if you are able to process your feelings of shame.

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    Step 10: Recognize the purpose of both emotions.

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