How to Break Up Your First Relationship

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Question yourself.

   What is it about the relationship that is making you so unhappy? It's important that you are clear, so that you can make it clear to your soon-to-be ex.
   
   Is it because you argue all the time? Have you met someone new, whom you are interested in pursuing? Do you feel trapped without enough freedom? Are you being smothered? Are things just moving too fast? Are you tired of being pressured into having sex when you feel you just aren't ready yet? Have you grown tired of the relationship? Are you simply not looking forward to spending time with him/her any more?
2. 2

   Step 2: Come to terms with your decision before moving further.

   After you understand your negative feelings about the relationship, make up your mind to absolutely end the relationship, and move on to the next step. , You will need to return all of his or her stuff
   - albums, earrings, jackets, books, watches, cameras, rings.
   
   Put it in a box and take it with you to your meeting.
   
   It's hard enough for him or her, probably
   - knowing that s/he must return and face you later to get those items will cause unnecessary pain, and will be uncomfortable for you, too.
   
   Taking it with you will help make this a clean break. , Your former love should be given the dignity and respect that privacy affords.
   
   If your ex is prone to violent outbursts, you must choose a neutral location, such as a coffee shop or outdoor cafe.
   
   But if at all possible, try to keep things low key and between the two of you. , State clearly that you've called him or her here to end the relationship.
   
   You may not need to recite a list of reasons
   - if you aren't asked to, don't.
   
   Stay as calm and be as nice about it as possible while understanding that, if this is a total shock to the other person, there will be some shock, disbelief, maybe anger, and certainly, pain.
   
   S/he may express anger or outrage at your decision, but stay calm and firm, and keep on point.
   
   Don't allow yourself to be pulled into an argument or shouting match about who was more at fault, or who is the worse person here.
   
   Give reasons for the breakup only if you need to (s/he asks you why you are leaving)
   - s/he may already have suspected you weren't happy and that a breakup was coming, so s/he may not want to hear any more about it.
   
   When giving reasons for the breakup, don't launch into a laundry list.
   
   Choose the one or two most inarguable causes, and let that be enough.
   
   You want to help him or her to understand what went wrong, especially if some behavior on his or her part was the deal breaker.
   
   But you don't want to just beat him/her down into the ground with a long recitation of his/her faults.
   
   Try something like: "It just comes down to basic incompatibility, Clark.
   
   I'm more open, and you're more secretive
   - it's almost like you're hiding something from me, and it drives me crazy.
   
   I want the chance to meet someone who is more transparent with me, and doesn't feel a need to keep secrets." or , "You are my first real relationship, Lana, and that's the problem.
   
   I want the chance to have other relationships.
   
   If we were really meant to be those rare first loves that last forever, I think I would feel more sure of that.
   
   But as much as I've cared for you, I feel I haven't experienced enough to make that lifelong commitment.
   
   I feel like there's something or someone out there waiting for me.
   
   I'll always care for you, and I'm sorry, I know this is hurting you, but I need to go." If things start getting out of hand tell him/her that you don't wish to argue or fight but that you have made up your mind and it is final.
   
   Give him/her the box of his or her things, then turn around and walk away before things escalate into an actual fight.
   
   If s/he is crying tell her/him that you are sorry to hurt him or her, but that this is your decision.
   
   Get up and leave.
   
   Let his/her friends do the comforting. , If you have truly made up your mind to break up with him/her, it is best to stay away from him/her, refuse all calls from him/her, refuse to meet with him/her or talk with him/her.
   
   For some people, getting you to take calls, return texts, meet with him/her, etc. are a way of controlling you.
   
   Every moment they can get you to spend with them is a win for them, so don't do it.
   
   Let the break be clean and definite
   - and final.
   
   Breaking up is like a band aid on your arm, you can pull it off slowly a little bit at a time and it will hurt for a long time, or you can pull it off quickly and all at once and it will all be over quickly and the hurt will be less painful and more merciful in the long run. , Say nothing against your ex, and don't allow your friends to trash talk him/her, either.
   
   Instead, take the high road, and hope that's what gets back to your ex
   - and not a lot of mean backbiting.
   
   If s/he starts trash talking you, and you hear about it, just respond with something like, "S/he must still really be hurting.
   
   That makes me feel bad for him/her." It is your and his/her private business and no one else's
   - don't broadcast it.
   
   It's bad form.
   
   If he/she threatens you with violence or begins stalking you, immediately notify the police or, if you are a minor, tell your parents or guardians.
   
   Breaking up is sad, but it is better to end a relationship than to live in a dating relationship that is no longer satisfying. (However if you are married, or if there are children involved, it is better to try your best to work things out and if necessary get professional help in doing so.
   
   A failed marriage is much worse than a failed "first relationship").
3. 3

   Step 3: Gather together all of his/her things.

4. 4

   Step 4: Ask him/her to meet you somewhere quiet and private.

5. 5

   Step 5: Be kind

6. 6

   Step 6: honest

7. 7

   Step 7: direct

8. 8

   Step 8: and firm.

9. 9

   Step 9: End contact.

10. 10

    Step 10: Don't trash talk your ex.

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