How to Clear Emotional Clutter from a Relationship
Tune in to your feelings about the other person., Identify any recurring negative patterns in the relationship., Make an action plan., Choose a good time to talk., Use “I” statements., Empathize with the other person., Avoid using words that cause...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Tune in to your feelings about the other person.
Ask yourself what’s really bothering you about the relationship.
Acknowledge your emotions, even if they’re uncomfortable or difficult to face.Avoid repressing your negative feelings or hoping they’ll go away on their own.
Like physical clutter, emotional baggage doesn’t go away unless you take action to get rid of it.
For instance, you might realize you’re holding onto feelings of resentment towards your significant other because they don’t make an effort to spend time with you or help enough with the bills. -
Step 2: Identify any recurring negative patterns in the relationship.
Think about how often you and the other person fight or get angry at each other.
Do you rehash the same argument over and over? Recurring problems are a telltale sign that your relationship is burdened with emotional clutter.Think about what could be causing any recurring problems in the relationship.
Take a critical look at your own behavior, as well as the other person’s.
It is important to reflect on your behavior first before approaching or criticizing your spouse or partner.
For instance, if you and your spouse always argue about whose family to visit for the holidays, the real problem might be that you both put off making plans until the last minute. , After identifying the emotional clutter in your relationship, decide how you will address it.
Think about how you can change your own habits for the better, what you want to say to the other person, and whether family therapy or couples counseling might be necessary for resolving your problems.Avoid expecting the other person to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to fixing long-standing relationship problems.
It’s important to recognize your own flaws, too.
Before trying to change your partner's behavior, reflect on what you can do to benefit the relationship, and make a change yourself.
See if this helps communication.
If you still have a problem with your significant other, bring it up with them. , Discuss the relationship when you and the other person are both feeling positive and relaxed.
Avoid having the talk when one or both of you are tired, in a hurry, or upset about something.If it’s difficult to find a good time for a conversation, plan for it ahead of time.
Say something like, “I’d like to talk with you about something.
Can we get together on Thursday night?” , Tell the other person about your concerns.
Avoid accusing or criticizing them.
Instead, use the phrases “I think…” and “I feel…” to talk about what is bothering you.
For example, say something like, “I feel like you don’t care about my opinion when you make big decisions without talking to me first.” “I” statements let you express yourself without making the other person feel defensive.
On the other hand, saying things like “You always…” will make the other person want to argue with you or stop talking to you. , Listen to what the other person has to say, and put yourself in their shoes as much as you can.
Let them know that you understand their point of view.
For example, if your girlfriend tells you she’s been irritable lately because she’s under pressure at work, you could say, “That sounds really stressful.
It must be hard to handle problems at home on top of that.” Making the other person feel understood and validated will reinforce the idea that you’re working together, not against each other, to improve the relationship. , The words “but,” “not,” and “should” can all stir up negative feelings and get in the way of productive conversation.
Similarly, using the phrase “makes me feel” sends the message that you’re not willing to take responsibility for your own feelings.Replace the word “but” with “and” wherever you can.
For instance, say, “I agree with you, and…” instead of “I agree with you, but…” Instead of using the word “not,” which is unnecessarily negative, phrase things in a positive way.
For instance, say, “I’d rather do it this way,” instead of, “I do not want to do that.” Use “could” instead of “should.” For instance, the sentence “We could do this” is much more neutral than “We should do this.” Instead of saying something makes you feel a certain way, just say, “I feel…” , Keep your relationship well-maintained by checking in with the other person frequently.
Talking to each other on a regular basis will help you catch emotional clutter and clear it out before it builds up., Even healthy relationships aren’t perfect, and unrealistic expectations are often responsible for long-lasting emotional clutter.
After you’ve prioritized a few important issues to work on, make peace with the smaller flaws in the relationship.For instance, you might make it a priority to communicate better with your boyfriend, but decide you can live with tidying up after him around the house.
If you and the other person frequently clash over a certain issue, such as an ideological difference, avoiding the topic may be a more practical solution than trying to reach an agreement.
Make a list of your expectations, and rank these topics by importance.
Try letting go of the lower items on your list first before tackling the larger issues. , If the other person hurt you in the past, talk about the issue and forgive them.
Then move on.
Commit to leaving your old pain behind you, so it won’t continue to damage the relationship in the future.It can be tempting to bring up old grievances when you get into an argument, but don’t do this.
It doesn’t help fix the current issue, and it can easily turn into an argument about who acted more hurtful in the past. , Instead of worrying about whether you’re good enough or whether the other person really cares about you, focus on improving your own life and your relationship skills.
If you have a concern about the relationship, bring it up with the other person so that you can discuss it and find a solution together., Spend time with the other person regularly, and remember what you appreciate about them.
Make an effort to create new, positive memories together.
Keeping your relationship strong will help prevent more emotional clutter from building up in the future. -
Step 3: Make an action plan.
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Step 4: Choose a good time to talk.
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Step 5: Use “I” statements.
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Step 6: Empathize with the other person.
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Step 7: Avoid using words that cause conflict.
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Step 8: Make regular communication a habit.
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Step 9: Let go of unrealistic expectations.
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Step 10: Let go of old grudges.
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Step 11: Banish insecurity by focusing on what you can control.
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Step 12: Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Detailed Guide
Ask yourself what’s really bothering you about the relationship.
Acknowledge your emotions, even if they’re uncomfortable or difficult to face.Avoid repressing your negative feelings or hoping they’ll go away on their own.
Like physical clutter, emotional baggage doesn’t go away unless you take action to get rid of it.
For instance, you might realize you’re holding onto feelings of resentment towards your significant other because they don’t make an effort to spend time with you or help enough with the bills.
Think about how often you and the other person fight or get angry at each other.
Do you rehash the same argument over and over? Recurring problems are a telltale sign that your relationship is burdened with emotional clutter.Think about what could be causing any recurring problems in the relationship.
Take a critical look at your own behavior, as well as the other person’s.
It is important to reflect on your behavior first before approaching or criticizing your spouse or partner.
For instance, if you and your spouse always argue about whose family to visit for the holidays, the real problem might be that you both put off making plans until the last minute. , After identifying the emotional clutter in your relationship, decide how you will address it.
Think about how you can change your own habits for the better, what you want to say to the other person, and whether family therapy or couples counseling might be necessary for resolving your problems.Avoid expecting the other person to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to fixing long-standing relationship problems.
It’s important to recognize your own flaws, too.
Before trying to change your partner's behavior, reflect on what you can do to benefit the relationship, and make a change yourself.
See if this helps communication.
If you still have a problem with your significant other, bring it up with them. , Discuss the relationship when you and the other person are both feeling positive and relaxed.
Avoid having the talk when one or both of you are tired, in a hurry, or upset about something.If it’s difficult to find a good time for a conversation, plan for it ahead of time.
Say something like, “I’d like to talk with you about something.
Can we get together on Thursday night?” , Tell the other person about your concerns.
Avoid accusing or criticizing them.
Instead, use the phrases “I think…” and “I feel…” to talk about what is bothering you.
For example, say something like, “I feel like you don’t care about my opinion when you make big decisions without talking to me first.” “I” statements let you express yourself without making the other person feel defensive.
On the other hand, saying things like “You always…” will make the other person want to argue with you or stop talking to you. , Listen to what the other person has to say, and put yourself in their shoes as much as you can.
Let them know that you understand their point of view.
For example, if your girlfriend tells you she’s been irritable lately because she’s under pressure at work, you could say, “That sounds really stressful.
It must be hard to handle problems at home on top of that.” Making the other person feel understood and validated will reinforce the idea that you’re working together, not against each other, to improve the relationship. , The words “but,” “not,” and “should” can all stir up negative feelings and get in the way of productive conversation.
Similarly, using the phrase “makes me feel” sends the message that you’re not willing to take responsibility for your own feelings.Replace the word “but” with “and” wherever you can.
For instance, say, “I agree with you, and…” instead of “I agree with you, but…” Instead of using the word “not,” which is unnecessarily negative, phrase things in a positive way.
For instance, say, “I’d rather do it this way,” instead of, “I do not want to do that.” Use “could” instead of “should.” For instance, the sentence “We could do this” is much more neutral than “We should do this.” Instead of saying something makes you feel a certain way, just say, “I feel…” , Keep your relationship well-maintained by checking in with the other person frequently.
Talking to each other on a regular basis will help you catch emotional clutter and clear it out before it builds up., Even healthy relationships aren’t perfect, and unrealistic expectations are often responsible for long-lasting emotional clutter.
After you’ve prioritized a few important issues to work on, make peace with the smaller flaws in the relationship.For instance, you might make it a priority to communicate better with your boyfriend, but decide you can live with tidying up after him around the house.
If you and the other person frequently clash over a certain issue, such as an ideological difference, avoiding the topic may be a more practical solution than trying to reach an agreement.
Make a list of your expectations, and rank these topics by importance.
Try letting go of the lower items on your list first before tackling the larger issues. , If the other person hurt you in the past, talk about the issue and forgive them.
Then move on.
Commit to leaving your old pain behind you, so it won’t continue to damage the relationship in the future.It can be tempting to bring up old grievances when you get into an argument, but don’t do this.
It doesn’t help fix the current issue, and it can easily turn into an argument about who acted more hurtful in the past. , Instead of worrying about whether you’re good enough or whether the other person really cares about you, focus on improving your own life and your relationship skills.
If you have a concern about the relationship, bring it up with the other person so that you can discuss it and find a solution together., Spend time with the other person regularly, and remember what you appreciate about them.
Make an effort to create new, positive memories together.
Keeping your relationship strong will help prevent more emotional clutter from building up in the future.
About the Author
Abigail Phillips
Specializes in breaking down complex lifestyle topics into simple steps.
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