How to Cope when Your Partner Does Not Defend You to Family
Choose a good time to have the talk., Tell your partner how their family is making you feel., Tell your partner you need them to stand up for you., Avoid talking about anyone’s character., Brainstorm solutions with your partner., Practice active...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Choose a good time to have the talk.
Discussing your partner's family is a sensitive subject, so you'll want to bring up the topic when your partner is in a receptive mood.
Avoid discussing this when they are angry, tired, or stressed.
Instead choose a time when you are both in a good mood and relatively relaxed.
It may even be a good idea to have the discussion when you are engaging in a mutual activity side-by-side rather than face-on to alleviate some of the tension.
Consider bringing up the topic when you are driving or folding laundry.
Say, "Baby, I've been wanting to talk to you about your family.
Sometimes, I feel like they are very judgmental of me, and you don't seem to have my back." Also, keep in mind that your partner may need time to process what you have to say, so you might need to break up the discussion into a few conversations over time.
Try to be sensitive to your partner’s needs and give them time. -
Step 2: Tell your partner how their family is making you feel.
Be honest about what is bothering you.
Your partner may not realize how their family’s behavior affects you.Use “I” statements to express how you feel.
For example, say something like, “I feel frustrated when we spend time with your family because of the things they say to me.” Try to keep your tone neutral during this conversation, even if you’re frustrated.
Your partner might get defensive if you’re visibly angry.
Say something like, “I know you love your mom and she means well, but it really bothers me that she always criticizes the way I’m raising our daughter.
I’m starting to dread going to family events because she usually has something negative to say.” , Often it’s best for your partner to handle issues that arise with their own family.
Let them know that you need support from them.You could say, “Next time your mom starts telling me how we should raise Olivia differently, can you step in and defend the parenting decisions we’ve made together? Your support would mean so much to me.” Avoid blaming them for not supporting you in the past.
Try to focus on what you need from them moving forward. , If you make any kind of personal attacks on your partner’s family, your partner may instinctively jump to their side.
Keep everything strictly factual when you make your case.
Refer to specific events that have happened, and avoid making character judgments.Similarly, avoid using “always” and “never” statements.
These statements are rarely true, and they often lead to an argument.
Remember that your partner loves their family, and it’s natural for them to feel loyal to their family members. , Your partner knows their family best, and they may have some good insights for how to handle them.
Work as a team to come up with some ideas for avoiding conflict and hurt feelings at future family get-togethers.For instance, you and your partner could sit down and evaluate what's happening and how to approach the situation based on the unique personalities of their family members.
Perhaps, your partner knows a way to handle a certain family member that could help in your interactions.
They might say, "Aunt Sarah is judgmental of everyone I date.
It may be better if we just ignore any comments from her." You could even try to come up with some dialogue and rehearse what each of you might say in certain situations.
This may make it easier for your partner to step in when you need them. , Even the most sensitive topics can be navigated more easily when you both practice active listening.
This involves listening to understand rather than listening to reply.
When your partner is talking, try the following:
Making occasional eye contact Removing distractions like your cellphone or the television Displaying open body language (e.g. arms and legs at your side and relaxed) Asking questions for clarification (e.g. "Do you mean...?") Summarizing their point to ensure you understand (e.g. "It sounds like you're saying...") Waiting until they have finished their message before responding , If you and your partner are struggling to reach an agreement on how to handle family conflict, couples counseling can help you understand each other better.
A good counselor can teach you communication strategies and help you create solutions that work for both of you.You might suggest, "Sweetie, I can see you are having trouble standing up to your family.
I think it would be helpful if we saw a therapist who can help us figure out how to manage this situation.
Does that sound good to you?" -
Step 3: Tell your partner you need them to stand up for you.
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Step 4: Avoid talking about anyone’s character.
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Step 5: Brainstorm solutions with your partner.
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Step 6: Practice active listening.
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Step 7: Consider attending couples counseling.
Detailed Guide
Discussing your partner's family is a sensitive subject, so you'll want to bring up the topic when your partner is in a receptive mood.
Avoid discussing this when they are angry, tired, or stressed.
Instead choose a time when you are both in a good mood and relatively relaxed.
It may even be a good idea to have the discussion when you are engaging in a mutual activity side-by-side rather than face-on to alleviate some of the tension.
Consider bringing up the topic when you are driving or folding laundry.
Say, "Baby, I've been wanting to talk to you about your family.
Sometimes, I feel like they are very judgmental of me, and you don't seem to have my back." Also, keep in mind that your partner may need time to process what you have to say, so you might need to break up the discussion into a few conversations over time.
Try to be sensitive to your partner’s needs and give them time.
Be honest about what is bothering you.
Your partner may not realize how their family’s behavior affects you.Use “I” statements to express how you feel.
For example, say something like, “I feel frustrated when we spend time with your family because of the things they say to me.” Try to keep your tone neutral during this conversation, even if you’re frustrated.
Your partner might get defensive if you’re visibly angry.
Say something like, “I know you love your mom and she means well, but it really bothers me that she always criticizes the way I’m raising our daughter.
I’m starting to dread going to family events because she usually has something negative to say.” , Often it’s best for your partner to handle issues that arise with their own family.
Let them know that you need support from them.You could say, “Next time your mom starts telling me how we should raise Olivia differently, can you step in and defend the parenting decisions we’ve made together? Your support would mean so much to me.” Avoid blaming them for not supporting you in the past.
Try to focus on what you need from them moving forward. , If you make any kind of personal attacks on your partner’s family, your partner may instinctively jump to their side.
Keep everything strictly factual when you make your case.
Refer to specific events that have happened, and avoid making character judgments.Similarly, avoid using “always” and “never” statements.
These statements are rarely true, and they often lead to an argument.
Remember that your partner loves their family, and it’s natural for them to feel loyal to their family members. , Your partner knows their family best, and they may have some good insights for how to handle them.
Work as a team to come up with some ideas for avoiding conflict and hurt feelings at future family get-togethers.For instance, you and your partner could sit down and evaluate what's happening and how to approach the situation based on the unique personalities of their family members.
Perhaps, your partner knows a way to handle a certain family member that could help in your interactions.
They might say, "Aunt Sarah is judgmental of everyone I date.
It may be better if we just ignore any comments from her." You could even try to come up with some dialogue and rehearse what each of you might say in certain situations.
This may make it easier for your partner to step in when you need them. , Even the most sensitive topics can be navigated more easily when you both practice active listening.
This involves listening to understand rather than listening to reply.
When your partner is talking, try the following:
Making occasional eye contact Removing distractions like your cellphone or the television Displaying open body language (e.g. arms and legs at your side and relaxed) Asking questions for clarification (e.g. "Do you mean...?") Summarizing their point to ensure you understand (e.g. "It sounds like you're saying...") Waiting until they have finished their message before responding , If you and your partner are struggling to reach an agreement on how to handle family conflict, couples counseling can help you understand each other better.
A good counselor can teach you communication strategies and help you create solutions that work for both of you.You might suggest, "Sweetie, I can see you are having trouble standing up to your family.
I think it would be helpful if we saw a therapist who can help us figure out how to manage this situation.
Does that sound good to you?"
About the Author
Margaret Hamilton
Brings years of experience writing about organization and related subjects.
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