How to Date a Man Who Has a Child when You Don't
Be honest with yourself., Expect grief., Accept second place in the beginning., Know that you’re beginning more than one relationship., Expect the unexpected., Realize that you won’t be sharing “firsts.” Whether you’re hoping to marry the father...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be honest with yourself.
Assess your own needs.
Know from the start what you truly expect from this relationship.
Ask yourself whether you intend to pursue and commit to a lifelong relationship with the father or whether you’re only interested in a casual relationship. -
Step 2: Expect grief.
Whether the father is a widower, a divorcee, or a parent out of wedlock, know that he’s most likely in a period of mourning for his previous relationship.Also be aware that men are more likely than women to hide their feelings,so don’t assume everything’s fine just because he says it is.
If you’re interested in pursuing a longterm relationship, invite him to openly discuss his loss.
Use your conversations to evaluate how well he’s coping with it., Embrace early on that his child should be his #1 priority.
Be flexible when scheduling your own quality time with him.Appreciate the fact that his money should be earmarked first and foremost for his child’s needs.This may sound like a bummer, but think of it as an excellent way to judge the father’s character.
Whether he’s a widower, divorced, or otherwise estranged from the mother, imagine that you’re the mother in this situation.
Ask yourself if he’s acting as responsibly toward his child as you would expect him to act toward your own.
If he’s showering you with time, money, and attention while neglecting his kid, consider that a red flag.
Remember this is only temporary.
Look forward to becoming an equal member of the family as you gradually integrate over time. , If you’re expecting your relationship with the father to become permanent, be prepared to have one with the child and mother as well.Even if the mother has passed on or is largely absent from your own life, they will still maintain a large presence in both the father and child’s mind.Ask the father early on about the family’s history.
Learn about both the child and the mother before you meet them: their character, their interests, their strengths and weaknesses, etc.
Use the father’s answers to better understand the man you’re dating.
For instance, while he may have criticisms about the mother that are perfectly valid, be wary if he places 100% of the blame for everything that’s ever gone wrong entirely on her.
Judge for yourself how well he’s able to assess a situation objectively and accept responsibility for his part in it. , Know that you’ll be facing many more variables than you would be in a relationship with a single man without children.
Understand that the father’s relationship with the mother may change over time, for better or for worse.
Appreciate the fact that the child’s thoughts and feelings may alter as well, both as they age and as your own status in their lives changes.
Expect to face far more stress and challenges than you’ve grown accustomed to in childless relationships.Think positively! While it’s important to be realistic about the situation that you’re entering, don’t let challenges and stress dissuade you from pursuing a future with the father if you think it’s worth it.
Remember that challenges met and overcome can be rewarding experiences in their own right. , Ask yourself how much importance you really place on reaching these steps together as mutual “firsts” in your life journey.At the same time, consider the fact that you’ll have a partner who has prior concrete experience with things that, for now, are only hypothetical for you personally.
Whether it’s committing to a long-term relationship or having another child, you’ll have a partner with more intimate knowledge about the situation as a whole and what to expect, as well as more self-knowledge about his own capabilities in that situation. , Once you’ve considered the reality of dating a single father, reevaluate what you honestly need from a relationship.
Based on that, ask yourself if you can really expect those needs to be fulfilled in these circumstances.
Decide then whether to walk away or continue dating.
If you’re only seeking a casual relationship, let the father know.
If he’s fine with that, continue to date without involving yourself at all in the child’s life.
If you want to keep things casual but he wants more, or if you’d like to pursue a deeper relationship as well but feel way too daunted by the circumstances, let him know that there’s a conflict of interest here.
Tell him that, while you like him just fine, the situation is simply too much for you.
Don’t allow yourself to be backed into a situation that you can’t handle.
If you’re willing to commit to a long-term relationship and become part of the child’s life, find out as much as you can about what you’re walking into.
Ask other people in similar circumstances about their own experiences.
Seek professional help about what to expect.
Find out more about the child and their mother, both from the father and from any other mutual acquaintances you may have for a more rounded view.
Every situation is different, so learn as much as you can about your own before taking the bigger plunge. -
Step 3: Accept second place in the beginning.
-
Step 4: Know that you’re beginning more than one relationship.
-
Step 5: Expect the unexpected.
-
Step 6: Realize that you won’t be sharing “firsts.” Whether you’re hoping to marry the father and/or have children of your own
-
Step 7: accept the fact that the father has already achieved one or both of these milestones.
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Step 8: Reassess your needs.
Detailed Guide
Assess your own needs.
Know from the start what you truly expect from this relationship.
Ask yourself whether you intend to pursue and commit to a lifelong relationship with the father or whether you’re only interested in a casual relationship.
Whether the father is a widower, a divorcee, or a parent out of wedlock, know that he’s most likely in a period of mourning for his previous relationship.Also be aware that men are more likely than women to hide their feelings,so don’t assume everything’s fine just because he says it is.
If you’re interested in pursuing a longterm relationship, invite him to openly discuss his loss.
Use your conversations to evaluate how well he’s coping with it., Embrace early on that his child should be his #1 priority.
Be flexible when scheduling your own quality time with him.Appreciate the fact that his money should be earmarked first and foremost for his child’s needs.This may sound like a bummer, but think of it as an excellent way to judge the father’s character.
Whether he’s a widower, divorced, or otherwise estranged from the mother, imagine that you’re the mother in this situation.
Ask yourself if he’s acting as responsibly toward his child as you would expect him to act toward your own.
If he’s showering you with time, money, and attention while neglecting his kid, consider that a red flag.
Remember this is only temporary.
Look forward to becoming an equal member of the family as you gradually integrate over time. , If you’re expecting your relationship with the father to become permanent, be prepared to have one with the child and mother as well.Even if the mother has passed on or is largely absent from your own life, they will still maintain a large presence in both the father and child’s mind.Ask the father early on about the family’s history.
Learn about both the child and the mother before you meet them: their character, their interests, their strengths and weaknesses, etc.
Use the father’s answers to better understand the man you’re dating.
For instance, while he may have criticisms about the mother that are perfectly valid, be wary if he places 100% of the blame for everything that’s ever gone wrong entirely on her.
Judge for yourself how well he’s able to assess a situation objectively and accept responsibility for his part in it. , Know that you’ll be facing many more variables than you would be in a relationship with a single man without children.
Understand that the father’s relationship with the mother may change over time, for better or for worse.
Appreciate the fact that the child’s thoughts and feelings may alter as well, both as they age and as your own status in their lives changes.
Expect to face far more stress and challenges than you’ve grown accustomed to in childless relationships.Think positively! While it’s important to be realistic about the situation that you’re entering, don’t let challenges and stress dissuade you from pursuing a future with the father if you think it’s worth it.
Remember that challenges met and overcome can be rewarding experiences in their own right. , Ask yourself how much importance you really place on reaching these steps together as mutual “firsts” in your life journey.At the same time, consider the fact that you’ll have a partner who has prior concrete experience with things that, for now, are only hypothetical for you personally.
Whether it’s committing to a long-term relationship or having another child, you’ll have a partner with more intimate knowledge about the situation as a whole and what to expect, as well as more self-knowledge about his own capabilities in that situation. , Once you’ve considered the reality of dating a single father, reevaluate what you honestly need from a relationship.
Based on that, ask yourself if you can really expect those needs to be fulfilled in these circumstances.
Decide then whether to walk away or continue dating.
If you’re only seeking a casual relationship, let the father know.
If he’s fine with that, continue to date without involving yourself at all in the child’s life.
If you want to keep things casual but he wants more, or if you’d like to pursue a deeper relationship as well but feel way too daunted by the circumstances, let him know that there’s a conflict of interest here.
Tell him that, while you like him just fine, the situation is simply too much for you.
Don’t allow yourself to be backed into a situation that you can’t handle.
If you’re willing to commit to a long-term relationship and become part of the child’s life, find out as much as you can about what you’re walking into.
Ask other people in similar circumstances about their own experiences.
Seek professional help about what to expect.
Find out more about the child and their mother, both from the father and from any other mutual acquaintances you may have for a more rounded view.
Every situation is different, so learn as much as you can about your own before taking the bigger plunge.
About the Author
Jacqueline Rivera
Brings years of experience writing about practical skills and related subjects.
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