How to Discuss Your Future Marriage During Your Engagement
Make time for discussions., Talk face-to-face., Use a counselor., Start the conversation., Raise your concerns., Use “I” statements., Speak regularly about your marriage.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Make time for discussions.
If you want to have a serious discussion with your partner about your future marriage, take some steps to make sure that it can go well.
Set aside time when neither of you is distracted or needs to rush off anywhere.
If either of you has kids, have a babysitter watch them to give you plenty of time to talk together.
Find a time when both of you are relaxed and can focus on communicating.Schedule a time to talk so that it’s not spontaneous or out of the blue. -
Step 2: Talk face-to-face.
Make opportunities to talk in person.
Don’t make a habit of bringing up difficult topics through emails, phone calls, or in text messages.
If you have something important to say to your partner, make sure you speak in-person.You can, however, send a text message or say during a phone call, “Do you have time to talk later tonight? There’s something I’d like to discuss together.” , Whether you want to see a therapist or a spiritual mentor, premarital counseling can help you discuss the workings of your future marriage.
This is an opportunity to consider what your marriage may be like with the help of another person’s perspective.
A counselor can help guide your conversations about marriage and ask meaningful questions to consider as you move closer to marriage.
Seeing a counselor has the added benefit of being in a neutral location and with a neutral person.
A premarital counselor may have you discuss topics such as finances, spiritual beliefs, family relationships, arguments and fighting, and the role of affection and sex., If you need to talk to your partner but are not sure how to initiate the conversation, do a bit of planning.
You may want to write down certain speaking points you have so that you don’t forget them.
Don’t spring important conversations on your partner and instead, make them cooperative conversations.Say, “It’s important for us to be on the same page when entering our marriage.
I’d like to spend some time talking about our lives together and how we can better understand each other, and what we want for our marriage.” , Now is not the time to shy away or put off serious discussions about your future together.
If you have concerns about your partner’s habits (such as excessively playing video games or turning to alcohol to cope with feelings), now is the time to bring these concerns up and how they may affect your future marriage.There’s no perfect person or perfect marriage.
If you have serious concerns, decide whether they are deal breakers or livable problems.
For example, if your partner has kids, think about what it will be like to potentially live with the children at least part time, and if you’re ready for any changes to custody.
Say to your partner, “What is it going to be like with your child here? How do you enforce rules? What will my role be?” , As you discuss your future marriage, get into the habit of communicating in a positive and productive way.
Listen to your partner and understand what they say.
One way to do this is through using “I” statements.
Stay away from blaming statements and turn to statements about the self.
Using “I” statements help you stay away from assumptions and to speak clearly.
Instead of telling your partner the things they do that annoy you or frustrate you or that you’d like changed, say how things look from your side and how they make you feel.For example, instead of saying, “You’re not helping settle our new house! You’re not a helpful person” say instead, “I feel frustrated that I’m doing so much work for the new house.
Can we find a way to split the tasks?” , Talking about your marriage shouldn’t be a one-time discussion.
Keep your discussions ongoing.
You may wish to have one large discussion and follow-up many times afterward.
Don’t be afraid to bring up topics related to your marriage and discuss them openly.
Perhaps you and your partner can find time each week to work through details related to your future marriage. -
Step 3: Use a counselor.
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Step 4: Start the conversation.
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Step 5: Raise your concerns.
-
Step 6: Use “I” statements.
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Step 7: Speak regularly about your marriage.
Detailed Guide
If you want to have a serious discussion with your partner about your future marriage, take some steps to make sure that it can go well.
Set aside time when neither of you is distracted or needs to rush off anywhere.
If either of you has kids, have a babysitter watch them to give you plenty of time to talk together.
Find a time when both of you are relaxed and can focus on communicating.Schedule a time to talk so that it’s not spontaneous or out of the blue.
Make opportunities to talk in person.
Don’t make a habit of bringing up difficult topics through emails, phone calls, or in text messages.
If you have something important to say to your partner, make sure you speak in-person.You can, however, send a text message or say during a phone call, “Do you have time to talk later tonight? There’s something I’d like to discuss together.” , Whether you want to see a therapist or a spiritual mentor, premarital counseling can help you discuss the workings of your future marriage.
This is an opportunity to consider what your marriage may be like with the help of another person’s perspective.
A counselor can help guide your conversations about marriage and ask meaningful questions to consider as you move closer to marriage.
Seeing a counselor has the added benefit of being in a neutral location and with a neutral person.
A premarital counselor may have you discuss topics such as finances, spiritual beliefs, family relationships, arguments and fighting, and the role of affection and sex., If you need to talk to your partner but are not sure how to initiate the conversation, do a bit of planning.
You may want to write down certain speaking points you have so that you don’t forget them.
Don’t spring important conversations on your partner and instead, make them cooperative conversations.Say, “It’s important for us to be on the same page when entering our marriage.
I’d like to spend some time talking about our lives together and how we can better understand each other, and what we want for our marriage.” , Now is not the time to shy away or put off serious discussions about your future together.
If you have concerns about your partner’s habits (such as excessively playing video games or turning to alcohol to cope with feelings), now is the time to bring these concerns up and how they may affect your future marriage.There’s no perfect person or perfect marriage.
If you have serious concerns, decide whether they are deal breakers or livable problems.
For example, if your partner has kids, think about what it will be like to potentially live with the children at least part time, and if you’re ready for any changes to custody.
Say to your partner, “What is it going to be like with your child here? How do you enforce rules? What will my role be?” , As you discuss your future marriage, get into the habit of communicating in a positive and productive way.
Listen to your partner and understand what they say.
One way to do this is through using “I” statements.
Stay away from blaming statements and turn to statements about the self.
Using “I” statements help you stay away from assumptions and to speak clearly.
Instead of telling your partner the things they do that annoy you or frustrate you or that you’d like changed, say how things look from your side and how they make you feel.For example, instead of saying, “You’re not helping settle our new house! You’re not a helpful person” say instead, “I feel frustrated that I’m doing so much work for the new house.
Can we find a way to split the tasks?” , Talking about your marriage shouldn’t be a one-time discussion.
Keep your discussions ongoing.
You may wish to have one large discussion and follow-up many times afterward.
Don’t be afraid to bring up topics related to your marriage and discuss them openly.
Perhaps you and your partner can find time each week to work through details related to your future marriage.
About the Author
Cheryl Hughes
Enthusiastic about teaching organization techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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