How to Get Self Confidence After a Husband Cheats
Question and reframe self-blaming thoughts., Avoid negative thinking., Regain a sense of control., Establish boundaries about what you want., Remember that you are worthy of love., Set measurable goals to move forward and regain confidence.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Question and reframe self-blaming thoughts.
Your husband did not cheat because you weren't good enough, so try to avoid dwelling on what you could or should have done to prevent it.
If these thoughts arise, then take a moment to challenge them by asking questions and then rephrase the thought into something more realistic.
When you start to have a self-blaming thought, then try taking a moment to question the thought and reframe it.
For example, if you notice yourself thinking, “This is all my fault!” then you might ask yourself questions like, “Is that really true? Could I have prevented this or am I just being hard on myself? What is my evidence? What might be a more realistic way of thinking about this?” Then you could rephrase the thought into something like, “I wish I could have prevented his actions, but there is no way that I could have.
I am not to blame for what happened.” Try to remind yourself that your husband's actions are his, not yours.
Don't assume that you are the cause of his actions. -
Step 2: Avoid negative thinking.
Try to avoid thinking about the betrayal 24/7 and instead focus on re-establishing your positive emotions about yourself.
When you find yourself thinking about the negative aspects of your relationship or yourself, take a step back and breath.When a negative thought is triggered, it may make you feel sad.
For example, you see a picture of you and your husband after knowing he has cheated, and then you think about how you aren't worthy of love.
You feel sad and upset.
Focus on replacing those negative thoughts that are triggered with positive ones, or at least reframing the situation.
For example, you see a picture of you and your husband after knowing he has cheated, and then you think, I know that there were some good times, but I deserve better than this.
You feel calm and confident. , You don't have to feel powerless in this situation.
Regain control of your self-confidence by finding out what you want and who you are.
Your husband should not control the nature of your relationship.
Both of you determine this.
Focus on what is going well in your life.
Identify areas that are going well, and things you can be proud of.
Address things that are within your control that you feel you can change for the better.
Focus on your needs.
Prioritize yourself. , Whether you are staying together or considering separation, you may need some space to reflect on the situation.
Tell your husband or other family members in your life that this is a time of reflection and evaluation.
Tell them clearly and concisely that you need to figure out your needs and what may need to change.These boundaries may mean that you want to do something in the evening for yourself.
Maybe you find someone to watch the kids, while you go to a place that is quiet and relaxing.
To set a boundary, try saying something like, “I need some time to think through what has happened, so I am going to spend a few of my evenings alone in my office over the next few weeks.
When I have the door shut, please do not disturb me, okay?” , You may feel angry, sad, anxious, or frustrated about what happened, but avoid seeing what you're feeling as permanent.
Know that you are worthy and deserve to be loved and respected.
Make a list of positive attributes.
In private, consider writing a list of positive, loveable attributes about you.
From that list, focus on three attributes to write more about.
Use a few paragraphs to explore who you are, using these three attributes.
Use this writing exercise as a statement of self-affirmation., You are strong and you can overcome this difficult time.
While it may be difficult to feel confidence, sometimes it takes motivation to try even when you don't feel it in your heart.
Consider trying to act more confident until you begin to believe it more and more within yourself.Set goals to feel confident with things that make you feel good about you.
Do these things for yourself and no one else.
These should be goals based on what matters to you, rather than your husband, family, or friends.
Identify areas where you think you already have competence, and then build from there.
For example, let's say you enjoy running, but only for a mile or two.
Think about an achievable goal like running in a 5K race in your community. -
Step 3: Regain a sense of control.
-
Step 4: Establish boundaries about what you want.
-
Step 5: Remember that you are worthy of love.
-
Step 6: Set measurable goals to move forward and regain confidence.
Detailed Guide
Your husband did not cheat because you weren't good enough, so try to avoid dwelling on what you could or should have done to prevent it.
If these thoughts arise, then take a moment to challenge them by asking questions and then rephrase the thought into something more realistic.
When you start to have a self-blaming thought, then try taking a moment to question the thought and reframe it.
For example, if you notice yourself thinking, “This is all my fault!” then you might ask yourself questions like, “Is that really true? Could I have prevented this or am I just being hard on myself? What is my evidence? What might be a more realistic way of thinking about this?” Then you could rephrase the thought into something like, “I wish I could have prevented his actions, but there is no way that I could have.
I am not to blame for what happened.” Try to remind yourself that your husband's actions are his, not yours.
Don't assume that you are the cause of his actions.
Try to avoid thinking about the betrayal 24/7 and instead focus on re-establishing your positive emotions about yourself.
When you find yourself thinking about the negative aspects of your relationship or yourself, take a step back and breath.When a negative thought is triggered, it may make you feel sad.
For example, you see a picture of you and your husband after knowing he has cheated, and then you think about how you aren't worthy of love.
You feel sad and upset.
Focus on replacing those negative thoughts that are triggered with positive ones, or at least reframing the situation.
For example, you see a picture of you and your husband after knowing he has cheated, and then you think, I know that there were some good times, but I deserve better than this.
You feel calm and confident. , You don't have to feel powerless in this situation.
Regain control of your self-confidence by finding out what you want and who you are.
Your husband should not control the nature of your relationship.
Both of you determine this.
Focus on what is going well in your life.
Identify areas that are going well, and things you can be proud of.
Address things that are within your control that you feel you can change for the better.
Focus on your needs.
Prioritize yourself. , Whether you are staying together or considering separation, you may need some space to reflect on the situation.
Tell your husband or other family members in your life that this is a time of reflection and evaluation.
Tell them clearly and concisely that you need to figure out your needs and what may need to change.These boundaries may mean that you want to do something in the evening for yourself.
Maybe you find someone to watch the kids, while you go to a place that is quiet and relaxing.
To set a boundary, try saying something like, “I need some time to think through what has happened, so I am going to spend a few of my evenings alone in my office over the next few weeks.
When I have the door shut, please do not disturb me, okay?” , You may feel angry, sad, anxious, or frustrated about what happened, but avoid seeing what you're feeling as permanent.
Know that you are worthy and deserve to be loved and respected.
Make a list of positive attributes.
In private, consider writing a list of positive, loveable attributes about you.
From that list, focus on three attributes to write more about.
Use a few paragraphs to explore who you are, using these three attributes.
Use this writing exercise as a statement of self-affirmation., You are strong and you can overcome this difficult time.
While it may be difficult to feel confidence, sometimes it takes motivation to try even when you don't feel it in your heart.
Consider trying to act more confident until you begin to believe it more and more within yourself.Set goals to feel confident with things that make you feel good about you.
Do these things for yourself and no one else.
These should be goals based on what matters to you, rather than your husband, family, or friends.
Identify areas where you think you already have competence, and then build from there.
For example, let's say you enjoy running, but only for a mile or two.
Think about an achievable goal like running in a 5K race in your community.
About the Author
Grace Phillips
Committed to making creative arts accessible and understandable for everyone.
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