How to Get Your Partner to Agree to Relationship Counselling
Find a quiet time when both of you can talk together freely., Ask politely and humbly., Point out how much you love and care about your partner., Avoid any abusive, blaming or personality-attacking comments., Listen attentively., Help your partner...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Find a quiet time when both of you can talk together freely.
Do not raise your wish to go to couple's counselling when in public or within the earshot of anyone else.
This is a very personal and private matter, just between both of you.
If anyone else is about, your partner may feel pressured and unable to explain his or her concerns, preferences and wants properly. -
Step 2: Ask politely and humbly.
Do not simply assume that counselling is a necessity and that everything will fall apart without it.
You cannot force your partner to do anything and having a mind set on counselling can make things harder should your partner refuse you.
Instead, have ready a list of reasons for why the counselling will benefit the two of you, as well as explaining what you hope the counselling will provide at the end for both of you as a couple.
Always begin with explaining why you think your relationship is important.
Point out the good aspects of your coupledom and the good you see in your partner.
Focus on the positives when explaining the good things that can be brought to the forefront of your marriage or partnership.
Things such as a fun, deeper understanding, greater sharing, happier times together, etc. , This is the main reason for making a good go of things, to use counselling to get both of you back to that loving place.
For example: "I love you and I want that love to be a big part of our relationship again.
I would like to try counselling because I love you.
I want to learn the skills that will let us both communicate well together."
When asking your partner, keep everything on an even keel, factual and compassionate.
Use your empathy to try to imagine how your partner feels about being asked to tag along and try to word your request in line with allaying possible fears, rebuttals and anger, depending on what you know about your partner. , Do not talk over, interrupt or argue with your partner.
Remember that you have had more time to digest this as a possible option and are already won over by it.
Your partner may simply need time to think it through, or may have firm ideas about counselling that need to be worked on together before an affirmative answer can be reached. , Even if your relationship "problems" are considered to be minor, both of you can learn new ways to problem solve that you may not have thought of before or learned skilfully.
Some things you might want to tell a partner who isn't convinced that counselling is appropriate for small problems include:
Dealing with small problems early with counselling can avert bigger problems snowballing from the smaller ones.
Going before it's "end of the tether" gives both of you plenty of breathing space and time to resolve problems amicably. , Rather, explain how counselling can give both of you the tools to make better decisions together and to connect at the same level even where you both don't see eye to eye about major issues.
It can help to point out that couples who go through counselling tend to emerge happier for it and find their lives together more complete., Your partner may object on the grounds of being "too old for new tricks".
Explain that age is no pre-condition for counselling and that it's ideal for partners of any age.
You'll need to convince your partner that it's perfectly normal to get counselling and that it is indeed a very healthy way of resolving problems and learning new relating skills.
It can really help some people to understand that they'll become more skillful as a result of counselling, not just seeing it as a "listening and feedback" device. , In order to encourage your partner to come along, try to match the counselling style to things that you think would entice your partner to get involved.
For example, art therapy might be one way to encourage a partner who is very creative to get involved in more creative problem-solving techniques.
Do some research before having a discussion with your partner about the counselling options.
Present a range of possible therapies that might be of interest.
Most importantly, give your partner time to go away and digest these options and come back with one that he or she prefers.
In this way, you can help your partner to feel invested in the process of choosing and therefore more committed to seeing it work out. , Compromise on something that your partner wants you to do, in return for the counselling.
Is there something that your partner keeps insisting that you do, that you would not mind using as leverage for making such a compromise? This might be agreeing to giving a little more space, letting your partner go on a vacation alone, agreeing to your partner changing jobs, getting help for an addiction or disorder that you may have, etc. in return for your partner attending counselling sessions with you.
If your partner is able to see that you've given up something that you've earlier resisted, this can demonstrate that you are extremely serious about mending the relationship and that counselling is a vital part of this. , Suggest that your partner attend at least one session of counselling, after which he or she is free to opt out with good reason. (Ask that the reason be explained clearly to you though, so that you can see what went wrong.) Giving your partner the chance to try before he or she buys into it, can alleviate a lot of the stress in making a decision to come along. , If, despite everything above, your partner still refuses to go to counselling, you should still go.
It will help you to see things from a healthier perspective and you will learn the coping and communicating skills that you're so dearly seeking.
Take these skills home and practice them on your partner.
The proof of the benefits will take on a real life of their own, right in front of his or her eyes.
Eventually, the results may just do enough of the convincing for you. -
Step 3: Point out how much you love and care about your partner.
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Step 4: Avoid any abusive
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Step 5: blaming or personality-attacking comments.
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Step 6: Listen attentively.
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Step 7: Help your partner to view early counselling as a useful bridge for problem solving.
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Step 8: Help your partner to see that counselling is not about telling him or her what to do or how to think.
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Step 9: Be aware that older partners may be of a more old-fashioned mindset that counselling is a sign of weakness or a reason to be embarrassed.
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Step 10: Seek out a counselling style that interests your partner.
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Step 11: Make a deal.
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Step 12: Give an out clause.
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Step 13: Go anyway.
Detailed Guide
Do not raise your wish to go to couple's counselling when in public or within the earshot of anyone else.
This is a very personal and private matter, just between both of you.
If anyone else is about, your partner may feel pressured and unable to explain his or her concerns, preferences and wants properly.
Do not simply assume that counselling is a necessity and that everything will fall apart without it.
You cannot force your partner to do anything and having a mind set on counselling can make things harder should your partner refuse you.
Instead, have ready a list of reasons for why the counselling will benefit the two of you, as well as explaining what you hope the counselling will provide at the end for both of you as a couple.
Always begin with explaining why you think your relationship is important.
Point out the good aspects of your coupledom and the good you see in your partner.
Focus on the positives when explaining the good things that can be brought to the forefront of your marriage or partnership.
Things such as a fun, deeper understanding, greater sharing, happier times together, etc. , This is the main reason for making a good go of things, to use counselling to get both of you back to that loving place.
For example: "I love you and I want that love to be a big part of our relationship again.
I would like to try counselling because I love you.
I want to learn the skills that will let us both communicate well together."
When asking your partner, keep everything on an even keel, factual and compassionate.
Use your empathy to try to imagine how your partner feels about being asked to tag along and try to word your request in line with allaying possible fears, rebuttals and anger, depending on what you know about your partner. , Do not talk over, interrupt or argue with your partner.
Remember that you have had more time to digest this as a possible option and are already won over by it.
Your partner may simply need time to think it through, or may have firm ideas about counselling that need to be worked on together before an affirmative answer can be reached. , Even if your relationship "problems" are considered to be minor, both of you can learn new ways to problem solve that you may not have thought of before or learned skilfully.
Some things you might want to tell a partner who isn't convinced that counselling is appropriate for small problems include:
Dealing with small problems early with counselling can avert bigger problems snowballing from the smaller ones.
Going before it's "end of the tether" gives both of you plenty of breathing space and time to resolve problems amicably. , Rather, explain how counselling can give both of you the tools to make better decisions together and to connect at the same level even where you both don't see eye to eye about major issues.
It can help to point out that couples who go through counselling tend to emerge happier for it and find their lives together more complete., Your partner may object on the grounds of being "too old for new tricks".
Explain that age is no pre-condition for counselling and that it's ideal for partners of any age.
You'll need to convince your partner that it's perfectly normal to get counselling and that it is indeed a very healthy way of resolving problems and learning new relating skills.
It can really help some people to understand that they'll become more skillful as a result of counselling, not just seeing it as a "listening and feedback" device. , In order to encourage your partner to come along, try to match the counselling style to things that you think would entice your partner to get involved.
For example, art therapy might be one way to encourage a partner who is very creative to get involved in more creative problem-solving techniques.
Do some research before having a discussion with your partner about the counselling options.
Present a range of possible therapies that might be of interest.
Most importantly, give your partner time to go away and digest these options and come back with one that he or she prefers.
In this way, you can help your partner to feel invested in the process of choosing and therefore more committed to seeing it work out. , Compromise on something that your partner wants you to do, in return for the counselling.
Is there something that your partner keeps insisting that you do, that you would not mind using as leverage for making such a compromise? This might be agreeing to giving a little more space, letting your partner go on a vacation alone, agreeing to your partner changing jobs, getting help for an addiction or disorder that you may have, etc. in return for your partner attending counselling sessions with you.
If your partner is able to see that you've given up something that you've earlier resisted, this can demonstrate that you are extremely serious about mending the relationship and that counselling is a vital part of this. , Suggest that your partner attend at least one session of counselling, after which he or she is free to opt out with good reason. (Ask that the reason be explained clearly to you though, so that you can see what went wrong.) Giving your partner the chance to try before he or she buys into it, can alleviate a lot of the stress in making a decision to come along. , If, despite everything above, your partner still refuses to go to counselling, you should still go.
It will help you to see things from a healthier perspective and you will learn the coping and communicating skills that you're so dearly seeking.
Take these skills home and practice them on your partner.
The proof of the benefits will take on a real life of their own, right in front of his or her eyes.
Eventually, the results may just do enough of the convincing for you.
About the Author
Douglas Hill
Writer and educator with a focus on practical cooking knowledge.
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