How to Improve Your Marriage
Build positive experiences together., Boost your knowledge of your spouse., Improve your sex life.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Build positive experiences together.
On average, happy couples have a ratio of 20 positive instances for every one negative.
Of course, during times of conflict
-- which all marriages will have
-- this ratio can be lower, but in general, the good should outweigh the bad.These positive experiences don’t have to be a grand vacation or huge romantic gesture.
Communicating with your spouse on a variety of levels, from the big issues to the quick “I love you”s, will help let your partner feel appreciated and acknowledged.Not making these small “bids for connection” can put you on a path to ruin.
Taking time to acknowledge moments together can also be helpful.
Humans have a bad tendency to ignore the positive things in our lives and remember only the negative things.
Practicing active gratitude for your time together will help you remember those positive experiences later.Leave little reminders of your love for the other person.
Stick a note in your spouse’s wallet or send a sexy email.
Offer to make her or him lunch for tomorrow, or surprise your spouse by doing a chore you know s/he hates.
These little things may seem cheesy or too small to make a difference, but they’re vital ways of connecting the two of you. -
Step 2: Boost your knowledge of your spouse.
Everyone wants to feel understood, but it can be easy when you’ve known someone a long time to believe that you know everything about him or her.
It may feel like you have nothing left to discover.
This is rarely true.
Make an effort to share your thoughts, concerns, favorite memories, dreams, and goals with your spouse
-- and invite him or her to do the same with you.Ask open-ended questions.
Dr.
Arthur Aron’s famous list of 36 questions could be very helpful for you to explore your partner’s views on life, dreams, hopes, and fears.
Questions like “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” or “What is your most treasured memory?” are specifically designed to promote intimacy and “interpersonal closeness.”Dr.
John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute also has many “conversation starter” tools available.Listen.
Don’t just hear your spouse’s words.
Listen to them.
Paying attention as your spouse talks will help you remember important information later.
For example, if your wife told you about the awful conversation she had with her sister the last time they spoke, you’ll have a better understanding of why she might not want to visit at the holidays.
You’ll be able to offer better support if you really listen when your spouse talks with you. , It’s natural for the heady excitement of sex to wear off as you spend more of your lives together
-- your body can’t keep up that same chemical rush nonstop forever.However, exploring you and your spouse’s sexual needs and desires can reinvigorate your marriage and help you feel more connected.Be open and non-judgmental when you talk about sex with your spouse.
It can be a frightening, guilt-inducing subject to discuss.
Let your spouse know that you really are interested in knowing what his/her fantasies are and what turns him/her on.
Studies show that couples have a more fulfilling sex life when they are interested in fulfilling their partner’s sexual needs
-- even if those needs aren’t things they need themselves.
This is called “sexual communal strength,” and it’s a hallmark of couples who keep a healthy, active sex life.
Explore together.
Discuss your fantasies together.
Try a new technique or sex toy.
Watch pornography together or read erotic stories together.
Focus on sex as a shared experience that brings both of you pleasure. -
Step 3: Improve your sex life.
Detailed Guide
On average, happy couples have a ratio of 20 positive instances for every one negative.
Of course, during times of conflict
-- which all marriages will have
-- this ratio can be lower, but in general, the good should outweigh the bad.These positive experiences don’t have to be a grand vacation or huge romantic gesture.
Communicating with your spouse on a variety of levels, from the big issues to the quick “I love you”s, will help let your partner feel appreciated and acknowledged.Not making these small “bids for connection” can put you on a path to ruin.
Taking time to acknowledge moments together can also be helpful.
Humans have a bad tendency to ignore the positive things in our lives and remember only the negative things.
Practicing active gratitude for your time together will help you remember those positive experiences later.Leave little reminders of your love for the other person.
Stick a note in your spouse’s wallet or send a sexy email.
Offer to make her or him lunch for tomorrow, or surprise your spouse by doing a chore you know s/he hates.
These little things may seem cheesy or too small to make a difference, but they’re vital ways of connecting the two of you.
Everyone wants to feel understood, but it can be easy when you’ve known someone a long time to believe that you know everything about him or her.
It may feel like you have nothing left to discover.
This is rarely true.
Make an effort to share your thoughts, concerns, favorite memories, dreams, and goals with your spouse
-- and invite him or her to do the same with you.Ask open-ended questions.
Dr.
Arthur Aron’s famous list of 36 questions could be very helpful for you to explore your partner’s views on life, dreams, hopes, and fears.
Questions like “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” or “What is your most treasured memory?” are specifically designed to promote intimacy and “interpersonal closeness.”Dr.
John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute also has many “conversation starter” tools available.Listen.
Don’t just hear your spouse’s words.
Listen to them.
Paying attention as your spouse talks will help you remember important information later.
For example, if your wife told you about the awful conversation she had with her sister the last time they spoke, you’ll have a better understanding of why she might not want to visit at the holidays.
You’ll be able to offer better support if you really listen when your spouse talks with you. , It’s natural for the heady excitement of sex to wear off as you spend more of your lives together
-- your body can’t keep up that same chemical rush nonstop forever.However, exploring you and your spouse’s sexual needs and desires can reinvigorate your marriage and help you feel more connected.Be open and non-judgmental when you talk about sex with your spouse.
It can be a frightening, guilt-inducing subject to discuss.
Let your spouse know that you really are interested in knowing what his/her fantasies are and what turns him/her on.
Studies show that couples have a more fulfilling sex life when they are interested in fulfilling their partner’s sexual needs
-- even if those needs aren’t things they need themselves.
This is called “sexual communal strength,” and it’s a hallmark of couples who keep a healthy, active sex life.
Explore together.
Discuss your fantasies together.
Try a new technique or sex toy.
Watch pornography together or read erotic stories together.
Focus on sex as a shared experience that brings both of you pleasure.
About the Author
Andrea Jordan
Creates helpful guides on practical skills to inspire and educate readers.
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