How to Love a Person You Feel Doesn't Deserve to Be Loved
Consider why you have chosen to see this person as unlovable., Realize that love is a very broad concept., Look for the good in the person., Bear in mind that love isn't conditional., Be realistic.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Consider why you have chosen to see this person as unlovable.
It may be because they have failed to return love to you on a number of occasions or consistently let you down.
Perhaps this person is angry, unkind, rude or even violent.
If this person reminds you of someone from your past who hurt you, it could be a case of transferring your dislike onto them.
Whatever the reason, it's important for you to try to work it out, because it is part of what is making things difficult for you.
Realize that you are making a judgment when you decide that this person doesn't deserve to be loved.
It's a harsh judgment to reach and if you wish to love this person, you'll need the courage to push past whatever discomfort or fears are causing you to dislike this person. -
Step 2: Realize that love is a very broad concept.
There is a love for humanity, a love for animals, a love for doing something you're passionate about, romantic love, parental love and so forth.
Love is also subjective.
When you are faced with someone you really don't feel deserves to be loved, it can help to broaden your sense of what love is, to realize that even if you don't like a person, it is still possible to draw on compassionate or general love and invoke this as the sort of love you can manage.
Hence, you love this person in a general, abstract way, not a close, concrete way.
Or, you may love the person through your faith's tenets, embracing all humankind.
For example, you may be dealing with a person who constantly lets you down.
You have really started to dislike this person (or at least their attitude and actions) but you feel the need to show that you still love them enough to give them another chance or to be there at the end of whatever they're going through.
In this instance, rather than forcing yourself to love this person like a sibling or friend, you might be able to find it possible to love this person's potential to be a better person, all while making sure that you don't suffer as a result of their unreliability or bad behavior again. , In spite of bad behavior, reprehensible actions and thoughtless words, there is often a modicum of goodness hidden under the tough exterior, the devil-may-care attitude or the selfish approach to life.
Consider looking for that as a way to help you care about what might be nurtured in this person if it's noticed and coaxed forth more.
It can help you to balance the negative behavior with a ray of hopeful light.
For example, if this person is arrogant and selfish in your eyes, try to find the kinder, gentler and more considerate actions.
Often arrogance is a cover for insecurity or fear about things and it may well be covering up this person's true talents and they're no longer able to access this part of themselves with ease.
By noticing that Ms Arrogant or Mr Selfish is kind to children, always stops to pat a dog or draws amazing pictures during work meetings, you might just have stumbled on their softer, more lovable self.
Bringing it out is a case of noticing, complimenting or commenting and making it clear it's something you'd like to see more of. , In other words, saying things such as: "If you loved me, you wouldn't do that" is actually a form of attaching a condition to the person's love.
Love happens as it happens, and doesn't make bargains.
However, it is equally important to understand that love doesn't excuse bad actions or attitude.
It is perfectly possible to love someone without condoning or accepting what they're doing or saying.
In other words, if you have confused love with perfection or forgiveness, then you will continue to have a hard time finding love for someone you feel doesn't deserve it.
Be careful of the standards you may be injecting into the concept of love and allow the love to be unconditional.
Make it clear that you will not put yourself in harm's way just because you have love for the person.
This is not about making love conditional, for the love is a separate issue, while the desire to see a person improve is a form of care and respect.
For example: "I love you teen son.
However, the impact your frequent partying is having on my life and your future concerns me a great deal.
I have decided that if there isn't a change by next April, I will not be funding your next year at college.
You are always my beloved son but I need to see a change in your attitude about your future for me to feel certain that you're going to be okay on your own."
Some people are unlovable precisely because they're set on a path of destruction and forcing others away.
In this case, trying to love may be an unrealistic attempt and the best you can do is have compassion or seek understanding without judgment.
In the worst case possible, where someone commits deadly crimes or commits violence, trying to love the person is likely to be unhealthy and counterproductive for your well-being and once again, the best you can do is to stand back and try to understand, in order to help yourself move on. -
Step 3: Look for the good in the person.
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Step 4: Bear in mind that love isn't conditional.
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Step 5: Be realistic.
Detailed Guide
It may be because they have failed to return love to you on a number of occasions or consistently let you down.
Perhaps this person is angry, unkind, rude or even violent.
If this person reminds you of someone from your past who hurt you, it could be a case of transferring your dislike onto them.
Whatever the reason, it's important for you to try to work it out, because it is part of what is making things difficult for you.
Realize that you are making a judgment when you decide that this person doesn't deserve to be loved.
It's a harsh judgment to reach and if you wish to love this person, you'll need the courage to push past whatever discomfort or fears are causing you to dislike this person.
There is a love for humanity, a love for animals, a love for doing something you're passionate about, romantic love, parental love and so forth.
Love is also subjective.
When you are faced with someone you really don't feel deserves to be loved, it can help to broaden your sense of what love is, to realize that even if you don't like a person, it is still possible to draw on compassionate or general love and invoke this as the sort of love you can manage.
Hence, you love this person in a general, abstract way, not a close, concrete way.
Or, you may love the person through your faith's tenets, embracing all humankind.
For example, you may be dealing with a person who constantly lets you down.
You have really started to dislike this person (or at least their attitude and actions) but you feel the need to show that you still love them enough to give them another chance or to be there at the end of whatever they're going through.
In this instance, rather than forcing yourself to love this person like a sibling or friend, you might be able to find it possible to love this person's potential to be a better person, all while making sure that you don't suffer as a result of their unreliability or bad behavior again. , In spite of bad behavior, reprehensible actions and thoughtless words, there is often a modicum of goodness hidden under the tough exterior, the devil-may-care attitude or the selfish approach to life.
Consider looking for that as a way to help you care about what might be nurtured in this person if it's noticed and coaxed forth more.
It can help you to balance the negative behavior with a ray of hopeful light.
For example, if this person is arrogant and selfish in your eyes, try to find the kinder, gentler and more considerate actions.
Often arrogance is a cover for insecurity or fear about things and it may well be covering up this person's true talents and they're no longer able to access this part of themselves with ease.
By noticing that Ms Arrogant or Mr Selfish is kind to children, always stops to pat a dog or draws amazing pictures during work meetings, you might just have stumbled on their softer, more lovable self.
Bringing it out is a case of noticing, complimenting or commenting and making it clear it's something you'd like to see more of. , In other words, saying things such as: "If you loved me, you wouldn't do that" is actually a form of attaching a condition to the person's love.
Love happens as it happens, and doesn't make bargains.
However, it is equally important to understand that love doesn't excuse bad actions or attitude.
It is perfectly possible to love someone without condoning or accepting what they're doing or saying.
In other words, if you have confused love with perfection or forgiveness, then you will continue to have a hard time finding love for someone you feel doesn't deserve it.
Be careful of the standards you may be injecting into the concept of love and allow the love to be unconditional.
Make it clear that you will not put yourself in harm's way just because you have love for the person.
This is not about making love conditional, for the love is a separate issue, while the desire to see a person improve is a form of care and respect.
For example: "I love you teen son.
However, the impact your frequent partying is having on my life and your future concerns me a great deal.
I have decided that if there isn't a change by next April, I will not be funding your next year at college.
You are always my beloved son but I need to see a change in your attitude about your future for me to feel certain that you're going to be okay on your own."
Some people are unlovable precisely because they're set on a path of destruction and forcing others away.
In this case, trying to love may be an unrealistic attempt and the best you can do is have compassion or seek understanding without judgment.
In the worst case possible, where someone commits deadly crimes or commits violence, trying to love the person is likely to be unhealthy and counterproductive for your well-being and once again, the best you can do is to stand back and try to understand, in order to help yourself move on.
About the Author
Ronald Thomas
A seasoned expert in lifestyle and practical guides, Ronald Thomas combines 9 years of experience with a passion for teaching. Ronald's guides are known for their clarity and practical value.
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