How to Mend a Marriage After an Affair
Assess the reasons for cheating., Fall on your sword., Apologize., Apologize often., Answer questions honesty., Be an open book., If it hasn't happened already, break off contact with this other person on the telephone, in front of your spouse...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Assess the reasons for cheating.
You must internally examine your motivations, your reasoning, and your rationales.
These things don't happen in a vacuum.
What caused you to stray? Were you lonely in your marriage? Was it laziness in your marriage
- were one or both of you becoming complacent and bored? Were you flattered by the attention of the person you cheated with? Why would you risk everything for an affair with that person? Honestly appraising your own actions will help you avoid these triggers in the future. , Once it's out in the open, do not defend yourself.
Take full responsibility and don't try to deflect any of this back onto your spouse.
Saying things like, "If you had just tried harder to understand me," or other stuff like that will not help you now.
The time to examine the roots of your infidelity and explore it with your spouse is later.
But in the first moments of discovery, the best thing for you to do if you truly want your marriage to survive is simply accept all blame. , Sounds pretty simple, but do remember that just mumbling "Sorry" is not a good apology.
Your spouse is going to be shocked beyond belief, hurt, angry and frightened.
Make a sincere, heartfelt, and serious apology, right away.
Ask for forgiveness, and vow never to repeat the behavior.
Understand that your apology probably won't comfort your partner, but the absence of a sincere apology will do damage. , No, this is not an erroneous repeat.
When you confess an action like this, your spouse is going to need a lot of time to process the truth of your betrayal.
That's right
- let's call it what it is.
You had a lot of chances to make different decisions, but the one you made to become emotionally or sexually involved with someone else is the one you are dealing with now.
Your spouse, for the first several days, weeks, or even months, is going to need to hear your apology many times, and each time needs to be as sincere and heartfelt as the first.
If you truly want to repair your marriage, you will need to accept your spouse's need to hear you express your sorrow and regret many times, and in many ways.
Saying, "I've said I'm sorry a million times
- what does s/he want? Blood?" will not mend your marriage.
But saying, "I would give anything not to have been so stupid, and seeing how much pain I've caused, I am so very sorry and I know it will take time for you to believe me that it will never happen again" will help.
Even if you're saying it for the millionth time. , Your spouse will have a lot of questions to ask you.
Be willing to answer all of them candidly, with the exception of the details of your sexual behavior.
Describing these details to your spouse can imprint painful images in their mind, that are seldom useful. , Don't hesitate to show phone records, texts, emails, Facebook chats, etc.
DO NOT erase them ASAP to "save" your spouse from hurt feelings.
This will only increase the fears that you are "hiding something."
Make it clear to this person that your spouse is present, but you are, in no way, feeling "pressured" to terminate contact with them.
This is your own choice.
Assert your dedication to healing your marriage.
Be clear that you will not have contact again, or if this is impossible (if they are a work colleague or relative), spell out the boundaries you will put around this contact. , This is not a "negative sign" about your feelings toward your spouse.
If the affair was ongoing, you may have strong feelings toward this person, even a sense of loyalty to them, or even feelings of betraying them (!) by ending it.
This is not unusual, and it is part of the process of mending things in your marriage.
Your feelings are your feelings.
Recognize them, and move on.
If your feelings for your affair partner are strong, and your spouse's negative feeling are equally strong, you may be tempted to seek comfort by "just talking" to your affair partner about what you are going through.
This will not mend your marriage.
Talk to a counselor instead, to talk out your feelings. , If your spouse is not inclined to forgive you immediately, you will need to accept that.
Professionals compare an affair to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Your partner may be experiencing intrusive thoughts and images, high anxiety, panicky feelings, confusion, etc.
Your spouse is going to need time to process the information, and get through all of the emotions and pain you've caused.
It takes time
- you wouldn't expect someone with a broken leg to get over it and go water-skiing with you the following weekend.
Just the same way, your partner is going to need time and space and support in order to come through this ordeal whole. , If you were a rather absent spouse before, you will need to change your behavior.
Being present in the relationship will be key to restoring your marriage to health. , S/he will take a lot of shots at you.
You will need to allow your partner to take those shots and not fire back, at least not in the first couple of volleys.
However, don't allow this to continue for more than a couple or three remarks per episode, or to escalate.
Do understand the anger and try to defuse it with nonviolent communication.
If that doesn't work, say "I want to work things out.
I don't want to fight.
Your words are hurting my feelings," and walk away for the time being.
Your spouse may think s/he feels better after having attacked you, but verbal abuse is not healthy to either of you.
You don't want to reinforce the idea that you will forever be the "bad guy" if you want to marriage to heal.
Just be patient, and don't be surprised when those insulting remarks surface.
Turn the tides in a positive direction, if you can, by trying to hear the hurt beneath the words, or don't respond. , Instead of making a big deal of having constant "sensitive chats," just reaching over at the breakfast table, putting your hand over his or hers and saying, "How are we doing?" and motioning at both of you can let your spouse know that you are interested and concerned with whatever feelings are being processed today.
If the response is, "Not that good today," just pat the hand or try to put a little kiss on the cheek with an understanding nod and say, "Okay.
Let me know what you need and I'll do my best." If the response is, "Good today," then smile broadly and give your spouse a little kiss on the lips.
Say, "Yay!" and suggest a date, like a walk, a trip to the beach, a picnic.
You know
- romantic stuff that you used to do when you were first courting.
That's what you need to do again, because just as you did in the beginning, you need to win the object of your love again. , Giving him or her a lot of leeway is important right now.
Don't press for sex.
Don't insist on a football party for Super Bowl Sunday.
Don't bug him or her if s/he just wants to sit in the yard and meditate, even if you're bored to death.
Go with the flow for the immediate future. , Trust is given easily
- we fall in love and give our hearts, and we don't question whether or not the person we love is worthy of our trust.
We simply trust that person with all our heart.
But once this trust is broken, rebuilding it will take time, and is likely to have many set-backs.
Think of trust as a beautiful, delicate, vase made of crystal clear blown glass.
It is a marvel that something so delicate and lovely holds water, can be the vessel for the stuff of life itself, and that it can last forever if lovingly cared for.
It can be broken, however, if you are careless, and though you may be able to glue it back together, you will always see the cracks.
It may be able to stand on its own again, hold water, and be all it once was to both of you, but there will always be visible reminders of the break.
These cracks can serve you if you let them.
They can remind you why it is best to remain faithful and keep your vows.
However, you may want to try not to rebuild the same fragile relationship.
You can never go back to this fragile, fully trusting state.
Accept this.
Now is the time to rebuild a container that may not be like the original, but can be stronger, more resilient, if you do the hard work to heal. -
Step 2: Fall on your sword.
-
Step 3: Apologize.
-
Step 4: Apologize often.
-
Step 5: Answer questions honesty.
-
Step 6: Be an open book.
-
Step 7: If it hasn't happened already
-
Step 8: break off contact with this other person on the telephone
-
Step 9: in front of your spouse.
-
Step 10: Recognize that you might be experiencing a sense of deep loss when ending your affair.
-
Step 11: Allow time for recovery.
-
Step 12: Provide support and assurance.
-
Step 13: Prepare to be insulted or attacked - often.
-
Step 14: Take temperature readings.
-
Step 15: Let your spouse call most of the shots for the time being.
-
Step 16: Remember that you must deal with the consequences of this decision forever.
Detailed Guide
You must internally examine your motivations, your reasoning, and your rationales.
These things don't happen in a vacuum.
What caused you to stray? Were you lonely in your marriage? Was it laziness in your marriage
- were one or both of you becoming complacent and bored? Were you flattered by the attention of the person you cheated with? Why would you risk everything for an affair with that person? Honestly appraising your own actions will help you avoid these triggers in the future. , Once it's out in the open, do not defend yourself.
Take full responsibility and don't try to deflect any of this back onto your spouse.
Saying things like, "If you had just tried harder to understand me," or other stuff like that will not help you now.
The time to examine the roots of your infidelity and explore it with your spouse is later.
But in the first moments of discovery, the best thing for you to do if you truly want your marriage to survive is simply accept all blame. , Sounds pretty simple, but do remember that just mumbling "Sorry" is not a good apology.
Your spouse is going to be shocked beyond belief, hurt, angry and frightened.
Make a sincere, heartfelt, and serious apology, right away.
Ask for forgiveness, and vow never to repeat the behavior.
Understand that your apology probably won't comfort your partner, but the absence of a sincere apology will do damage. , No, this is not an erroneous repeat.
When you confess an action like this, your spouse is going to need a lot of time to process the truth of your betrayal.
That's right
- let's call it what it is.
You had a lot of chances to make different decisions, but the one you made to become emotionally or sexually involved with someone else is the one you are dealing with now.
Your spouse, for the first several days, weeks, or even months, is going to need to hear your apology many times, and each time needs to be as sincere and heartfelt as the first.
If you truly want to repair your marriage, you will need to accept your spouse's need to hear you express your sorrow and regret many times, and in many ways.
Saying, "I've said I'm sorry a million times
- what does s/he want? Blood?" will not mend your marriage.
But saying, "I would give anything not to have been so stupid, and seeing how much pain I've caused, I am so very sorry and I know it will take time for you to believe me that it will never happen again" will help.
Even if you're saying it for the millionth time. , Your spouse will have a lot of questions to ask you.
Be willing to answer all of them candidly, with the exception of the details of your sexual behavior.
Describing these details to your spouse can imprint painful images in their mind, that are seldom useful. , Don't hesitate to show phone records, texts, emails, Facebook chats, etc.
DO NOT erase them ASAP to "save" your spouse from hurt feelings.
This will only increase the fears that you are "hiding something."
Make it clear to this person that your spouse is present, but you are, in no way, feeling "pressured" to terminate contact with them.
This is your own choice.
Assert your dedication to healing your marriage.
Be clear that you will not have contact again, or if this is impossible (if they are a work colleague or relative), spell out the boundaries you will put around this contact. , This is not a "negative sign" about your feelings toward your spouse.
If the affair was ongoing, you may have strong feelings toward this person, even a sense of loyalty to them, or even feelings of betraying them (!) by ending it.
This is not unusual, and it is part of the process of mending things in your marriage.
Your feelings are your feelings.
Recognize them, and move on.
If your feelings for your affair partner are strong, and your spouse's negative feeling are equally strong, you may be tempted to seek comfort by "just talking" to your affair partner about what you are going through.
This will not mend your marriage.
Talk to a counselor instead, to talk out your feelings. , If your spouse is not inclined to forgive you immediately, you will need to accept that.
Professionals compare an affair to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Your partner may be experiencing intrusive thoughts and images, high anxiety, panicky feelings, confusion, etc.
Your spouse is going to need time to process the information, and get through all of the emotions and pain you've caused.
It takes time
- you wouldn't expect someone with a broken leg to get over it and go water-skiing with you the following weekend.
Just the same way, your partner is going to need time and space and support in order to come through this ordeal whole. , If you were a rather absent spouse before, you will need to change your behavior.
Being present in the relationship will be key to restoring your marriage to health. , S/he will take a lot of shots at you.
You will need to allow your partner to take those shots and not fire back, at least not in the first couple of volleys.
However, don't allow this to continue for more than a couple or three remarks per episode, or to escalate.
Do understand the anger and try to defuse it with nonviolent communication.
If that doesn't work, say "I want to work things out.
I don't want to fight.
Your words are hurting my feelings," and walk away for the time being.
Your spouse may think s/he feels better after having attacked you, but verbal abuse is not healthy to either of you.
You don't want to reinforce the idea that you will forever be the "bad guy" if you want to marriage to heal.
Just be patient, and don't be surprised when those insulting remarks surface.
Turn the tides in a positive direction, if you can, by trying to hear the hurt beneath the words, or don't respond. , Instead of making a big deal of having constant "sensitive chats," just reaching over at the breakfast table, putting your hand over his or hers and saying, "How are we doing?" and motioning at both of you can let your spouse know that you are interested and concerned with whatever feelings are being processed today.
If the response is, "Not that good today," just pat the hand or try to put a little kiss on the cheek with an understanding nod and say, "Okay.
Let me know what you need and I'll do my best." If the response is, "Good today," then smile broadly and give your spouse a little kiss on the lips.
Say, "Yay!" and suggest a date, like a walk, a trip to the beach, a picnic.
You know
- romantic stuff that you used to do when you were first courting.
That's what you need to do again, because just as you did in the beginning, you need to win the object of your love again. , Giving him or her a lot of leeway is important right now.
Don't press for sex.
Don't insist on a football party for Super Bowl Sunday.
Don't bug him or her if s/he just wants to sit in the yard and meditate, even if you're bored to death.
Go with the flow for the immediate future. , Trust is given easily
- we fall in love and give our hearts, and we don't question whether or not the person we love is worthy of our trust.
We simply trust that person with all our heart.
But once this trust is broken, rebuilding it will take time, and is likely to have many set-backs.
Think of trust as a beautiful, delicate, vase made of crystal clear blown glass.
It is a marvel that something so delicate and lovely holds water, can be the vessel for the stuff of life itself, and that it can last forever if lovingly cared for.
It can be broken, however, if you are careless, and though you may be able to glue it back together, you will always see the cracks.
It may be able to stand on its own again, hold water, and be all it once was to both of you, but there will always be visible reminders of the break.
These cracks can serve you if you let them.
They can remind you why it is best to remain faithful and keep your vows.
However, you may want to try not to rebuild the same fragile relationship.
You can never go back to this fragile, fully trusting state.
Accept this.
Now is the time to rebuild a container that may not be like the original, but can be stronger, more resilient, if you do the hard work to heal.
About the Author
Sarah Gutierrez
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow creative arts tutorials.
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