How to Prevent Past Sexual Trauma from Ruining Your Marriage
Recognize how sexual trauma affects well-being., Acknowledge and accept your trauma., Reflect on your emotions about the trauma., Reframe the situation., See a therapist., Tell your spouse how you are feeling., Reassure them that your feelings...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Recognize how sexual trauma affects well-being.
Realize that survivors of sexual trauma will reflect a wide range of effects.
While some people may have coped well and have few mental health concerns, others may continue to struggle and have many mental health concerns.
The effects of sexual trauma can include a variation of factors, such as: how much trauma you were exposed to, the severity of the trauma, the type of relationship you had with the person who abused you and how close you were to them, how long the sexual trauma lasted, how others you trusted reacted to the sexual abuse (if you told them, did they believe you?).
Some signs of how sexual trauma can negatively impact your overall well-being include:
Inability to trust others.
Sexual trauma could impair your view of the world, and decrease your ability to trust and feel safe with others.
Even if the person you may be with is a reliable and trustworthy individual.
Having a low self-esteem or low self-worth.
This can be because you feel ashamed and blame yourself for the abuse, even though it was not your fault.
Or maybe you are having feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, because no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can’t seem to feel good about yourself or have any hope for a positive future.
Decreased healthy coping skills because of a lack of hope and feelings of low self-worth.
Negative feelings from past sexual trauma can make it difficult to deal with normal daily stressors.
You may have increased irritability or agitation, along with the inability to properly control your anger.
Some sexual trauma victims may react to situations impulsively without thinking through the consequences, leading to risky behaviors.
Dissociation (in more severe situations).
This is when the survivor's mind will “separate” from the painful events as a way of protection.
You feel like the world you're in is not real, as if you are having an out of body experience.
Sometimes this might happen if the trauma survivor is triggered by something, and disassociations may happen as a reaction to the pain and fear.
If you recognize any of these reactions to prior trauma, it is imperative that you seek help. -
Step 2: Acknowledge and accept your trauma.
Recognize that the way you’re feeling right now is normal.
Don’t deny your experience or try to ignore it.
Addressing the past is a necessary first step towards healing in the present.Remind yourself that the traumatic event was not your fault.
After the fact, it’s easy to think of ways you could have prevented the event from happening, but remember that you didn’t have that information at the time. , Even if your trauma was not recent, emotions from the event may still be affecting you today.
Make time to reflect on your feelings non-judgmentally, and think about how they could be affecting your marriage and other aspects of your life now.Sexual assault and similar traumas can bring out a range of strong emotions, such as anger, shame, and regret.
Explore your feelings by journaling or writing yourself a letter.
You can also talk through the issue with someone you trust, such as your spouse or a close friend. , If you still feel powerless and scared after the trauma, take action to reclaim your agency.
Join a support group where you can talk to other survivors about your experiences, and reach out to help others by volunteering or supporting a friend in need.
When you no longer feel helpless, you will be able to heal more quickly., The deep-seated trauma of sexual abuse or assault is often difficult to overcome alone.
Make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in helping survivors of abuse.
They can help you recover from the trauma itself, as well as any other mental health problems that may have developed afterwards as a result.While individual therapy is always a good idea, consider seeking out couples therapy, too.
Couples therapy can teach you and your spouse to communicate better, and it may help you feel closer as you work together to overcome your past trauma. , Let your spouse know what you are going through emotionally on a day-to-day basis.
Don’t assume they know how you’re doing – they probably don’t, and this can make them feel frustrated and shut out.For instance, you could say, “I’ve been having a hard time letting people touch me lately, but I still love you and want to be close to you.
Can we just sit and talk for a while?” Don’t feel like you’re nagging or burdening your spouse when you tell them about your feelings.
Communication is essential for keeping your marriage healthy.
Connecting with your spouse, and even including your spouse in your therapy as soon as possible.
This is an effective protective measure you can take to prevent the negative impact of sexual trauma and to properly heal. , Your spouse may feel hurt or confused when you turn down sex or get caught up in bad memories of the past.
Let them know that your trauma doesn’t have anything to do with them, and that you’re grateful for their emotional support.For instance, you might say gently, "Honey, I want you to know how much I want to connect with you.
I'm just having a hard time right now.
I know this must be frustrating for you, but please be patient with me." Many people who haven’t experienced sexual trauma don’t understand how far-reaching its effects can be.
Don’t be offended if your spouse can’t fully empathize with what you’re going through – it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. , Couples therapy can help your spouse gain a better understanding of how you feel.
Individual and couples therapy combined will help with the following:
Overcoming persistent negative thoughts and feelings, such as self-blaming, feeling shame, guilt or low self-esteem and self-worth.
Overcoming unhealthy coping skills you may have developed like self-harming, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other compulsive and impulsive behaviors.
Identifying, developing, and utilizing healthy positive coping skills to help you build your trust, and setting healthy boundaries within your relationship.
Addressing any other mental health problems that may have developed as a result of the sexual trauma like depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc. , Your spouse plays an important role in your recovery, so help them know how to help you.
Let them know what they can do to make you feel safe and loved.For instance, you might need to talk through your feelings, or you might want to work on non-sexual touch like hugging and massage.
Say something like, "I really need to be held right now.
Can we cuddle?" Involving your spouse in your recovery can help them feel less helpless and frustrated about the situation. , Focusing on the present moment can help you feel more comfortable and centered during sex with your spouse.
You can establish the habit of mindfulness by meditating every day.Mindfulness can help prevent both flashbacks and dissociation. , If you’re not ready to have sex yet, use non-sexual touch to rebuild intimacy with your spouse.
Work on getting comfortable with cuddling, hugging, and giving each other massages.Discuss what you’re comfortable with ahead of time, to make sure your spouse understands what you can handle. , If you don’t feel comfortable engaging in a particular sexual activity, let your spouse know.
As you become more comfortable with intimacy, you can slowly re-introduce these activities, if you and your spouse both want to.Have this discussion beforehand.
For instance, you two might sit down and check in regularly about your sexual intimacy.
However, it's also a good idea to remind your spouse of your boundary in the moment.
You might gently say, "Honey, remember I told you I don't feel comfortable with that."
It may be a good idea to come up with a safe word (e.g. "Red" or "Too hot") for when you become uncomfortable during physical intimacy.
Agree with your partner on how and when you can use the safe word.Use the safe word if any sexual act triggers flashbacks from your sexual trauma.
You can use this so your partner knows that you need time to regroup and cope with any anxiety that may occur. , If you dissociate or start to feel anxious during sex, let your spouse know.
If you need to stop or do something different, tell them so.
Don’t just wait and hope your spouse realizes what you need–good communication is a big part of feeling safe during intimacy.Despite being clear about what you do and don't want outside the heat of the moment, it can still be helpful to talk with your spouse during intimacy.
For instance, you might say things like "Yes, that feels good" to express your pleasure. -
Step 3: Reflect on your emotions about the trauma.
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Step 4: Reframe the situation.
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Step 5: See a therapist.
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Step 6: Tell your spouse how you are feeling.
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Step 7: Reassure them that your feelings aren't related to them.
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Step 8: Consider seeking couples therapy.
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Step 9: Talk with your spouse about what you need.
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Step 10: Practice mindfulness.
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Step 11: Start with non-sexual intimacy.
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Step 12: Set boundaries for which activities you are willing to do.
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Step 13: Use a safe word.
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Step 14: Communicate during intimacy.
Detailed Guide
Realize that survivors of sexual trauma will reflect a wide range of effects.
While some people may have coped well and have few mental health concerns, others may continue to struggle and have many mental health concerns.
The effects of sexual trauma can include a variation of factors, such as: how much trauma you were exposed to, the severity of the trauma, the type of relationship you had with the person who abused you and how close you were to them, how long the sexual trauma lasted, how others you trusted reacted to the sexual abuse (if you told them, did they believe you?).
Some signs of how sexual trauma can negatively impact your overall well-being include:
Inability to trust others.
Sexual trauma could impair your view of the world, and decrease your ability to trust and feel safe with others.
Even if the person you may be with is a reliable and trustworthy individual.
Having a low self-esteem or low self-worth.
This can be because you feel ashamed and blame yourself for the abuse, even though it was not your fault.
Or maybe you are having feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, because no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can’t seem to feel good about yourself or have any hope for a positive future.
Decreased healthy coping skills because of a lack of hope and feelings of low self-worth.
Negative feelings from past sexual trauma can make it difficult to deal with normal daily stressors.
You may have increased irritability or agitation, along with the inability to properly control your anger.
Some sexual trauma victims may react to situations impulsively without thinking through the consequences, leading to risky behaviors.
Dissociation (in more severe situations).
This is when the survivor's mind will “separate” from the painful events as a way of protection.
You feel like the world you're in is not real, as if you are having an out of body experience.
Sometimes this might happen if the trauma survivor is triggered by something, and disassociations may happen as a reaction to the pain and fear.
If you recognize any of these reactions to prior trauma, it is imperative that you seek help.
Recognize that the way you’re feeling right now is normal.
Don’t deny your experience or try to ignore it.
Addressing the past is a necessary first step towards healing in the present.Remind yourself that the traumatic event was not your fault.
After the fact, it’s easy to think of ways you could have prevented the event from happening, but remember that you didn’t have that information at the time. , Even if your trauma was not recent, emotions from the event may still be affecting you today.
Make time to reflect on your feelings non-judgmentally, and think about how they could be affecting your marriage and other aspects of your life now.Sexual assault and similar traumas can bring out a range of strong emotions, such as anger, shame, and regret.
Explore your feelings by journaling or writing yourself a letter.
You can also talk through the issue with someone you trust, such as your spouse or a close friend. , If you still feel powerless and scared after the trauma, take action to reclaim your agency.
Join a support group where you can talk to other survivors about your experiences, and reach out to help others by volunteering or supporting a friend in need.
When you no longer feel helpless, you will be able to heal more quickly., The deep-seated trauma of sexual abuse or assault is often difficult to overcome alone.
Make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in helping survivors of abuse.
They can help you recover from the trauma itself, as well as any other mental health problems that may have developed afterwards as a result.While individual therapy is always a good idea, consider seeking out couples therapy, too.
Couples therapy can teach you and your spouse to communicate better, and it may help you feel closer as you work together to overcome your past trauma. , Let your spouse know what you are going through emotionally on a day-to-day basis.
Don’t assume they know how you’re doing – they probably don’t, and this can make them feel frustrated and shut out.For instance, you could say, “I’ve been having a hard time letting people touch me lately, but I still love you and want to be close to you.
Can we just sit and talk for a while?” Don’t feel like you’re nagging or burdening your spouse when you tell them about your feelings.
Communication is essential for keeping your marriage healthy.
Connecting with your spouse, and even including your spouse in your therapy as soon as possible.
This is an effective protective measure you can take to prevent the negative impact of sexual trauma and to properly heal. , Your spouse may feel hurt or confused when you turn down sex or get caught up in bad memories of the past.
Let them know that your trauma doesn’t have anything to do with them, and that you’re grateful for their emotional support.For instance, you might say gently, "Honey, I want you to know how much I want to connect with you.
I'm just having a hard time right now.
I know this must be frustrating for you, but please be patient with me." Many people who haven’t experienced sexual trauma don’t understand how far-reaching its effects can be.
Don’t be offended if your spouse can’t fully empathize with what you’re going through – it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. , Couples therapy can help your spouse gain a better understanding of how you feel.
Individual and couples therapy combined will help with the following:
Overcoming persistent negative thoughts and feelings, such as self-blaming, feeling shame, guilt or low self-esteem and self-worth.
Overcoming unhealthy coping skills you may have developed like self-harming, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other compulsive and impulsive behaviors.
Identifying, developing, and utilizing healthy positive coping skills to help you build your trust, and setting healthy boundaries within your relationship.
Addressing any other mental health problems that may have developed as a result of the sexual trauma like depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc. , Your spouse plays an important role in your recovery, so help them know how to help you.
Let them know what they can do to make you feel safe and loved.For instance, you might need to talk through your feelings, or you might want to work on non-sexual touch like hugging and massage.
Say something like, "I really need to be held right now.
Can we cuddle?" Involving your spouse in your recovery can help them feel less helpless and frustrated about the situation. , Focusing on the present moment can help you feel more comfortable and centered during sex with your spouse.
You can establish the habit of mindfulness by meditating every day.Mindfulness can help prevent both flashbacks and dissociation. , If you’re not ready to have sex yet, use non-sexual touch to rebuild intimacy with your spouse.
Work on getting comfortable with cuddling, hugging, and giving each other massages.Discuss what you’re comfortable with ahead of time, to make sure your spouse understands what you can handle. , If you don’t feel comfortable engaging in a particular sexual activity, let your spouse know.
As you become more comfortable with intimacy, you can slowly re-introduce these activities, if you and your spouse both want to.Have this discussion beforehand.
For instance, you two might sit down and check in regularly about your sexual intimacy.
However, it's also a good idea to remind your spouse of your boundary in the moment.
You might gently say, "Honey, remember I told you I don't feel comfortable with that."
It may be a good idea to come up with a safe word (e.g. "Red" or "Too hot") for when you become uncomfortable during physical intimacy.
Agree with your partner on how and when you can use the safe word.Use the safe word if any sexual act triggers flashbacks from your sexual trauma.
You can use this so your partner knows that you need time to regroup and cope with any anxiety that may occur. , If you dissociate or start to feel anxious during sex, let your spouse know.
If you need to stop or do something different, tell them so.
Don’t just wait and hope your spouse realizes what you need–good communication is a big part of feeling safe during intimacy.Despite being clear about what you do and don't want outside the heat of the moment, it can still be helpful to talk with your spouse during intimacy.
For instance, you might say things like "Yes, that feels good" to express your pleasure.
About the Author
Jennifer Kim
Experienced content creator specializing in cooking guides and tutorials.
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