How to React if You Learn Your Partner Is Married

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Find a private place to talk.

   If you decide to talk to your partner about the issue, you should arrange a time to discuss it in a private, quiet place.
   
   You may choose a neutral spot, such as a coffee shop or a park bench.
   
   Or you may invite your partner over to your home when you are alone so you can have a private conversation one on one.
   
   If possible, give yourself some time between when you find out the news and having this conversation.
   
   Allow time to collect your thoughts and try to identify your emotions.
   
   Try to talk in person with your partner, rather than on the phone or by text.
   
   This will ensure you can express your emotions clearly and sincerely to your partner face to face.
   
   Ask your partner, “Can we talk about the fact that you’re married?” or “Can we discuss your marriage and what this means for our relationship?”
2. 2

   Step 2: Tell your partner you know they are married.

   Begin the conversation by telling your partner you know they are married and explain how you found out.
   
   Perhaps you spoke to your partner's spouse or you discovered the information through a mutual friend.
   
   Be clear about what you know to your partner so you can start the discussion from a position of honesty.
   
   For example, you may tell your partner, "I know you are married," or, "I recently learned you are married." Even if you are embarrassed about the means by which you discovered that your partner is married, be honest about how you found out.
   
   Being honest about this, even if you feel you did something wrong (such as look at their private email), can begin to shift the dynamic of the relationship toward truth and honesty. , Once you and your partner are alone, explain how you are feeling about the situation.
   
   Use “I” statements so your partner understands how you feel and can listen to what you have to say.
   
   Speak clearly and calmly in a regular tone of voice.
   
   This will ensure you and your partner have a productive conversation.For example, you may say, “I am feeling upset about your marriage.
   
   I feel as though I do not know what this means for our relationship.” Or you may say, “I am angry that you did not tell me you were married before we started seeing each other.
   
   I feel as though you were not honest with me and this makes me feel betrayed.” , You may struggle to talk to your partner about this issue in a calm tone of voice.
   
   This is totally normal and okay.
   
   You may need to take a five minute break (or longer) from the conversation to gain your composure and calm your emotions.
   
   Tell your partner, “I need a break from this conversation,” or, “I need some time alone to process this.
   
   Let’s talk another time.”You may need a few minutes to gain your composure and continue the talk.
   
   Or you may need a few days.
   
   Tell your partner they need to respect your needs and give you time to process the situation.
   
   You can then contact your partner when you are ready to talk again.
   
   It may also take several conversations for you to get a grasp on how you feel about the situation and how you want to proceed. , You and your married partner should end the talk by coming up with next steps together.
   
   You will need to determine what you want from the situation and tell your partner what you want.
   
   You and your partner should then agree to a plan of action moving forward so you are both on the same page.For example, you may tell your partner, “I am not comfortable with being with a married partner.
   
   Would you ever consider ending your marriage so we can be together?” or “Can we agree to be honest and open with each other moving forward? I am not expecting you to leave your spouse.
   
   But I need us to be completely honest from now on.” If you cannot agree on the next steps, then you should consider ending the relationship.
   
   You may be tempted to go against your values in an attempt to save the relationship, but you need to do what is right for you.
   
   Doing something that doesn't feel right to you can lead to serious regrets down the line.
3. 3

   Step 3: Explain how you are feeling with “I” statements.

4. 4

   Step 4: Take a break if you get upset.

5. 5

   Step 5: Come up with next steps with your partner.

Detailed Guide

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