How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
Check off the symptoms of abusive or manipulative partners., Keep your ear to the ground for troubling stories or rumors about your partner., Keep your friends close -- especially if he/she is trying to cut them out of the picture., Show excessive...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Check off the symptoms of abusive or manipulative partners.
Read over the following bullets.
Answer honestly and without justifying your partner's behavior (don't say "Well, she's not like that ALL the time," or "It's only happened once or twice--" if it happened at all it's an issue!).
Simply answer yes or no.
Even 3-4 yeses mean it is time to get out and get with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Does your partner::
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance? Tell you what you can and cannot wear? Tell you what you need to do with your hair? Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you? Treat you roughly without your consent
- grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how they feel or act? Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want
- like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"? -
Step 2: Keep your ear to the ground for troubling stories or rumors about your partner.
Hearing multiple versions of the "same" story? Do their friends tell you things about your partner that you've never heard, or that your partner flat-out contradicted? Half-truths and selective memories often mean they're shaping the "truth" for you.
This is a major red-flag for manipulation, and you best get to the bottom of it.
When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies.
There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.
If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction.
Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse/significant other said and what your friends say.
If there are a lot of them, call him/her out on them.
If his/her reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. , Cutting you off from the friends and family helps her/him gain dominance over you.
Then, because they are so terrible, they make you think that it's your decision to leave them.
If they're constantly talking behind your friends' backs, making jokes about your family, or making a big scene every time you leave to be with pals, then screw that relationship and move on.
Controlling people love to make tension and drama.
They'll stir up the pot by pushing people, acting passive aggressive, and initiating conflict.
Then, like "innocent" little children by a broken lamp, they'll put their hands up and blame it on your friends and family.
It's much easier for him/her to control you when you've decided there is too much tension between your loved ones and your mate, and soon, you have no one but her/him to turn to. , If your partner is protective of you, that's sweet.
If they're bizarrely over-protective, it's scary and super annoying.
Does she/he interrogate you if you aren't home exactly on time, or if you go out for any reason? Do they question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Does your partner tell you that you don't care about them if you spend time with a friend? A little jealousy is normal, even cute.
But it shouldn't affect your daily relationships.
Jealousy means they don't trust you.
And if they don't trust you, they aren't worth dating. , It's okay for your partner to be two hours late, but you get attacked if you're five minutes off schedule? It's "perfectly innocent" when they flirt but you're accused of infidelity for saying "Hey?" If you save money then you're being too stingy, if you spend it you're careless with money.
No matter what you do, you are at fault
-- and this kind of bullcrap can't stand.
These are just games meant to screw with your head, and are common in controlling-manipulative relationships.
You're not going to win, so don't play the game.
Get out! , He/she does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness.
They tell you they realize they were wrong, and promises to change.
They seem utterly sincere and convincing — and this is what makes them such master manipulators.
They're using you
-- the compassionate, kind one-- and turning your kindness against you.
Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again.
Then watch as they apologize again, rinse, and repeat.
At this point he/she may even tearfully say she/he wants your help to change, particularly if you have let them know that you will not tolerate such things again.
They may bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet again.
It's up to you whether to give them a second chance or not.
If they betray your trust again, though, cut through the crap and cut them out of your life. -
Step 3: Keep your friends close -- especially if he/she is trying to cut them out of the picture.
-
Step 4: Show excessive jealousy or possessiveness the door.
-
Step 5: Walk out on double standards and can't-win situations.
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Step 6: Ignore their sweet
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Step 7: fake attempts to make nice.
Detailed Guide
Read over the following bullets.
Answer honestly and without justifying your partner's behavior (don't say "Well, she's not like that ALL the time," or "It's only happened once or twice--" if it happened at all it's an issue!).
Simply answer yes or no.
Even 3-4 yeses mean it is time to get out and get with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Does your partner::
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals? Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance? Tell you what you can and cannot wear? Tell you what you need to do with your hair? Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you? Treat you roughly without your consent
- grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be? Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Blame you for how they feel or act? Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? Prevent you from doing things you want
- like spending time with your friends or family? Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Hearing multiple versions of the "same" story? Do their friends tell you things about your partner that you've never heard, or that your partner flat-out contradicted? Half-truths and selective memories often mean they're shaping the "truth" for you.
This is a major red-flag for manipulation, and you best get to the bottom of it.
When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies.
There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.
If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction.
Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse/significant other said and what your friends say.
If there are a lot of them, call him/her out on them.
If his/her reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. , Cutting you off from the friends and family helps her/him gain dominance over you.
Then, because they are so terrible, they make you think that it's your decision to leave them.
If they're constantly talking behind your friends' backs, making jokes about your family, or making a big scene every time you leave to be with pals, then screw that relationship and move on.
Controlling people love to make tension and drama.
They'll stir up the pot by pushing people, acting passive aggressive, and initiating conflict.
Then, like "innocent" little children by a broken lamp, they'll put their hands up and blame it on your friends and family.
It's much easier for him/her to control you when you've decided there is too much tension between your loved ones and your mate, and soon, you have no one but her/him to turn to. , If your partner is protective of you, that's sweet.
If they're bizarrely over-protective, it's scary and super annoying.
Does she/he interrogate you if you aren't home exactly on time, or if you go out for any reason? Do they question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Does your partner tell you that you don't care about them if you spend time with a friend? A little jealousy is normal, even cute.
But it shouldn't affect your daily relationships.
Jealousy means they don't trust you.
And if they don't trust you, they aren't worth dating. , It's okay for your partner to be two hours late, but you get attacked if you're five minutes off schedule? It's "perfectly innocent" when they flirt but you're accused of infidelity for saying "Hey?" If you save money then you're being too stingy, if you spend it you're careless with money.
No matter what you do, you are at fault
-- and this kind of bullcrap can't stand.
These are just games meant to screw with your head, and are common in controlling-manipulative relationships.
You're not going to win, so don't play the game.
Get out! , He/she does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness.
They tell you they realize they were wrong, and promises to change.
They seem utterly sincere and convincing — and this is what makes them such master manipulators.
They're using you
-- the compassionate, kind one-- and turning your kindness against you.
Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again.
Then watch as they apologize again, rinse, and repeat.
At this point he/she may even tearfully say she/he wants your help to change, particularly if you have let them know that you will not tolerate such things again.
They may bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet again.
It's up to you whether to give them a second chance or not.
If they betray your trust again, though, cut through the crap and cut them out of your life.
About the Author
Debra Clark
Creates helpful guides on lifestyle to inspire and educate readers.
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