How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself After a Breakup
Acknowledge the pain., Tell loved ones how you feel., Indulge your emotions., Make a plan., Allow yourself to feel better., Seek professional help., Think about the things you want in your life., Make time to do things you enjoy., Spend time with...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Acknowledge the pain.
Whether you are the one breaking off the relationship, or the one being broken up with, the loss of your relationship will usually hurt.
Spend time being upset (sad, angry, anxious, etc.) and allow your mind and body to process your breakup.
To give yourself the space to do this, spend some time alone and let yourself feel your emotions.Emotional pain should be taken seriously.
In some studies, the brains of emotionally distressed people show the same symptoms as a brain withdrawing from cocaine. -
Step 2: Tell loved ones how you feel.
Once you have acknowledged your feelings, you should express them.
Talk to friends and family about your feelings concerning the breakup.
While perpetual self-pity does little to help you feel better, studies show that talking about your situation helps you process it.
This leads to a faster recovery from the breakup., Watch movies that relate to your situation.
Make a “breakup playlist” to listen to.
Read books about similar breakup situations.
The goal is to identify something, a movie, a song, a book ― anything that reflects how you feel.Try to limit indulging your emotions to an hour.
Plan to indulge your emotions at a convenient time, such as in the evening after you finish work.
Don’t indulge your emotions right before you have to go do something important or see people, such as before work or during your lunch break.
This can cause you to feel emotionally fragile when you need to be at your best. , While you need to have time to heal, you certainly don’t want that to take your entire life.
Set a date that signifies the end of your grieving period and the beginning of the rest of your life.
You can also make a list of steps that you will take to be happy once the grieving period is over., Sometimes, allowing yourself to feel better might feel more like forcing yourself to feel better.
Once you have had time to heal, you have to stick to your plan and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
This means any thoughts like “I am unlovable” or “I don’t deserve a good relationship” should be avoided.
When you catch yourself thinking negative things like that, correct them by thinking “That’s not true, I do deserve to be happy and be loved.” , If you are unable to maintain a healthy lifestyle during the grieving period (e.g. going to work, eating, sleeping) you may need to seek a therapist to help you through this time.
Ask for referrals from friends and family, or talk to your doctor about the situation.
A therapist can help you create and execute a plan to recover mentally and emotionally.Seek a mental health professional immediately if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else. , Start by analyzing your failed relationship.
Ask yourself what parts of the relationship were in line with your expectations, and which parts were one.
Also consider what you want out of your career and social life.
This kind of self reflection can help you see how the relationship hindered your personal growth, and can give you something positive to think about instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
Some example questions might be things like:
Where do you want to live? What are your expectations of a partner? What field do you want to work in? Do you want to travel a lot? , Be selfish.
Treat yourself to movies and social events that you find interesting.
Eat at your favorite restaurants.
Do exactly what brings you joy.
This serves two purposes.
The first is to make you happy, and the second is to meet people with common interests., You need to feel emotionally connected to other people.
Make plans to go out with friends.
You could also use this time to make new friends, for example, the people you meet when you go out to do the things you enjoy most., As you are doing things you enjoy, remember to appreciate yourself for who you are.
Recognizing yourself as a valuable and loveable person makes it much easier to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Refuse to spend time with people that make you feel unappreciated or feel sorry for yourself.
Try writing yourself a letter from the perspective of a caring friend.
In the letter, tell yourself everything that you value about you.
What makes you special? Your kindness? Creativity? Loyalty? What might a supportive friend say to you?Read your letter after you finish writing it and allow the compassion in the letter to build you up.
Keep this letter and read it whenever you are feeling down. , You should take time to heal before jumping into another relationship.
That said, at some point you should start to consider what you want out of your next relationship.
When you feel ready, start going on dates. , Social media stalking is sure to prolong your emotional distress.
Knowing your ex partner’s every move will keep you hanging onto your former relationship.
Deleting or unfriending your ex-partner outright can look immature, but you can block their posts and updates instead.
Do this with all of your social media accounts., Regardless of how or why the relationship ended, you and your ex-partner aren’t likely to be on the same page when it comes to your former relationship.
It can be awkward to try and converse with someone who either has feelings you don’t, or vice versa.
If you need to discuss the terms of the breakup (for example, who’s keeping the dog) then address only those issues.
Idle chatting can be avoided., Even after something as serious as infidelity, many couples have been able to successfully reconcile and rebuild their relationships.If you think that this might be an option for you and your ex-partner, then try arranging a time to discuss it.
To reconcile with your partner, it is important to establish better communication.
Being able to communicate effectively will increase your chances of reconciling and rebuilding your relationship.Meeting with a therapist can help you and your ex to determine if reconciling is the best option for you.
A therapist an also help you to improve your communication. , If you do begin talking with your ex again, make sure that you are using assertive communication strategies.
This will help you to feel better about yourself and make your needs known.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive.
Assertiveness is about standing up for yourself in a way that still shows respect for other people.Some things you can try include:
Using “I” statements to express feelings, such as saying, “I felt angry when you said you wanted to break up.” Making direct requests, such as “Will you please call me if you are going to be late?”Saying “No.” Even telling someone “No” when you cannot or do not want to do something can help.
You can just say “No,” or “No, I can’t do that.” Don’t feel like you have to list a bunch of excuses because you don’t. -
Step 3: Indulge your emotions.
-
Step 4: Make a plan.
-
Step 5: Allow yourself to feel better.
-
Step 6: Seek professional help.
-
Step 7: Think about the things you want in your life.
-
Step 8: Make time to do things you enjoy.
-
Step 9: Spend time with friends.
-
Step 10: Value yourself.
-
Step 11: Consider dating.
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Step 12: Hide their social media profiles from your pages.
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Step 13: Avoid small talk.
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Step 14: Consider reconciling.
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Step 15: Use assertive communication to express yourself.
Detailed Guide
Whether you are the one breaking off the relationship, or the one being broken up with, the loss of your relationship will usually hurt.
Spend time being upset (sad, angry, anxious, etc.) and allow your mind and body to process your breakup.
To give yourself the space to do this, spend some time alone and let yourself feel your emotions.Emotional pain should be taken seriously.
In some studies, the brains of emotionally distressed people show the same symptoms as a brain withdrawing from cocaine.
Once you have acknowledged your feelings, you should express them.
Talk to friends and family about your feelings concerning the breakup.
While perpetual self-pity does little to help you feel better, studies show that talking about your situation helps you process it.
This leads to a faster recovery from the breakup., Watch movies that relate to your situation.
Make a “breakup playlist” to listen to.
Read books about similar breakup situations.
The goal is to identify something, a movie, a song, a book ― anything that reflects how you feel.Try to limit indulging your emotions to an hour.
Plan to indulge your emotions at a convenient time, such as in the evening after you finish work.
Don’t indulge your emotions right before you have to go do something important or see people, such as before work or during your lunch break.
This can cause you to feel emotionally fragile when you need to be at your best. , While you need to have time to heal, you certainly don’t want that to take your entire life.
Set a date that signifies the end of your grieving period and the beginning of the rest of your life.
You can also make a list of steps that you will take to be happy once the grieving period is over., Sometimes, allowing yourself to feel better might feel more like forcing yourself to feel better.
Once you have had time to heal, you have to stick to your plan and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
This means any thoughts like “I am unlovable” or “I don’t deserve a good relationship” should be avoided.
When you catch yourself thinking negative things like that, correct them by thinking “That’s not true, I do deserve to be happy and be loved.” , If you are unable to maintain a healthy lifestyle during the grieving period (e.g. going to work, eating, sleeping) you may need to seek a therapist to help you through this time.
Ask for referrals from friends and family, or talk to your doctor about the situation.
A therapist can help you create and execute a plan to recover mentally and emotionally.Seek a mental health professional immediately if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else. , Start by analyzing your failed relationship.
Ask yourself what parts of the relationship were in line with your expectations, and which parts were one.
Also consider what you want out of your career and social life.
This kind of self reflection can help you see how the relationship hindered your personal growth, and can give you something positive to think about instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
Some example questions might be things like:
Where do you want to live? What are your expectations of a partner? What field do you want to work in? Do you want to travel a lot? , Be selfish.
Treat yourself to movies and social events that you find interesting.
Eat at your favorite restaurants.
Do exactly what brings you joy.
This serves two purposes.
The first is to make you happy, and the second is to meet people with common interests., You need to feel emotionally connected to other people.
Make plans to go out with friends.
You could also use this time to make new friends, for example, the people you meet when you go out to do the things you enjoy most., As you are doing things you enjoy, remember to appreciate yourself for who you are.
Recognizing yourself as a valuable and loveable person makes it much easier to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Refuse to spend time with people that make you feel unappreciated or feel sorry for yourself.
Try writing yourself a letter from the perspective of a caring friend.
In the letter, tell yourself everything that you value about you.
What makes you special? Your kindness? Creativity? Loyalty? What might a supportive friend say to you?Read your letter after you finish writing it and allow the compassion in the letter to build you up.
Keep this letter and read it whenever you are feeling down. , You should take time to heal before jumping into another relationship.
That said, at some point you should start to consider what you want out of your next relationship.
When you feel ready, start going on dates. , Social media stalking is sure to prolong your emotional distress.
Knowing your ex partner’s every move will keep you hanging onto your former relationship.
Deleting or unfriending your ex-partner outright can look immature, but you can block their posts and updates instead.
Do this with all of your social media accounts., Regardless of how or why the relationship ended, you and your ex-partner aren’t likely to be on the same page when it comes to your former relationship.
It can be awkward to try and converse with someone who either has feelings you don’t, or vice versa.
If you need to discuss the terms of the breakup (for example, who’s keeping the dog) then address only those issues.
Idle chatting can be avoided., Even after something as serious as infidelity, many couples have been able to successfully reconcile and rebuild their relationships.If you think that this might be an option for you and your ex-partner, then try arranging a time to discuss it.
To reconcile with your partner, it is important to establish better communication.
Being able to communicate effectively will increase your chances of reconciling and rebuilding your relationship.Meeting with a therapist can help you and your ex to determine if reconciling is the best option for you.
A therapist an also help you to improve your communication. , If you do begin talking with your ex again, make sure that you are using assertive communication strategies.
This will help you to feel better about yourself and make your needs known.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive.
Assertiveness is about standing up for yourself in a way that still shows respect for other people.Some things you can try include:
Using “I” statements to express feelings, such as saying, “I felt angry when you said you wanted to break up.” Making direct requests, such as “Will you please call me if you are going to be late?”Saying “No.” Even telling someone “No” when you cannot or do not want to do something can help.
You can just say “No,” or “No, I can’t do that.” Don’t feel like you have to list a bunch of excuses because you don’t.
About the Author
Ann Fox
Enthusiastic about teaching practical skills techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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