How to Talk to Your Boyfriend Who Has Alexithymia
Establish the facts., Decide what you want to accomplish., Choose your time and place carefully., Talk., Express your emotions., Ask your partner to express their emotion., Reach a conclusion., Create a process.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Establish the facts.
In a relationship, honesty, openness and mutual trust are imperative before entering into a dialogue.
You could ask your partner if they have a medical diagnosis, and if they are aware of any difficulties on the subject of emotions.
Alexithymia is known to overlap with a number of other autism spectrum disorders.
Don't judge, just make sure you are both talking about the same thing. , Before you start talking about it, think of what outcome you are trying to achieve.
Do you want your partner to acknowledge the problem? Do you want to find common ground? Or do you need to find a process you can both follow to satisfy your emotional needs?, If the issue of not being emotionally satisfied by your partner is important enough for you to talk about it, then it is also important enough for your partner.
They are your partner after all.
The fact that they are with you, shows that they care.
Do not start the conversation in passing, as a side note or in an unaccommodating setting.
The supermarket, a restaurant or the car are less than ideal places to have this conversation.
Don't start the conversation just as your partner is leaving for work or if you know they have something planned later in the evening.
Avoid announcing the conversation in advance.
Things like "Next Thursday we will talk about " might create anxiety and stress leading to a refusal to talk about anything.
On the other hand, if your partner needs time to think about their response, you can continue the conversation at a later time. , Sooner or later, you will have to open your mouth and start talking about it.
Consider immediately stating what's on your mind and what you think the two of you might do to remedy this.
Example:"Honey, I think you sometimes don't know what I'm feeling and it bothers me.
I think if we agree to do or , we could solve this together.
What do you think?"
If something has made you sad and you need your partner to hug you and tell you things will be alright, consider telling them exactly that, in words."Honey, I had a difficult day at work today.
That makes me sad and gives me stress.
Can you hug me and hold me and convince me that things will be better tomorrow?"
If you want to know what your partner is feeling, ask them.
Avoid doing this abruptly or angrily, as this may lead to them shutting off.
Instead, be supportive and understanding.
Use open questions such as "How does this make you feel?" rather than "Do you feel angry?"., It is important to let your partner know what you are thinking.
If you need more emotional support than you are receiving, they should be aware of this.
Once you have expressed the way you feel, make sure to end on a positive note.
Consider saying, "Thanks for understanding, that was what I needed." This will indicate that the things they've done have had a positive effect on the topic you brought up. , Consider implementing more readily understandable cues.
If you've had a bad day and are not getting the support you need, consider that a sad expression on your face may not be enough of a cue to your partner.
You could use code words or phrases such as "I need a brown umbrella" and agree that if either of you says that, the other should give you a hug and ask what's wrong.
Or agree that vacuuming means a need for emotional support, except on Tuesdays, the normal vacuuming day. -
Step 2: Decide what you want to accomplish.
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Step 3: Choose your time and place carefully.
-
Step 4: Express your emotions.
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Step 5: Ask your partner to express their emotion.
-
Step 6: Reach a conclusion.
-
Step 7: Create a process.
Detailed Guide
In a relationship, honesty, openness and mutual trust are imperative before entering into a dialogue.
You could ask your partner if they have a medical diagnosis, and if they are aware of any difficulties on the subject of emotions.
Alexithymia is known to overlap with a number of other autism spectrum disorders.
Don't judge, just make sure you are both talking about the same thing. , Before you start talking about it, think of what outcome you are trying to achieve.
Do you want your partner to acknowledge the problem? Do you want to find common ground? Or do you need to find a process you can both follow to satisfy your emotional needs?, If the issue of not being emotionally satisfied by your partner is important enough for you to talk about it, then it is also important enough for your partner.
They are your partner after all.
The fact that they are with you, shows that they care.
Do not start the conversation in passing, as a side note or in an unaccommodating setting.
The supermarket, a restaurant or the car are less than ideal places to have this conversation.
Don't start the conversation just as your partner is leaving for work or if you know they have something planned later in the evening.
Avoid announcing the conversation in advance.
Things like "Next Thursday we will talk about " might create anxiety and stress leading to a refusal to talk about anything.
On the other hand, if your partner needs time to think about their response, you can continue the conversation at a later time. , Sooner or later, you will have to open your mouth and start talking about it.
Consider immediately stating what's on your mind and what you think the two of you might do to remedy this.
Example:"Honey, I think you sometimes don't know what I'm feeling and it bothers me.
I think if we agree to do or , we could solve this together.
What do you think?"
If something has made you sad and you need your partner to hug you and tell you things will be alright, consider telling them exactly that, in words."Honey, I had a difficult day at work today.
That makes me sad and gives me stress.
Can you hug me and hold me and convince me that things will be better tomorrow?"
If you want to know what your partner is feeling, ask them.
Avoid doing this abruptly or angrily, as this may lead to them shutting off.
Instead, be supportive and understanding.
Use open questions such as "How does this make you feel?" rather than "Do you feel angry?"., It is important to let your partner know what you are thinking.
If you need more emotional support than you are receiving, they should be aware of this.
Once you have expressed the way you feel, make sure to end on a positive note.
Consider saying, "Thanks for understanding, that was what I needed." This will indicate that the things they've done have had a positive effect on the topic you brought up. , Consider implementing more readily understandable cues.
If you've had a bad day and are not getting the support you need, consider that a sad expression on your face may not be enough of a cue to your partner.
You could use code words or phrases such as "I need a brown umbrella" and agree that if either of you says that, the other should give you a hug and ask what's wrong.
Or agree that vacuuming means a need for emotional support, except on Tuesdays, the normal vacuuming day.
About the Author
Brittany Castillo
Enthusiastic about teaching pet care techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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