How to Forgive Someone Without Using Religion
Recognize how you are feeling, and let yourself feel it., Take responsibility for your part., Strive for empathy., Know what forgiveness means., Avoid rumination.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Recognize how you are feeling
When someone we care about lets us down, we often try to bottle up the resulting emotions.
We feel shame or embarrassed that we made ourselves vulnerable.
Perhaps, we feel angry at the other for betraying us.Name the emotion you are feeling and know that it's okay to feel it.
Research shows that experiencing negative emotions is just as healthy as positive emotions when it comes to understanding the complexities of life.To accept your emotions, breathe slowly and deeply
- in through your nose and out through your mouth
- as you think about how you feel.
What would you call this emotion? How does it feel in your body? If you had to color it what would the landscape look like? Another way to embrace negative emotions is to imagine them floating over your head like clouds.
Just like the weather, this reminds us that negative emotional states also come and go.
This bad feeling won't last forever. -
Step 2: and let yourself feel it.
This may be hard to do, but in order to move on you must be willing to accept some role in what you're feeling.
Of course, you didn't ask the person to hurt you or betray you.
You certainly didn't deserve it.
However, you are responsible for how you react to your circumstances.
And, when you accept that responsibility you can also accept the knowledge that you can learn and move on from this., All humans make mistakes because we are flawed beings.
Developing empathy means walking in the other person's shoes and recognizing his emotional experience of the situation.
Ask yourself these questions to strive for empathy:
Have you ever made a mistake that hurt someone? Why do you think this person hurt you? Was it intentional or accidental? How might this person feel as a result of hurting you? Would you want someone to extend forgiveness to you in a similar situation? , People are often hesitant to offer forgiveness because they misunderstand who it benefits.
While the other person may be pleased that you extended forgiveness, doing so is really for you.
It involves a shift in thinking from bitterness to one of goodwill towards the other.
Here are other common myths about forgiveness.Forgiveness means I must mend the relationship.
While you may certainly choose to mend the relationship, forgiveness does not require that.
It is simply removing the urge for revenge or ill-will from your heart against another.
Forgiveness means I must forget.
No, forgiveness requires acknowledging what happened, pondering the consequences, and deciding how you want to move forward.
We know we have forgiven when we can think about what happened and not feel resentment.
Forgiveness means I am excusing wrongdoing.
When you forgive someone you are not showing that it's okay to hurt others.
You are also not demonstrating that it does not hurt to be betrayed.
Forgiveness does not equal minimizing or justifying. , If you are truly going to move on, you must not continue to obsessively replay the betrayal over and over in your head.
Thinking about what happened and what you could have done may only serve to intensify your negative emotions.
Ruminating can even lead to depression.To overcome rumination, do the following:
Taking action could decrease your need to ruminate.
Grab a pen and paper and engage in problem-solving about the situation.
How can you minimize your potential to be betrayed in this way in the future? What mistakes did you make? How can you correct those mistakes? Make a plan to execute these changes.
Reappraise your assessment of the event.
Sometimes, we get hurt because we had overly high expectations of others, or we exaggerate their shortcomings.
Was the situation really as bad as you have been viewing it? Boost your self-esteem.
When we are betrayed our confidence takes a dip.
Reach out to a friend or loved one who knows you well and ask these people to help you identify your strengths and talents.
Being betrayed doesn't steal away your worth as a human.
Focus on the things you are good at. -
Step 3: Take responsibility for your part.
-
Step 4: Strive for empathy.
-
Step 5: Know what forgiveness means.
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Step 6: Avoid rumination.
Detailed Guide
When someone we care about lets us down, we often try to bottle up the resulting emotions.
We feel shame or embarrassed that we made ourselves vulnerable.
Perhaps, we feel angry at the other for betraying us.Name the emotion you are feeling and know that it's okay to feel it.
Research shows that experiencing negative emotions is just as healthy as positive emotions when it comes to understanding the complexities of life.To accept your emotions, breathe slowly and deeply
- in through your nose and out through your mouth
- as you think about how you feel.
What would you call this emotion? How does it feel in your body? If you had to color it what would the landscape look like? Another way to embrace negative emotions is to imagine them floating over your head like clouds.
Just like the weather, this reminds us that negative emotional states also come and go.
This bad feeling won't last forever.
This may be hard to do, but in order to move on you must be willing to accept some role in what you're feeling.
Of course, you didn't ask the person to hurt you or betray you.
You certainly didn't deserve it.
However, you are responsible for how you react to your circumstances.
And, when you accept that responsibility you can also accept the knowledge that you can learn and move on from this., All humans make mistakes because we are flawed beings.
Developing empathy means walking in the other person's shoes and recognizing his emotional experience of the situation.
Ask yourself these questions to strive for empathy:
Have you ever made a mistake that hurt someone? Why do you think this person hurt you? Was it intentional or accidental? How might this person feel as a result of hurting you? Would you want someone to extend forgiveness to you in a similar situation? , People are often hesitant to offer forgiveness because they misunderstand who it benefits.
While the other person may be pleased that you extended forgiveness, doing so is really for you.
It involves a shift in thinking from bitterness to one of goodwill towards the other.
Here are other common myths about forgiveness.Forgiveness means I must mend the relationship.
While you may certainly choose to mend the relationship, forgiveness does not require that.
It is simply removing the urge for revenge or ill-will from your heart against another.
Forgiveness means I must forget.
No, forgiveness requires acknowledging what happened, pondering the consequences, and deciding how you want to move forward.
We know we have forgiven when we can think about what happened and not feel resentment.
Forgiveness means I am excusing wrongdoing.
When you forgive someone you are not showing that it's okay to hurt others.
You are also not demonstrating that it does not hurt to be betrayed.
Forgiveness does not equal minimizing or justifying. , If you are truly going to move on, you must not continue to obsessively replay the betrayal over and over in your head.
Thinking about what happened and what you could have done may only serve to intensify your negative emotions.
Ruminating can even lead to depression.To overcome rumination, do the following:
Taking action could decrease your need to ruminate.
Grab a pen and paper and engage in problem-solving about the situation.
How can you minimize your potential to be betrayed in this way in the future? What mistakes did you make? How can you correct those mistakes? Make a plan to execute these changes.
Reappraise your assessment of the event.
Sometimes, we get hurt because we had overly high expectations of others, or we exaggerate their shortcomings.
Was the situation really as bad as you have been viewing it? Boost your self-esteem.
When we are betrayed our confidence takes a dip.
Reach out to a friend or loved one who knows you well and ask these people to help you identify your strengths and talents.
Being betrayed doesn't steal away your worth as a human.
Focus on the things you are good at.
About the Author
Carolyn Graham
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow pet care tutorials.
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