How to Get Through a Fight With a Close Friend
Identify the problem., Review your own behavior., Don’t vent to other friends., Ask your friend to meet as soon as possible., Avoid electronic communication before meeting., Be punctual and calm., Focus on the problem and not the people., Listen to...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Identify the problem.
Take some time to think about what exactly happened, what was said, and what the real issue is.
The eventual discussion will benefit from your thoughtfulness.
Sometimes this analysis is straightforward and easy, but other times it’s not as clear-cut.
For example, some fights seem to begin over a casual insult, but upon closer review, it becomes clear that this insult was merely a symptom of a greater, underlying problem.
Make sure that you’re thinking deeply about the problem and questioning its causes. -
Step 2: Review your own behavior.
Even if you think the conflict was caused by your friend’s wrongdoing, you should be sure to question your own part in the problem.
Chances are that you aren’t entirely blameless, and your conflict will get resolved much more quickly if you acknowledge your role in the conflict.
It can help to write about your feelings in a journal and reflect on them in this way.If you have a therapist who you see regularly, bring up the conflict during your session and request their feedback. , While it can be good to talk to disinterested parties like your parents or teachers, you should make a special effort not to discuss the conflict with friends.
Even if your friends mean well, it’s easy for communication to get garbled as it passes from one person to another, and the last thing you want is for the situation to worsen while you’re taking a break.This goes for social media venting as well.
Posting status updates on Facebook or heated tweeting will just further inflame the existing problem and even create new ones.If another friend asks you about your conflict, tell them you would like to talk about it but you don’t want to risk making the problem worse.
If they press you, ask them to respect your decision and change the subject. , Many times, the best way to resolve a conflict is the most direct way.Rather than catching your friend on the go, contact them with a request to meet at a specified time and date.
This will ensure that both of you are prepared for the meeting and that you’ll avoid unnecessary distractions, such as stress from work or school.
In addition to thinking carefully about the time of your meeting, you should also consider the venue.
Pick a neutral location like a public park or café so that neither of you feel like the other has an advantage. , While it can be tempting to chat on outlets like Facebook, Skype, SMS, or Snapchat, try to resist the impulse.
Even if neither of you says anything deliberately offensive, virtual modes of communication are notoriously susceptible to misunderstanding.It can help to make this an explicit ground rule so that you both of you are on the same page.
Tell your friend you think that you should avoid contact until your meeting so that nothing gets worse in the meantime and you enter the meeting with as clean a slate as possible., Show up to your meeting on time and in a calm state of mind.
Being on time shows your friend that you value their time and that yo are eager to work out your differences, and being calm will help you work through the problem without letting your emotions get in the way.If you feel worked up, try some quick de-stressing techniques like focused breathing or manipulating pressure points.If these don’t work, consider postponing your meeting, as sharp emotions can disrupt and delay an attempt at resolution.
Avoid alcohol or coffee as these substances can make you more emotionally volatile and jumpy. , Strive to keep the conversation focused on a particular event or issue rather than aiming insults or blame at one another.Use “I-statements” to explain your side of the argument.
Tell your friend how you’re feeling and what you think happened while focusing on your own actions and perceptions.
This will help you to avoid sounding accusatory and aggravating the problem.For example, you want to say, “That thing you said really hurt me and I am having a hard time getting over it,” rather than, “You really hurt me and I’m having a hard time forgiving you.” If you’re worried about staying on track, bring a “cheat sheet” to your meeting which outlines the most important points you want to cover.
Remind yourself not to get derailed by bringing up past arguments or offenses. , Just as your friend has shown you the courtesy to listen to your side, you should offer a respectful and patient ear to them.
Resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself, even if you disagree with their interpretation of events.
In a fair and reciprocal exchange, you’ll both be able to air your grievances and reach a better understanding.Restate what you believe the issue is to ensure that you and your friend are on the same page.
For example, you might say something like, "Ok, so you're saying that it wasn't what I said that was hurtful, but that you are embarrassed because I said it in front of other people?"
Part of maintaining a valuable friendship is understanding that you won’t always see eye-to-eye with your friends.
In other words, the two of you are friends not because you have all the same opinions, but because you value one another as people.It can help to periodically acknowledge how much you both appreciate your friendship throughout the resolution.
It’s a lot easier to discuss personal blame when you’re both consistently reaffirming that you care about one another and want to reach a resolution. , A meaningful resolution involves apologies from both parties.
This doesn’t mean that both of you are equally at fault nor that you must claim equal blame, but rather that both of you should acknowledge some blame in the creation of the problem.Don’t apologize if you will resent it later.
If you apologize solely for the sake of smoothing things over, you’ll resent it later and the original issue will remain unresolved.
So, rather than extending an insincere apology, take some more time to reflect on the problem before you meet again. , Discuss with your friend how you can both strive to avoid similar problems in the future.
You can consider a wide range of options for moving forward.
Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. -
Step 3: Don’t vent to other friends.
-
Step 4: Ask your friend to meet as soon as possible.
-
Step 5: Avoid electronic communication before meeting.
-
Step 6: Be punctual and calm.
-
Step 7: Focus on the problem and not the people.
-
Step 8: Listen to your friend.
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Step 9: Agree to disagree.
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Step 10: Apologize.
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Step 11: Create a plan for the future.
Detailed Guide
Take some time to think about what exactly happened, what was said, and what the real issue is.
The eventual discussion will benefit from your thoughtfulness.
Sometimes this analysis is straightforward and easy, but other times it’s not as clear-cut.
For example, some fights seem to begin over a casual insult, but upon closer review, it becomes clear that this insult was merely a symptom of a greater, underlying problem.
Make sure that you’re thinking deeply about the problem and questioning its causes.
Even if you think the conflict was caused by your friend’s wrongdoing, you should be sure to question your own part in the problem.
Chances are that you aren’t entirely blameless, and your conflict will get resolved much more quickly if you acknowledge your role in the conflict.
It can help to write about your feelings in a journal and reflect on them in this way.If you have a therapist who you see regularly, bring up the conflict during your session and request their feedback. , While it can be good to talk to disinterested parties like your parents or teachers, you should make a special effort not to discuss the conflict with friends.
Even if your friends mean well, it’s easy for communication to get garbled as it passes from one person to another, and the last thing you want is for the situation to worsen while you’re taking a break.This goes for social media venting as well.
Posting status updates on Facebook or heated tweeting will just further inflame the existing problem and even create new ones.If another friend asks you about your conflict, tell them you would like to talk about it but you don’t want to risk making the problem worse.
If they press you, ask them to respect your decision and change the subject. , Many times, the best way to resolve a conflict is the most direct way.Rather than catching your friend on the go, contact them with a request to meet at a specified time and date.
This will ensure that both of you are prepared for the meeting and that you’ll avoid unnecessary distractions, such as stress from work or school.
In addition to thinking carefully about the time of your meeting, you should also consider the venue.
Pick a neutral location like a public park or café so that neither of you feel like the other has an advantage. , While it can be tempting to chat on outlets like Facebook, Skype, SMS, or Snapchat, try to resist the impulse.
Even if neither of you says anything deliberately offensive, virtual modes of communication are notoriously susceptible to misunderstanding.It can help to make this an explicit ground rule so that you both of you are on the same page.
Tell your friend you think that you should avoid contact until your meeting so that nothing gets worse in the meantime and you enter the meeting with as clean a slate as possible., Show up to your meeting on time and in a calm state of mind.
Being on time shows your friend that you value their time and that yo are eager to work out your differences, and being calm will help you work through the problem without letting your emotions get in the way.If you feel worked up, try some quick de-stressing techniques like focused breathing or manipulating pressure points.If these don’t work, consider postponing your meeting, as sharp emotions can disrupt and delay an attempt at resolution.
Avoid alcohol or coffee as these substances can make you more emotionally volatile and jumpy. , Strive to keep the conversation focused on a particular event or issue rather than aiming insults or blame at one another.Use “I-statements” to explain your side of the argument.
Tell your friend how you’re feeling and what you think happened while focusing on your own actions and perceptions.
This will help you to avoid sounding accusatory and aggravating the problem.For example, you want to say, “That thing you said really hurt me and I am having a hard time getting over it,” rather than, “You really hurt me and I’m having a hard time forgiving you.” If you’re worried about staying on track, bring a “cheat sheet” to your meeting which outlines the most important points you want to cover.
Remind yourself not to get derailed by bringing up past arguments or offenses. , Just as your friend has shown you the courtesy to listen to your side, you should offer a respectful and patient ear to them.
Resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself, even if you disagree with their interpretation of events.
In a fair and reciprocal exchange, you’ll both be able to air your grievances and reach a better understanding.Restate what you believe the issue is to ensure that you and your friend are on the same page.
For example, you might say something like, "Ok, so you're saying that it wasn't what I said that was hurtful, but that you are embarrassed because I said it in front of other people?"
Part of maintaining a valuable friendship is understanding that you won’t always see eye-to-eye with your friends.
In other words, the two of you are friends not because you have all the same opinions, but because you value one another as people.It can help to periodically acknowledge how much you both appreciate your friendship throughout the resolution.
It’s a lot easier to discuss personal blame when you’re both consistently reaffirming that you care about one another and want to reach a resolution. , A meaningful resolution involves apologies from both parties.
This doesn’t mean that both of you are equally at fault nor that you must claim equal blame, but rather that both of you should acknowledge some blame in the creation of the problem.Don’t apologize if you will resent it later.
If you apologize solely for the sake of smoothing things over, you’ll resent it later and the original issue will remain unresolved.
So, rather than extending an insincere apology, take some more time to reflect on the problem before you meet again. , Discuss with your friend how you can both strive to avoid similar problems in the future.
You can consider a wide range of options for moving forward.
Just make sure that both of you are on the same page.
About the Author
Jerry Reynolds
Committed to making lifestyle accessible and understandable for everyone.
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